Primary Election Results from Ammo County Elections Board
The is a special Saturday update from The Curious Urinal
With both precincts closed at 7 p.m. Tuesday night, the vote counting began for Erma Stufenballot, Director of Voter Registration at the Ammo County Courthouse and Corn Dog Stand.
With a record number of votes to be counted, the tallying took nearly 4 days. But finally they are counted and here are the verified primary election results.
Republican County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff defeated newcomer Billy “Boot to the Head” Kluben with the vote tally being 36 votes for Closoff - 6 for Kluben.
Democrat Carrie Lisp barely defeated her twin brother, Craig Lisp in the battle for the County Road Commissioner post. Even their parents voted along party lines and chose to vote for the Republican Oliver Closoff, stating, “Neither of those kids are worth shooting. I wouldn’t vote for them to be County Dogcatcher, much less taking care of the roads. Hell, they never could keep their rooms straight! How can you trust them to do anything else right?”
So now, Carrie Lisp will take Oliver Closoff on in the November election.
For Traffic Commissioner, Parker Oberdar won his bid to defeat current Traffic Commissioner Vernon Jeliphish, 30 - 16. Now Oberdar will run unopposed in the November election.
Buzzardbait’s Mayor for Life, Democrat Gerald Aberhamsterson won a hard fought race against Howard D. Ucklebalm 32 - 21 Aberhamsterson was thinking about dropping out of the race to pursue a career in the ministry, but decided that if he couldn’t be a god, he’d continue to be mayor.
The Republican race for Mayor was won by “Big” Willy Wanghamer, who defeated Charlie Haus, although the vote was tied at 10 each. The two decided to arm-wrestle, with the winner to be the declared winner. Wanghamer, a retired professional wrestler, pinned Haus’ arm in three seconds, then body-slammed Haus, got him in a step-over toe hold and won the race with that submission hold.
So it will be Aberhamsterson vs. Wanghamer in a no holds barred battle royal come November.
State Senator for Ammo County, (D)Mandrake Cashferme, ran unopposed and still lost to None of the Above 47- 0. A run-off election will have to be held to fill the seat. Senator Cashferme is said to be demanding a recount.
On the Republican ticket, Wendell Wadsworth overcame a close challenge from Dino D. Boinker with a final count of 16 - 4. Wadsworth will square off against None of the Above if it is declared the winner of the Run-off election.
Congressman for the 69th Precinct, (D)Betsy Filsumup won a hard fought race against Phillip Groinful. Groinful, a Hooter Heights businessman, spent nearly $600 on his race and still lost to Filsumup, who just spent $50 and bought a case of beer to defeat her challenger.
In the Republican Race for congress, Elam Lawless lost to Tea Party favorite (L) Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. The vote was 41 - 3.
Filsumup and Broom will now do battle. Broom says he wants to be the one to head to Washington to sweep through congress and clean things up..
For the office of School Board President, Shirley Yejest lost her seat to Maggie Muckraker, who ran on the promise of education reform by a margin of 37 - 1. Mrs. Yejest is now said to be mulling over a run for statewide office since she received no help from Ammo County Teachers after she told them that if they voted for anyone else, she would personally rip their heads off and shit down their necks. All of the teachers apparently decided not to vote at all. And speaking with her husband, he said he had abstained from voting in the primary due to being away on business (delivering a fresh load of beer to Big Al’s Titty Emporium).
Judge Hugh Harshly won another term as Judge Magistrate. He was opposed by Local Lawyer Sidney Suem of the Findham, Skrewem and Suem Law Firm. The vote count was 32- 6.
There were no Democrats who wished to oppose Judge Hugh Harshly in November.
The November Elections will be held in November, oddly enough.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday 5/22
Candidate Faux Pas sends media into frenzy
Over the past few days, controversy has surrounded Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. A month ago, the Lousyville newspaper did an interview with him and asked the candidate about the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The Lousyvilly newspaper sat on the story until after the election results were final. Then they released the story and caused a firestorm in the mainstream media.
Now, in an exclusive interview, The Curious Urinal will ask Elmer 'The Talking' Broom about this media feeding frenzy he had found himself in.
Curious Urinal (CU): So, what lessons have you learned since winning the primary last Tuesday?
Elmer Broom (E.B.): Not to talk to Lousyville reporters for one thing. (laughter) But seriously, I know that words matter, and sometimes people take things you say out of proportion.
CU: So, what exactly are your views on the CRA (Civil Rights Act) of '64?
E.B: Exactly what they have always been.
CU: And that would be?
E.B.: I have clearly stated that I wholeheartedly rejoice in there being absolutely no discrimination. In face, I rejoice that discrimination is something that is long gone from the social make-up of this wonderful country!
CU: Really? I thought that there was still discrimination all over America today.
E.B.: Where?
CU: Well, just last week, a local man named Harley Werken couldn't get a job at Hooterys. All because he didn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top.
E.B.: That sucks! When I'm elected, I'll stop that shit!
CU: Please don't. Have you ever seen Harley Werken? He doesn't look good in anything!
E.B.: But still, I am all for there being no discrimination anywhere, at anytime!
CU: Now onto more important matters...
E.B.: In fact, I can tell you that I will make it a point to fire off legislation to make sure that no one ever gets discriminated at Hooterys ever again!
CU: Okay. Now, if I could ask...
E.B.: This is America, dammit! If Harley Werken wants to work at Hooterys, then By Jenkies I'll push it so that he can, and will get a job there. And he'll be able to live the American dream!
CU: Great. So, on to your stand on...
