A special report from The Curious Urinal
Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.
Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.
It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.
They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon. They had to make it on foot from there.
Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.
There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”
But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”
So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.
It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”
It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”
George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!
Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.
That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.
It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.
At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.
Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.
Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.
George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.
A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying one of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’
Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.
That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.
But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.
But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.
And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?
A paid advertisement:
He swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.
He raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.
He climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.
He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...
And that's where he screwed up!
He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.
Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.
XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY
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