Ammo County Gives Okay To New Budget
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
After months of infighting and long days of negotiations, the Ammo County Judge Executive, Seymore Butz, signed the county's budget for 2011/2012. The budget, which has been called a boondoggle by many in the county, takes effect October 1st, and will be valid through September 30th, 2012.
In the budget, County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closeoff, said that the county budget reminds him of a "tax and spenders dream!"
In order to afford the new budget, taxes will be raised on the following:
110% tax on Tobacco-flavored cumquats
110% tax on beer, wine and other spirits
110% tax on fishing worms
110% tax on the wealthy, retroactive to 1996 (expected to garner $147,000 from Big Al's Titty Emporium alone)
110% tax on vehicles made before 1999
110% tax on vehicles made after 1999
110% tax on gas
110% tax on water
110% tax on trash
110% tax on fires
110% tax on police squad cars, uniforms and guns
110% tax on each school age child
110% tax on library book rentals.
What the county will receive in return:
10% addition to road construction
10% addition to schools
10% addition to Judge Executives staff payroll
110% addition to Judge Executive's pay
10 % additional money to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center for shrubbery and emergency room care
10% additional pay to the police and fire departments
10% additional to repair library after the overdue book burning.
Building proposals:
$5,000 for landscaping around City Hall
$6,000 for Buzzardbait Zoo to accommodate a new elephant exhibit
$75,000 for a new car for the Judge Executive
$100 for new library books
$100 for police and fire department raises
$50,000 for Judge Executive's Assistant
$100 for a new jail cell
$10,000 for City Hall air conditioning for Judge Executives office
$100 for homeless shelter (budget year 2012)
$45,000 for Judge Executives new office furnishings
$100 for road expenditures through 2012
$100,000 for vote pandering.
Needless to say, not everyone is happy with this new budget, but Harry Reed, the Ammo County attorney and assistant to the Judge Executive said, "We had to compromise to make sure that we had enough money to waste, I mean spend, to make sure that Ammo County continued to function until such a time when the tanks roll in and we can seize power from the people and do whatever we want! Muh waa ha ha!"
Again, Oliver Closeoff said, "What we have here is a bunch of idiots running the county, spending other peoples money and thinking they know better. But when they start taxing fishing worms, I have to draw the line!"
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