Buzzardbait Celebrates Independence Day with Music
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Somehow you might think that Buzzardbait wouldn’t draw major touring bands, but something strange happened yesterday, and the Buzzardbaitapalooza Concert at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog came alive on July 4th with the sound of music (not the movie).
Lousyville was to have put on this major show, but at the last minute, fresh from being told that the concert was cancelled due to budgetary problems (lack of ticket sales), the Lousyville Fairgrounds booted the bands to the curb in favor of holding an Extreme Yard-sale and Flea Market.
So, the bands and their managers and roadies were about to pull up stakes and head out of Lousyville when Ammo County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff (who was at the Lousyville Fairgrounds on business at the time) suggested that the bands follow him to Buzzardbait. He happened to know that nothing was going on at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog on July 4th, so the bands could perform there.
So the caravan of musician, in buses, tractor-trailers, and a VW Microbus with a U-Haulit trailer indeed followed Commissioner Closoff to the Ammo County fairgrounds and set up their stages. The news spread quickly as Hadley Bradley of WBZZ 1085 AM went on the air with the news. His afternoon drive-time show, ‘The Hadley Bradley Show " is heard by over 100 listeners daily, so the news began to travel faster.
Oliver Closoff dubbed the event Buzzardbaitapalooza, and that really set things in motion. Schitts Beer decided to open a beer booth, and Big Dick's hot Dog Stand set up their tent, cooking dogs and brats. Even Big Al's Titty Emporium drove the Titty Wagon to the fairgrounds and offered half-price lap dances and flavored condoms.
Hundreds of local youth and a few of the curious farmers in the area flocked into the fairgrounds and found a nice spot to sit. At seven o'clock sharp, the show began. The crowd began cheering (someone mentioned free Schitts Beer and that made them cheer even louder) when Oliver Closoff stepped on stage and declared Buzzardbaitapalooza was officially beginning. "This is Independence Day here in America, so let's celebrate by starting Buzzardbaitapalooza!"
He then proceeded to introduce the first band. The opening act, Harry Derriere and the Hirsute Hound Dogs, put on a ear-bleeding 45 minute set that was full of energy. With the band playing their complete repertoire in 30 minutes, they began playing other peoples music, some of which the crowd actually had heard of before.
After their set ended and the stage reset for the next act, Oliver Closoff returned to the stage and issued the statement that Schitts Beer was going to be given away for free, but it would cost $5 for each of the tickets to obtain the free beer, limit one ticket per beer. The crowd immediately moved to the ticket window and shelled out the money for the free beer tickets. An estimated 4,500 tickets were purchased by the estimated 300 people attending the show.
As the crowd drank and began loosening up, Oliver Closoff introduced the next act. When Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molekats stepped up on stage, the crowd went wild. Sammy and the band, who have appeared in Buzzardbait on numerous occasions, put on their usual show. As usual, Sammy’s singing was off-key, and the band was a beat behind the drummer (who looked to be so stoned that he was propped up on the drummers throne with a broom handle). Other than that, the show was pretty much their standard fare. They played both of their hits, and most of the other songs that have filled their five CD’s (which can be found at Buzzardbait Music Store and Instrument Rentals, located at 5th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait).
Their hour long set ended on a high note as Sammy mooned the audience and declared herself the Queen of Rock 'n Roll. Then she proceeded to jump off of the stage into the crowd. Apparently the crowd wasn’t aware that they were to catch her and do the mosh pit thing. They let her drop to the ground like a brick. The good news is that she will be out of the hospital by tomorrow, but the broken bones will postpone the remainder of their North American Tour of Central Kentucky for several weeks.
Next up was a veteran rock warriors, Tarnished Plastic. Their heavy metal show was marred early on when half the light rigging dropped to the stage, crushing their keyboard player, Shorty Long. After the lights were hoisted back into place, and Shorty was checked out by the local EMT’s, the show went on. Shorty, grimacing in pain and bleeding profusely for most of the remainder of the show, managed to show off his talents at the keyboards by playing chopsticks with his nose while pulling out a piece of twisted metal from his head. Afterward, he was bandaged up and autographed the metal fragment, tossing it out to an adoring fan.
After the stage was reset, the next act was introduced. Peter Pimple and The Zits haven’t toured in several years, but are currently in the midst of a reunion tour. Peter Pimple, who is now in his late 70's, screamed out that he was ready to rock and roll. No sooner than he said that, the band woke up and began playing. The Zits, all of whom are in their mid to late 70's, managed to rock the crowd until the bass players angina began acting up. The lead guitarist, who has severe arthritis, had to stop several time during his guitar solo to take some pain meds. The drummer, who looked every bit as healthy as the rest of the band, had to stop several times during the set to go to the bathroom. Peter Pimple, who no longer has acne but his face is severely disfigured by the scarring, huffed and said that he was kind of tired and needed a nap. The fifteen minute set wrapped up when Peter Pimple and the Zits rode off the stage on their Hover-Rounds.
And that left one last act. And he is also no stranger to Buzzardbait’s music scene.
Milo Days walked on stage to the delight of the cheering crowd and proceeded to guzzle a fifth of Dingleberry Wine before playing a note. He started his set with his signature song, ‘Dat Girl has Got’s Some Fine Breastessess Blues.’ After the first song, he drank another fifth of wine. In fact, in between each song he played, he chugged another fifth of Dingleberry Wine. After his fourth song, ‘I’s be Peeping Thru da Hole in da Wall Blues’ Milo passed out. He was carried offstage and the lights went up.
Then, the unplanned fireworks show began. One of the band's buses burst into flame when a carelessly tossed firecracker caused Willy Whynott of Hooter Heights to stagger into the hot dog stand, toppling one of the cookers. It rolled several feet and then came in contact with a conveniently places gas can. The bus, with all of roadies safely away from it, burst into flames and caught the marijuana inside to burn. The aftereffect of marijuana smoke caused a near riot at the hot dog stand, as many of the patrons suddenly needed to eat. Big Dick's Hot Dogs saved the day, selling out within 10 minutes. Also, several cases of chips, and all of the super dill pickles on a stick were bought up as well.
Patty Tooshy, spokeswoman for the Schitts Beer tent, said that they went through 37 kegs of beer, so that was a good night for them.
And with that, Buzzardbaitapalooza ended. Oliver Closoff, who made it all possible, was said to be thinking about retiring from the County Road Commissioner post and going into concert promotions. After witnessing this wonderful show, he may have a future in it too!
Happy Independence Day!
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