Friday, August 10, 2012
Kentucky Ranks 3rd in Latest Livability Poll
Buzzardbait Ranks High in State Poll
By Staff Reporter Willie Maket.
In the latest Livability Poll, Kentucky ranks as the third worst state to live in, just behind Mississippi and West Virginia. This is an improvement over last year, when we were Number 2 on the list. Kentucky Governor, Steve Bedsheer, said proudly, "We ain't smellin' like number two anymore!"
Being third. Kentucky holds the distinction of having some of the poorest people in the nation. Some of the poor are so poor that they have nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they are tattered.
But then, if you break down the worst parts of the state, Louisville, or as we locals call it, Lousyville, is the worst. With the crime, filth, and other charms of a small city that thinks it's a big city, Lousyville is the worst of the worst in Kentucky.
But Buzzardbait ranks as second best city in Kentucky, just behind Monkey's Eyebrow.
Buzzardbait has the least unemployment in the state. With a paltry .02% unemployment, Buzzardbait is the best place to live in Kentucky. "The only person that doesn't have a job in Buzzardbait is Mick, the homeless guy." Says Oliver Clothsoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. "Sometimes he comes out to collect aluminum cans and sells them for wine money, but otherwise he doesn't turn his hand for much of anything. But as for the rest of Buzzardbait, hell, those people usually have two jobs... Just to stay out of trouble."
While it's true that most of Buzzardbait is considered rural, with farmers growing Tobacco-flavored Cumquats and Lemon Beets, the rest are hard-working people that have businesses that cater to every need that the local population needs. There's no reason to ever leave Buzzardbait, unless its to go to Hooter Heights to visit Big Al's Titty Emporium. If the churches wouldn't raise such a fuss, Big Al said he'd open a club in Buzzardbait too.
So, here's the breakdown for those of you who are interested.
Kentucky Ranks # 3 in the nation as the worst place to live.
> Future livability score: 36.7
> Full-time employment: 16th worst
> Job creation index: 23rd best
> Outlook on life in five years: 20th worst
Kentucky’s median household income of $40,062 is the fourth lowest of all states and about $10,000 less than the median income across the United States. The state also has the fourth-highest percentage of people below the poverty line and people on food stamps/SNAP benefits. It is not surprising that the state has the eighth-lowest score on the economic confidence index. Kentuckians health is also poor. The state has the second-highest rate of smokers, with an estimated 29% reporting smoking in 2011, the seventh-highest obesity rate and the 10th lowest rate of people who say they have visited the dentist in the past year. Kentucky ranks fourth from the bottom in ease of finding a safe place to exercise.
Kentucky's only smoking health club is in Buzzardbait. The newly opened Harry's House of Health brags about it's weight machines, stationary bikes, full-time yoga instructor, and its bar and smoking room. Harry says that he liked the idea of going to work out, then having a beer and a cigarette thereafter, so he opened the ultimate health spa. So far, three people have joined, but Harry's not depressed about it. "Most folks around here don't know what a health spa is, so it may take some time to get their attention. Meanwhile, I've got my day gig as a doctor."
Yes, Harry is Dr. Harry Hands, the local proctologist.
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