My summer vacation to Boston (Or - How to survive your summer vacation without the need to shoot anyone).

Wednesday, August 11th: The first day of vacation was beautiful. It was in the 90's and muggy. How muggy was it? Well, I'm glad you asked. It was so muggy that the flies decided to forgo flying for swimming.

Louisville: We started out by loading the car and heading out to get lunch. But when we arrived at the restaurant, my lady-friend (my friend-girl in homiespeak) informed me that she had forgotten the maps to our destination, Boston, MA, and her favorite lipstick. Twenty-three miles later, we were back at her house, retrieving said items. The neighbors had all placed bets and money was being traded up and down the street. Only three came out ahead in the betting. Had I been informed that there were odds laid on the return trip, I would have put down a $20 on the return trip betting.

Back on the road again, we drove down I-64 and through scenic Eastern Kentucky. The best part of the trip was when we left Kentucky for West Virginia. And that was not much of an improvement. While driving in the mountains heading toward Maryland, we ran into a wee bit of rain... Who am I kidding? It rained like pouring piss out of a boot. It was monsoon season in West Virginia as the torrential downpours lasted pretty much until we reached Maryland.

We were 2 hours behind already because of the rain, and it was getting late, so we stopped in the lovely little burg of La Vale, MD. A nice, homey place, run by two spinster sisters and a few Arabs that owned the hotel, the 7/11 and the gas station. They took as much money from us as they could before allowing us to depart the next day.

The next stage of the trip involved traveling through the rest of Maryland, laughing at the names of some of the mountains. Two stood out as politically incorrect. One was Polish Mountain, and the other was Negro Mountain. I bet the NAACP will be looking into that name!

Anyway, we traveled onward. We drove thru Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. Let me say to the wonderful drivers of each state: YOU SUCK! You drive like rabid Yaks in heat. Your road skills are the equivalent of someone in a demolition derby (And I thought driving thru Atlanta was bad). I had the distinct privilege of driving with at least three million would-be Nascar Drivers. Geez, Where do you people learn to drive? Thank God I made it through that ordeal without having a freaking coronary.

And a small bit of thanks (a big shout-out) to the Garmin people who put out the new Nuvi GPS thingie. Aside from taking directions from a squirrel with a walnut fixation, and getting us LOST twice (we visited an airport in New Jersey[the big one I cannot think of the name of right now], and then ended up driving thru the city streets of the Bronx and onward into Connecticut on some parking lot, uh, I mean parkway. That threw us 2 hours behind getting to Boston, thanks to the rabid freaking Squirrel... (Ah Nuts!). Other than that, the Garmin Nuvi worked just fine.

Finally we made it to Boston. The nearly thousand mile trip ended with a very nice room at the Hyatt in Cambridge. The room had a balcony overlooking the Charles River. It was a beautiful view of Downtown Boston at night. It makes Louisville look like Hooterville... And it really is! Thus ends day two.

Day three: My lady friend, Susie, and I started our day at the hotels restaurant. The breakfast buffet was great, especially since all 1,000 guests choose the same exact time to eat as we did. The pickings was slim though as I gnawed on a rubber biscuit with some orange juice.

Afterwards, we spent the day doing the tourist thing. We took the hotel shuttle to some park, where we were unceremoniously booted out and left to fend for ourselves in the big city. We walked across one of the many bridges spanning the Charles River and ended up in Boston Commons Park. From there, we choose to walk the Freedom Trail without the tour guide hustling us along (we're walking, we're walking).

We walked along the red brick trail (some red stripes too) and saw Boston on our own terms. We visited The Old North Church. Walking inside, we both felt as if we were standing in the middle of history. That was where the midnight ride of Paul Revere began. Two lanterns were secretly hauled up to the steeple and the ride began. That was the birthplace of the Tea Party and the American Revolution. God, I was inspired!

After leaving the church, we walked along the path until we ended up at Bunker Hill. The 221 foot monument built there was a surprise. I was very impressed by the view as well. I could imaging what all transpired there and felt that odd twinge of history again in my heart.

From there, we ventured onward to the USS Constitution. Actually getting to step aboard the ship was fantastic. Touching the ship made it seem even more real. Tactile sensation is a wonderful thing.

Finally, after 4 hours of walking, we began the return trip. We had dinner reservations at 6:30 p.m. - and it was 4:30 then. Susie located a cab and we both hopped in and were back to the hotel in a half hour (as opposed to another 2 hours of fast walking).

Dinner was formal. We were dressed to the nines; she was dressed in a very chic black dress with a gray jacket. I was dressed in my basic black and blue, with a purple tie. we were fashion plates! Dinner was a bit of a let-down though, as I ordered scallops and got 6 and some cheesy rice and some green looking stalks of some steamed weed. I really could have gone for McDonalds afterwards, but opted not to. That would have meant another cab ride into the city and a Big Mac is not worth that!

Saturday rolled around and we again went to breakfast. We ended up eating at the bar, as there were no tables available. Note to the Hyatt: MORE TABLES! We actually got to eat some real food too. Pancakes, eggs and fruit. It was delicious.

