The Curious Urinal Friday 10/8/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - Rick Sanchez

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Earlier this week Rick Sanchez, the CNN commentator, was fired after some derogatory remarks he made during a radio interview. The Curious Urinal decided to talk to Mr. Sanchez, in hopes to allow him the opportunity to give his side of the story.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

RC: Come on. Enough of the niceties. Let's get down to it.

CU: Okay then... Well, this past week wasn't a good week for you, was it?

RC: Who are you again?

CU: My name is Juan Motyme. I'm a staff reporter at the Curious Urinal.

RC: The Curious Urinal? What kind of a name is that? Did some Jew make that up?

CU: Well, I was going to ask you about that comment you made about Jews and John Stewart.

RC: That a**hole is a f***in jerk!

CU: Please, the readers will not appreciate the language.

RC: F**k them too! All of them are a bunch of Jews that hate me!

CU: So, you truly believe that everyone else in the country is Jewish?

RC: Look, I know not everybody is a Jew. Just all of the rich a**holes that make more money than I do!

CU: Are you jealous of people making money?

RC: I'm a progressive. The only people that should have money are people like me. The rest of them need to be broke and ruled by an iron-fisted dictator... Like Obama!

CU: And that's your opinion?

RC: It's a fact! CNN fired me because the Jews made them do it. In fact, the Jews own CNN, so they need to be taken out and shot!

CU: Wait a minute!

RC: No, you wait a minute. I'm a member of the elite media, so I am always right!

CU: Not anymore. You are an unemployed progressive liberal that thought you could say anything you wanted to say, but found out that your bosses at CNN thought otherwise!

RC: F**k them too!

CU: So, about you and John Stewart...

RC: I would like to see him taken out to the desert and drug behind a jeep doing ninety miles an hour through cactus and scorpions!

CU: You would think that of a fellow human being?

RC: He's a comedian, and not a good one at that! He deserves to die a slow, painful death!

CU: Can I quote you on that?

RC: Look, a**hole, don't make me open a can of whoopa** on you!

CU: You said on a radio show, and I quote: 'I'm telling you that everyone who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority?' You called John Stewart a bigot, yet you sound just like one.

RC: Yeah, so?

CU: So you are a bigot?

RC: I'm not a bigot! I'm a progressive. We aren't bigots. We're open-minded people who just hate Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, rich people and conservatives. Other than that, we like everybody...Especially Muslims!

CU: Wait... Aren't you a Hispanic? And secondly, do you hate everyone that doesn't think on the same lines as you?

RC: First of all, I'm Cuban! And I don't hate everyone... Just people that don't think like I do!

CU: Well, I think I can wrap this interview up. Thanks for your time.

RC: Wait, I wanted to promote my book, 'Conventional Idiocy.' It's my life's story.

CU: Yeah, it's sold a whole 800 copies!

RC: A New York Times best seller! (whispering) Hey, just between you and me, are you guys hiring?

CU: Well, actually that reminds me of another point. You said, and I quote: 'I can't see someone not getting a job these days because they're Jewish.'

RC: Right... So, are you guys hiring, or what?

CU: Not really, no. But I bet you could become the presidents new press secretary when Robert Gibbs decides to go run the DNC.

RC: Cool, that would be a great gig. Thanks, Jewboy!

CU: Do I look Jewish to you?

RC: No, you look like someone who would like them though.

CU: I do.

RC: Thus my point, a**hole!

CU: Bigot!

RC: I'm not a bigot. I'm a progressive!

CU: Close enough!

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.
Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/7/2010

CBS Reporter Arrested on Drug Charges

A CBS Radio News correspondent, Howard Arenstein, has been arrested on marijuana charges in Washington.

A D.C. police spokesman said Arenstein and his wife were arrested early last Saturday and were charged with possession with intent to distribute marijuana.
We got some complaints that there was marijuana growing in the couple's backyard. We then obtained a search warrant for the home and busted them." The officer said, wishing to remain anonymous for fear that the media would rip into him and his family, went on to say, "We found large, mature cannabis plants, standing more than 8 feet high. In addition, we found packaged marijuana inside the home."

According to the CBS News website, Arenstein serves as radio bureau manager for CBS News, Washington.

A CBS News spokeswoman, who wished to remain anonymous in fear that she'd be discovered as a right-wing conspirator, said, "The network is not making any statements at this time, but as for myself, Dude, I'm so bummed! Now I have to find a new dealer. Do you know how hard it is to score some decent weed in Washington. First the senators aide gets busted, now this! Damn, I may need to go to L.A. to score some good smoke... Unless you got some?"

In Other Political News:

Transgendered 'Conservative' in San Francisco Race

In the Only in California Department - A transgendered woman, who used to run a sex toy company called Good Vibrations, is being labeled as the "conservative" candidate in a San Francisco political race.

