Kim Ditching Kris Causes Chaos!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Okay, so the headline is a bit misleading, but the aftermath of the story that follows could have ramifications that cause the earth to tilt sideways, and dogs and cats to eat the Occupy Wall Street crowd... Wait, maybe that would be a good thing!
Just ten short weeks ago, there was a lavish $10 million dollar, made-for-TV wedding that took place. And less than a month after the wedding aired on TV, reality starlet-wannabe Kim Kardashian is divorcing NBA player Kris Humphries.
The "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" star filed for divorce Monday, citing irreconcilable differences. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision," she said in a statement. "I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. Besides, he sucks in bed and snores louder than I do!"
Kardashian, 31, and Humphries, 26, were married Aug. 20 in a star-studded, black-tie ceremony at an exclusive estate in California. They were lavished with expensive gifts, many of which came from some of the most exclusive stores on Rodeo Drive. "She plans on selling them on Ebay," says an insider in the Karsashian camp.
Kris Humphries, speaking to a celebrity news site, said he was "devastated" to learn his bride had filed for divorce and is "willing to do whatever it takes to make it work." He added, "I might even let my teammates take turns with her if it will make her happy!"
Kim Kardashian and Humphries began dating late last year and announced their engagement in May. He proposed on bended knee with a 20.5-carat ring by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in rose petals.
Karsashian sent papers to Humphries saying, "I want a divorce!" scrawled in crayons.
But the short marriage is hardly a record. There are a few other short-lived marriages vying for that title. Here are just a few:
Dennis Hopper and Michelle Phillips comes to mind. Mr. Hopper was already notorious for his often rocky relationships with women (he was married five times). Among those unions: One with Michelle Phillips, which lasted only two weeks.
Then there was Elizabeth Taylor and Nicky Hilton. In 1950, at the tender age of 18 years old, Elizabeth Taylor married hotel heir Conrad "Nicky" Hilton. It was the first and shortest of her eight marriages. It only lasted nine months.
Of course, there was Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. "And to think, they said it wouldn't last," said Jackson as he planted an very unconvincing kiss on his new bride at the 1994 VMA Awards. Their sham of a marriage lasted 20 months.
And who could forget the Drew Barrymore and Tom Green union? The "Charlie's Angels" star wed Green in July 2001; Green filed for divorce five months later. It was the second short marriage for Barrymore, who was wed to bartender Jeremy Thomas for six weeks in 1994. She obviously had marriage ADHD.
Oh, least we forget the Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander marriage.
Britney Spears stunned her fans with her impulsive Vegas marriage to her childhood friend, Alexander, in Jan. 2004. The union was annulled after 55 hours. The sex must have not been so great.
And right here in Buzzardbait, a possible record was set when Dorthy Bumhumper married her next door neighbor, Howard "Bumpy" Bushwhacker, at the Poon Point Trailer Park, after a whirlwind 15-minute romance. After a brief 8-minute honeymoon in the back of a 1969 Chevy Van, Bumhumper filed for an immediate divorce from Bushwhacker.
Ain't love grand?
And in Space News:
YU55 Set To Barely Miss Earth
First the Space Shuttle is scraped, then the Moon Mission is placed on ice, now another space disaster is coming our way. On November 8th, a massive ball of rock and chemicals named 2005 YU55 will pass within 202,000 miles of Earth.
The large, aircraft carrier-sized mass of rock and ice will be clearly visible from the surface, as it will look like a large Roman Candle passing between the Earth and Moon. Or perhaps like a ball of blubber on fire... Or maybe a huge mass of ear wax that someone shot from a straw and sprayed lighter fluid on and lit it with a butane lighter. I think you get the point.
Scientists are fairly certain that YU55 doesn't pose much risk to Earth, for at least the next 100 years anyway. The next time a large asteroid will pass by the planet will be in 2028. That one, said a noted scientist, who wishes to remain anonymous, says that particular asteroid will be the size of Manhattan Island, have the mass of Michael Moore, and slam into the Earth at 600,000 miles an hour... Maybe?
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