The Best of
The Curious Urinal 2/17/12

This originally published last year, but since we were all too drunk from Valentine Champagne, we decided to rerun this one.



This is a supplemental log from the publisher and head cheese at The Curious Urinal, Dewaine. The following is a detailed chronicle of how I spent my summer vacation. Some of the names have been changed so I don't get sued.


Wednesday 6/29 - I woke up to the sound of someone cutting grass outside. I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the window and screamed at the neighbor who dared wake me up at the crack of 9 a.m. Once I was able to wake-up, I got dressed and packed for my big vacation trip to Gatlinburg, TN. The lady friend and I were set to depart by noon, so I had plenty of time to shove a few things into my suitcase and haul it to the car.

12:00 p.m. (Noon) - Lady friend informed me that she was running behind, but she'll be ready by 1:00... 1:30 p.m. at the latest.

1:45 p.m. - Still no word from the lady friend. I think her tanning salon trip/nail job is taking a little longer than expected.

2:09 p.m. - Lady friend calls. She needs a shower and to apply make-up. Should be ready by 2:30... 2:45 p.m. at the latest.

3:15p.m. - Lady friend calls. She's just about ready for me to pick her up. I rush to the car, barrel down the road and get to her house in 5 minutes (Buzzardbait ain't that big, ya know). She is shoving luggage out the door to me at 3:20.

3:30 p.m. - I finally packed-up the car with her trunk, her suitcase, her laptop, her make-up, rollers, curling iron, cameras and assorted WallyWorld bags full of unknown substances (later to find out it's fruit).

3:45 p.m. - Finally in beautiful downtown Buzzardbait to make a bank run. We then stop at one of the local fast food eatery's (Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes) and grabbed two burgers to go.

4:03 p.m.- Finally made it to the interstate out of Hooter Heights. Traffic is at a crawl as Old Man McGriffer's tractor is being hauled to the shop, blocking two of three lanes of traffic.

5:30 p.m. - Made it to the Tennessee line. Running way behind schedule. At least traffic isn't bad and the drivers all seem pretty courteous.

7:00 p.m. These people driving need to have their licenses revoked. How do stupid people get to drive in the first place?

7:30 - Made it to Gatlinburg; grabbed a pizza (at the best damned pizza joint in Tennessee) and drove up the side of a small mountain to the chalet. WHEW! At least the chalet is nice!

9:00 p.m. - In bed and asleep from sheer exhaustion.


Thursday 6/30 9: 00 a.m. - Woke up to a bear sitting on the front steps. Tried to shoo the bear away, but the bear just looked at me like I was an idiot. I retrieved a can of the lady friends hairspray and sprayed it toward the bear. With an air of a bear without a care, the bear nuzzled up to the railing and fell asleep.

9:30 a.m. - Called the Park Ranger Station. The man said he'd have someone up there by 11:00 a.m. or at the latest, noon.

1:35 p.m. - The bear has awakened from his nap and now has started to take a crap on the stairs. Still no Park Ranger!

2:15 p.m. - The Park Ranger shows up... Finally. The bear looks at the ranger and charges him. The ranger gets back in his truck and drives away

3:00 p.m. - Park Ranger Swat Team shows up, but the bear has already left. He must have smelled the cookout from another chalet.

3:15 p.m. - I managed to sweep away the big pile of bear crap from the stairs and we left to go eat lunch.

3:45 p.m. - Downtown Gatlinburg is practically empty; maybe a couple of thousand people at most, milling about and doing the tourist thing. The economy must be keeping everyone home this year. Bugs are swarming here and there, but that's okay.

4:25 p.m. - After trudging through six dozen shops; dealing with the millions of people who seem to be following us everywhere. Damn bugs are becoming a pain. I'm ready to go back to the cabin and drink until I pass out.


Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!

9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.

12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.

1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.

2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.

3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!

3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!

5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.

9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.

11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.

3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!


Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.

10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!

11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!

12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!

1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.

3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!

6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?

7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.



Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment. My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.

11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!

3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!

6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!

6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!