The San Fransisco Weekly reports that Theresa Sparks, who is running for a seat on the city's Board of Supervisors, is being criticized as the insider, conservative pick.

Sparks is being backed by San Fransisco's Mayor. Sparks also held a seat on the city's Police Commission. She allegedly drifts "conservative" because she opposes a hotel tax and declining to put pressure on the city's police officers while serving on the disciplinary panel.

Sparks said, "This points to how people in this city love to construe and redefine the term 'progressive,'"

According to Sparks' personal website, she was born a man but eventually changed her appearance to look like a woman after two marriages -- to women -- ended in divorce. "I decided that since I wasn't much of a man, I'd become a woman. And now the chicks dig me!"

And in Local News:

Federal Study: Fish Need Water

According to an $80 million dollar study (funded by taxpayer dollars), The University of Buzzardbait has determined that unless fish are kept in water, they will die. This study, conducted over the course of six years also concluded that dead fish are not as active as live ones.

Professor Sir Cedric Bentingmore, formerly of the British Institute of All Things Uncommon, said, "These studies prove that more money should be spent on academia's pursuit of all things wasteful and frivolous!"

The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/6/2010

Real life Ghostbuster?

William Jimenez was 11 years old when he discovered he could see dead people. He would see them walking down a sidewalk, inside a house or standing along the side of a road. Some stood there looking confused, others picking their noses and looking rather foolish. One even looked like a big green blob of protoplasm.

"At first it scared me to death," said Jimenez, 60, a retired detective. "Sometimes I'd see the whole body and other times just part of it. They'd be wearing clothes from the time period in which they died. Other times they were naked and swinging from streetlights, usually singing 'How dry I am.'"

Jimenez says he eventually learned to see his talent as a gift and has parlayed it into a ghost-hunting business along with two friends who are also retired investigators with the California Highway Patrol.

"We don't use proton packs or silly stuff like that. We use bear traps and pepper spray to capture the ghosts. Then we take them out to the desert, where we set them free to live their lives... Well, unlives that is, in peace. Not out there scaring the bejesus out of people."


Local Attorney accidentally sues himself

Harvey Skrewem, one of the attorneys at the Findham, Skrewem, and Suim Law Firm accidentally filed a lawsuit on himself last week. Court records that Mr. Skrewem entered the courthouse and was immediately served with papers. As he read the filing, Mr. Skrewem immediately decided to counter-sue himself for filing a frivolous lawsuit. Also, there is no word on if he will represent himself in court.

The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/5/2010

New Company Offers Playdates... For a Price

With all the buzz these days about social networks and casual games taking video gaming mainstream, sometimes the market proves that there is still a powerful core demographic of lonely male geeks clicking away at controllers.

The newly relaunched website Gamecrush is banking on that demographic -- not just on guys' love of video games, but also on their inability to meet women. They offer geeky gamers the chance to find a comely companion for games ranging from Halo: Reach and Starcraft 2 to Tic-Tac-Toe.

They've just got to pay.

Female company doesn't come cheap, and Gamecrush's services run 60 cents a minute, plus tip. When "players" sign onto the site, they can search the profiles of "playdates" in four zones: "Arcade" for casual games, "The Academy" for gamers looking to learn some new tricks, "the Arena" for hardcore gaming, and "The Edge," where things "could get interesting."

Local gamer and self-proclaimed geekaziod, Randy Olgeme, has used the gaming site and claims it's a winner. "The girls I played with really liked me. Of course, they think I'm some rich astronaut that will take them to the moon."

In speaking with one of the 'girls' of the site, she told a similar story. "The guys really like me. Little do they know I'm really a guy named Larry, who likes to dress in drag and have cybersex on the gamesite for sixty cents a minute. Hell, I would charge more, but most of these losers couldn't afford me!"

In local news:

Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds

Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.

“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”

The Curious Urinal Monday 10/4/2010

Prehistoric Penguins Were Not Well-Dressed

This isn't your fathers penguin. It has been recently discovered that penguins didn't always boast tuxedo-like black-and-white markings, according to a new study conducted by researchers. The discovery of the first ancient penguin fossil with evidence of feathers reveals the aquatic birds were once reddish-brown and gray, reminding one of 1960's Hippies instead of the well-dressed penguins we know today.

It's also noted that the 36 million-year-old fossil represents one of the largest ancient penguins ever found. The bird would have been 5 feet (1.5 meters) tall, and probably weighed twice as much as modern Emperor penguins, which average about 66 pounds (30 kilograms). Its long, grooved beak suggests that, like modern penguins, it hunted by diving for fish and seemed to have a penchant for making mischief and buggery.

Speaking with The Penguin, who is currently spending his time in Gotham City Prison, he noted that Batman never appreciated what he did for the Caped Crusaders image. "But I digress," The Penguin squawked. "If had not been for me, Batman would have been a cut-rate superhero!"








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