After breakfast, we walked along the shore of the Charles river, dodging manic bikers and joggers. It was like trying to dodge bullets for some time, but finally they thinned out. It might have been the scowl on my face, or the handful of rocks I was tossing at them that caused them to disappear. I'm not sure which.

We went back to the room, thinking that housekeeping would have already visited and cleaned the room. Nope. They had yet to begin. So we went back downstairs and sat outside of the hotel for almost three hours. Thank God it was nice outside. It was barely 80 and we were in the shade. So we took the elevator back up to the eighth floor and discovered that the room was still unvisited by the crack cleaning staff. Susie made a call to the front desk to ask when they were, in fact, going to clean the room. We had been out of the room for 5 hours and it wasn't like they were far away and short-handed. The cleaning cart had been parked in the same spot all morning and into the afternoon.

A few minutes later, some nice Hispanic lady knocked on the door and asked when we would like our room cleaned. We weren't going to vacate the room at that point and she said that they could clean it later in the day while we were at the concert. Great... then she said that we both could have a complementary kiss at her ass in Spanish and smiled while doing so. We shut the door and began getting ready for the show. Aerosmith and J. Geils were awaiting our arrival at Fenway Park. We took a cab to the ball park and stood there with about 30,000 other invitees for about a half hour before they opened the gates and began scanning the tickets. Soon we were up in the nosebleed section of the ball park, sitting near the Green Monster.

At around 6:30, some band that won a contest got to open the show. I never caught the name of the band, but they seemed to be a throwback to some 1960's lounge act. They were pretty good, but it got me to wondering... This was a rock concert. If this band was the winner, how bad were the rock bands that entered the contest? They all must have sucked big time!

Finally after 4 songs, the lounge act left the stage and the roadies set up for The J. Geils Band. They rocked! They played all of their hits, but one. They didn't do the old blues tune Boom Boom (Out Goes The Lights). I had really hoped that would have been on their playlist. Other than that, those old men simply rocked Fenway Park.

I had an uncle that spoke about Big Band music as opposed to Rock and Roll. He called it the "Men with the music and the boys with the noise!" Well, the old men of Rock n Roll proved to be the Men with the Music that night. The J. Geils Band proved that and so did Areosmith when they took the stage. I was amazed. The stage show itself was impressive, but the music was even more so.

Now, just to let you know - I had seen Aerosmith three times prior to that night. In the 70's and early 80's. They sucked in concert back then. I assumed that they were high or drunk (or both) and the sound systems back in the day were not as good as they are now as well. They were loud, out of time, and either didn't know, or care. But that was then. This show, they were the masters! They played three plus decades of hits and never let up. They sounded awesome! It was a great show, and well worth the trip to Boston just to see them!

Sunday: Check-out day. After another rushed breakfast at the bar (Ahem, Hyatt, not enough tables and not enough time to eat), we quickly packed our suitcases and hauls buns out of Boston. It was 11 a.m when we hit the road. The Garmin Nuvi got us lost once more. And in a rest stop of all places. We ended up taking four tours of the same rest area before the Nuvi righted itself and allowed us the right way back onto the highway. We drove like crazy to get back to Maryland to the nice motel, but traffic, the Rabid squirrel and more road construction caused us to be set back almost 2 hours again. We ended up in Sheppensburg, PA. I think that was the name of the town. I can tell you that it was a podunk, hole-in-the-wall town. It had two motels and a convenience store. That was pretty much it.

The Roadway Inn was our choice of destinations that night. It looked okay from the outside, but upon entering, the roaches and flies were already occupying the room. We left as soon as the nice woman (Hindu of Muslim?) cursed at Susie in her native tongue. We ended up at a Best Western. The room was clean, but the beds were not conducive to sleeping without feeling the springs jutting into ones ribcage. But we were both too tired to venture onward and sucked it up.

Monday: Leaving Pennsylvania, we entered Maryland then a couple of hours later we were in West Virginia. Road construction set us back another 2 hours, but at least it wasn't raining this time. The sun was peeking thru the clouds and it made for a very pleasant trip. Entering Kentucky, we met with even more road construction in several spots. Note to Kentucky Road Commissioner... Do one side of the road at a time, not both sides where you cut three lanes into one for 40 miles at a time. Use your heads... Wait, we are talking about Kentucky here. No one in government used their heads for much.

Now: I'm finally home. I'm unpacked and sitting in my underwear, typing the adventure into a few paragraphs. To detail everything would have taken too long, and would have probably been boring as hell to read. But the trip wasn't boring, and the company was good. It was a great trip, and for those of you who have never been to Boston, I recommend that you go visit. It's a great city, and there is a lot of history to be discovered there. Americans take for granted the freedoms we have. The founding fathers didn't take anything for granted. They fought with their fortunes, their lives and their sacred honor to insure that America was free.

Let's not allow anyone to ever take those freedoms away from us! They were purchased with precious blood!

And finally, a note to Boston: Thank you for not pressing charges for two conservatives to enter such a liberal bastion. We had a great time in your fair city. And we left it the way we found it... Aside for a few rocks being lobbed at passing bike riders and joggers, that is.