Kentucky Governors Race Heating Up
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
The tightly contested race for the governor's mansion was turned up a notch today as a late arrival entered the race.
Current Kentucky Governor, Steve Brassear (D) thumbed his nose at the newcomer, saying that he didn't have a chance, and that he would not debate him, or anyone else. David Willnot (R) and Gatewood Hambreath (I) both laughed at the newcomer, saying he had no chance of winning.
But Will Doolittle (I) was stoic when he said, "We already have a do-nothing governor with Brassear, and Willnot and Hambreath haven't got a clue how to fix the mess Brassear and his minions have gotten the state into!"
When asked, Doolittle explained his platform. "I'll leave everything alone and let it work itself out."
When we pressed him, he explained his entire platform.
"As far as taxes go, I'll not raise them, or I'll not lower them. In regards to unemployment, the people who are unemployed need to find a job. That will solve the unemployment crisis in the state. People on welfare and other entitlements will have to find jobs or have nothing. We don't have the money for such nonsense!"
When I asked how he'd repair the highways and build the bridges that the state so desperately needs, he replied, "I'll leave that to the transportation department to do. That's their job!"
I asked about the state union employees, who collectively have over a billion dollars in uncompensated retirement funds, he replied, "So? Let them worry about their own retirement plans. That's not the job of the governor."
When pressed about the seriousness of cronyism in state government, Will Doolittle stated, "I intend to let it run its course until the problem fixes itself."
When asked about the commercial that he is currently running on TV and radio, he said, "I think the ad speaks for itself."
So, we'll transcribe the ad for you, our readers, to see if you'd vote for Will Doolittle for Governor.
(This is the official transcript for the ad)
"Hi, I'm Will Doolittle, and I'm running for governor. Are you tired of Frankfort being a place where horse millionaires and freeloaders run the state? Are you tired of deadbeats mooching off of your hard-earned dollars? Are you sick and tired of being taxed to death and getting precious little for your tax dollars?
Then you should vote for me, Will Doolittle.
I promise not to screw the state up any worse that it already is. I promise not to give myself big raises and spend your money without regard to how much I want stuff. I think the governor's mansion should be filled with golden faucets and platinum sinks, and as governor, I'll do what I can to make sure it happens!
I need a job, and you should send someone to Frankfort that wants a job, not some crook that just wants to steal your money and have sex with your children's pet dog.
Are you tired of people that are secretly filled with graft and corruption? I'll be open and honest about my graft and corruption!
You need a strong governor, someone that can lift 50 pounds repeatedly for at least three reps. You want a governor that can do five sit-ups before he needs a fifteen minute break to catch his breath. You need someone that won't spend a dime more than he can lift from the state coffers.
And I'm that man!
I'm not some Lousyville lawyer or Lexingthong horse trader... I'm from Buzzardbait, where men are men, women are women, and most of the people bathe every Saturday night, whether they need it on not!
You don't deserve being secretly ripped-off every time you pay your taxes to the state. I want you to know where every dollar you pay in taxes actually goes... And I'll be the one to make sure you pay your taxes for good stuff... Like high-def TV's and fast cars for state employees; not wasting your money on casino's and booze like I could. I'll stay away from places like that, unless they are having strippers and half-priced drinks, then I'll see you there.
I'm Will Doolittle, and I want to be your governor!
Paid for by Will Doolittle for Governor, Will Doolittle's wife, treasurer.
(End transcript).
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Drink All-Natural Duckwizz Bottled Water
Remember: If you're drinking any other bottled water, you're not drinking Duckwizz!
Schitts Brewing Company
Buzzardbait, KY
