The Curious Urinal  3/11/2011

The Curious Urinal Interview:
Charlie Sheen
By Staff Reporter - Juan Motyme

After being fired from his megahit TV show, Charlie Sheen sat down with The Curious Urinal to set the record straight.

CU: Thanks for sitting down with us today.

CS: No problem. I wasn't doing anything else today.

CU: Let's get down to it. You were recently fired from the hit CBS TV show, Two and a Half Men, due to an apparent meltdown and several rants made toward the shows producer. Can you tell us what happened?

CS: To set the record straight, I did not have a f***ing meltdown. I was f***ing traumatized because I had been f***ing released from the  f***ing show. I said some things that needed to be said, but that does not constitute a f***ing meltdown!

CU: Fair enough. But the shows producer, Chuck...

CS: Please don't mention his f***ing name, as he isn't worthy of my f***ing time.

CU: Okay. The shows producer accused you of partying with porn stars, drinking and drug use and decided to fire you from the show based upon that and your verbal rants against him and the show.

CS: (Pulling a fifth of a major brand bourbon from behind a couch cushion, he opens the fifth up and guzzles at least a third of the bottle down before replying). Look, he claims I have a f***ing  problem with booze and drugs. He is absolutely f***ing wrong about that. As for the porn stars, since when was it any of his f***ing business whom I f***ing associate with?

CU: Okay. So what about your co-stars. Have you talked to them about the now-cancelled show?

CS: I have nothing but respect for not only the co-stars, John Cryer and the little f***er that is also on the show, but the entire crew. They are all f***ing professionals and did not deserve to be treated the way they have been  f***ing treated!

JC: Just as I was about to ask another question, a familiar looking man entered the room)  Boss, you have anything else for me to do?

CU: John Cryer?

CS: Have you waxed the car?

JC: Yes.

CS: Mowed the grass?

JC: Yes.

CS: Cleaned up the dog sh*t in the yard?

JS: Yes.

CS: Then trim the hedges, clean the house and do the laundry and you can go home for the day.

JC: Yippee! (He rushes from the room).

CU: That was John Cryer!

CS: I know that.

CU: What is he doing here?

CS: Working. He's a f***ing professional, you know!

CU: I see... Well, as the... (Again, at that very moment, my question was interrupted by two scantly clad women entering the room.

Woman #1: Charlie? Where are the toys? We wanna have some fun!

CS: Check the f***ing porn room.

Woman #2: Charlie? Is there anything I can do for you, baby?

CS: Yeah. Go to the kitchen and get me a f***ing tablespoon, would ya?

Both women kiss Charlie Sheen on opposing cheeks and leave the room.

CS: Sorry about that. The goddesses just love me. Do go on.

CU: Uh, yeah... Right. Well, you stand to make a hundred million off of the royalties on the TV show, and now you're considering suing Warner Brothers for another hundred million?

CS: It' not about the f***ing money, you understand. It's the f***ing principal of the  f***ing thing. Plus my crew and co-stars are now out of f***ing work, thanks to the so-called f***ing producer, and the mother f***ing studio. I think it's only fair that they f***ing pay out the ass!

Woman #2: Here you go, Charlie.

CS: (Taking the large spoon) Thanks, baby. (Turning back to me) You see, I'm looking out for the best interest of those people who have lost their f***ing jobs because of the f***ing mess the f***ing studio and the f***ing producer have put them into.

CU: But aren't you ultimately responsible for the entire ordeal, considering your current status?

CS: Current status? What the f*** does that mean?

CU: The allegations of drug use and alcohol abuse, among other things.

CS: (Pulling a gallon-sized zip-lock baggie filled with a white powdery substance - from behind another couch cushion) I do not have any f***ing problems with drugs or alcohol! (He opens the baggie, dipping the large tablespoon into the bag, withdrawing an over-sized spoonful of the white powdery substance. He brings the spoon to his left nostril and inhales deeply) Yawzer!

CU: Was that what I think it was?

CS: It's for medicinal purposes. Sinus problems.

CU: I see.

CS: Want a snort? It's good stuff... For your sinuses that is (He grins and winks).

CU: Thanks, but no. (I watch as he dips the spoon into the bag again) So, you have no alcohol or drug problems, yet you were going into rehab when this all began?

CS: (Snorting the contents of the spoon into his right nostril) Dammmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnn!

CU: Good stuff?

CS: (He wheezes) Damn Skippy!

CU: Well then, let's discuss your future. You have played many characters in your career, having been in several successful movies. Is there any chance you'll return to the big screen anytime soon?

CS: You have any favorites?

CU: It's a toss-up between Major League and Hot Shots for me. Wild Thing and Topper Harley are two of my favorite characters in any movie.

CS: Well thank you. I did do them in hopes that people would like them as much as I did playing the f***ing parts.

CU: So is there any big screen comebacks in your future?

CS: Look, I have never gone anywhere that I'd have to make a f***ing comeback! (He stood abruptly) and furthermore, mother f***er... (At that exact moment, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell face-first into the coffee table).

CU: Mr. Sheen?

Woman #1: (Rushing into the room, seeing CS lying amidst the glass and wood) Charlie's tired. You need to go home now!

 Woman #2 (Rushing in behind Woman #1) And we'll take good care of Charlie (giggles).

Woman # 1: Uh huh!

Bodyguard #1 (Entering the room) Mister, you need to leave... Now! (Before I could stand up, two men grabbed me under my arms from either side, summarily carrying me to the front door, depositing me on my feet on the front walk near my car.

Afterthoughts - I still can't help but wonder what the f*** Charlie Sheen was about to say when he passed out. But our best wishes to Charlie Sheen in his future endeavors.

~ Juan Motyme