The Curious Urinal - April 8, 2011

A supplemental report from the Curious Urinal
What Not to Say
(or 'The Art of Tactless Speaking')
By Juan Motyme

These are a few things to avoid when in conversation with anyone.

Don’t say: “You look tired.”
Say: “Is everything OK? For a minute, I thought you had gone ten rounds with a diseased yak in heat.”

Don’t say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Say: “You look great...Considering you look like someone drained every ounce of blood from you. Are you dating a vampire?”

Don’t say: “You look good for your age.”
Say: “You look great... For someone twice you age and in a crypt.”

Don’t say: “I could never wear that.”
Say: “I learned a long time ago never to try to imitate a tramp.”

What Not to Say at Work:

Don’t say: “That’s not my job.”
Say: “I’m not sure that I can screw something up as good as you could.” 

Don’t say: “This might sound stupid, but…”
Say: "I hate to sound as stupid as you do, but..."

Don’t say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Say: “Honestly, if I had the time to talk to anyone, I'd rather it be with someone who I give a damn what they had to say!”

What Not to Say During a Job Interview

Don’t say: “My current boss is terrible.”
Say: “I’m ready to get away from that sorry, good for nothing asshat I work for now!”

Don’t say: “Do you think I’d fit in here?”
Say: “Do you think the company would mind if I stole some of the furniture and built a bonfire in the lobby?”

Don’t say: “What are the hours like?”
Say: "I hope no one minds if I take several weeks off at a time so I can lay around at the crack house and chill."

Don't say: “What’s the vacation policy?”
Say: "How long do I have to work before I take off for a six month vacation to shag your daughter in a seedy motel in Newark?"

Don't say: “What’s the day-to-day like here?”
Say: "Is this place as boring as the last ten jobs I've had in the last three weeks?"

Don't say: “Can you tell me about the compensation and benefits package?”
Say: "Do you people press charges if I decided to embezzle millions of dollars to supplement my gambling addiction?"

What Not to Say About Pregnancy and Babies

Don’t say: “Are you pregnant?”
Say: “ OMG! You look like you spent a little too much time at the buffet!” Or just simply point and laugh.

Don’t say: “Do you plan on breast-feeding?”
Say: "Your dress is cut so low it would make a baby cry!" Or, "Could I offer my services so you can practice breast feeding? I can even wear a diaper and call you 'mommy' if you'd like!"

Don't say: "Is there something you'd like to tell me about being pregnant?"
Say: “Uh, you have some 'splaining to do!”

Don’t say: “Were your twins natural?”
Say: "Are your little mutants going to be sold for scientific experiments?"

Don't say: “It must have been hard for your child’s birth parent to give him up.”
Say: “Wow, and to think someone would have wanted to give up those brats so you could raise them!”

Remember, tact is important in everyday conversation. Be wise... If you can't think of anything good to say, then blurt out something rude, crude and disgusting and run like hell!