E.B.: This makes me mad as hell! A poor man who needs a job is discriminated against because he doesn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top is simply not the America I know! How dare those at Hooterys to deny some hard working, unemployed guy a chance to make a decent living! How dare they thumb their noses at someone that obviously wants to work!
CU: Can we move on here? I wanted to ask...
E.B.: I think I'm going to call for a general boycott of all Hooterys in the nation, starting with the one here in Buzzardbait, and...
CU: There isn't a Hooterys in Buzzardbait. That's in Lousyville.
E.B.: Then I'm off to Lousyville to boycott the Hooterys there.
CU: But what about the interview?
E.B.: You'd put your interview above the rights of some poor soul who needs a job and is discriminated against?
CU: Like I said, if you saw Harley Werken, you'd understand why they wouldn't hire him.
E.B.: Discrimination on someones looks is not a valid reason. He could look like a steaming pile of dog vomit and I'd stand up for his rights!
CU: Actually he looks like the end of a hard winter. He's 6'3” and weighs in at all of 88 pounds. He reminds me of an oversized Q-tip that was used and tossed out.
E.B.: (pondering) That bad, huh?
CU: Yes, he's that bad.
E.B.: Screw him then.
CU: Now onto...
E.B. Sorry, I have to run. I have an interview with Diane Sawbones in a couple of minutes and I want to brush my teeth and put on some Musk cologne.
CU: I see. Well, okay then. Thank for your time.
E.B.: And be sure to vote for me come November!
Candidate Faux Pas sends media into frenzy
Over the past few days, controversy has surrounded Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. A month ago, the Lousyville newspaper did an interview with him and asked the candidate about the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The Lousyvilly newspaper sat on the story until after the election results were final. Then they released the story and caused a firestorm in the mainstream media.
Now, in an exclusive interview, The Curious Urinal will ask Elmer 'The Talking' Broom about this media feeding frenzy he had found himself in.
Curious Urinal (CU): So, what lessons have you learned since winning the primary last Tuesday?
Elmer Broom (E.B.): Not to talk to Lousyville reporters for one thing. (laughter) But seriously, I know that words matter, and sometimes people take things you say out of proportion.
CU: So, what exactly are your views on the CRA (Civil Rights Act) of '64?
E.B: Exactly what they have always been.
CU: And that would be?
E.B.: I have clearly stated that I wholeheartedly rejoice in there being absolutely no discrimination. In face, I rejoice that discrimination is something that is long gone from the social make-up of this wonderful country!
CU: Really? I thought that there was still discrimination all over America today.
E.B.: Where?
CU: Well, just last week, a local man named Harley Werken couldn't get a job at Hooterys. All because he didn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top.
E.B.: That sucks! When I'm elected, I'll stop that shit!
CU: Please don't. Have you ever seen Harley Werken? He doesn't look good in anything!
E.B.: But still, I am all for there being no discrimination anywhere, at anytime!
CU: Now onto more important matters...
E.B.: In fact, I can tell you that I will make it a point to fire off legislation to make sure that no one ever gets discriminated at Hooterys ever again!
CU: Okay. Now, if I could ask...
E.B.: This is America, dammit! If Harley Werken wants to work at Hooterys, then By Jenkies I'll push it so that he can, and will get a job there. And he'll be able to live the American dream!
CU: Great. So, on to your stand on...
E.B.: This makes me mad as hell! A poor man who needs a job is discriminated against because he doesn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top is simply not the America I know! How dare those at Hooterys to deny some hard working, unemployed guy a chance to make a decent living! How dare they thumb their noses at someone that obviously wants to work!
CU: Can we move on here? I wanted to ask...
E.B.: I think I'm going to call for a general boycott of all Hooterys in the nation, starting with the one here in Buzzardbait, and...
CU: There isn't a Hooterys in Buzzardbait. That's in Lousyville.
E.B.: Then I'm off to Lousyville to boycott the Hooterys there.
CU: But what about the interview?
E.B.: You'd put your interview above the rights of some poor soul who needs a job and is discriminated against?
CU: Like I said, if you saw Harley Werken, you'd understand why they wouldn't hire him.
E.B.: Discrimination on someones looks is not a valid reason. He could look like a steaming pile of dog vomit and I'd stand up for his rights!
CU: Actually he looks like the end of a hard winter. He's 6'3” and weighs in at all of 88 pounds. He reminds me of an oversized Q-tip that was used and tossed out.
E.B.: (pondering) That bad, huh?
CU: Yes, he's that bad.
E.B.: Screw him then.
CU: Now onto...
E.B. Sorry, I have to run. I have an interview with Diane Sawbones in a couple of minutes and I want to brush my teeth and put on some Musk cologne.
CU: I see. Well, okay then. Thank for your time.
E.B.: And be sure to vote for me come November!
Satan Visits Local Church
The Reverend Larry Satan (pronounced Johnson) will be paying a visit to The Church of Some Guy Named Fred this Sunday for their annual Tent Revival. This Year's tent revival is being called, This Year's Tent Revival, the same as last year. This is mostly due to the fact that they already have the banner sign from last year and hated to waste it.
Among the assorted speakers at this years event will be the Reverend Nemo Cash of the St. Aureole Church in Hooter Heights. And this year, Reverend Fred Fuchbucker is out of jail, so all donations this year will go to keeping the attorney fees paid up so he can stay out of jail.
As you may recall, last year Reverend Fred was being held in the Ammo County Jail on solicitation to have gay sex with a man of Asian decent During this last years Chinese New Years Celebration at Won Hung Lo's House of Sushi and XXX Cinema. Reverend Fred kept insisting that he was not asking the young man for gay sex, but was wanting to order Cream of Sum Yung Gui. The jury found him not guilty and allowed Reverend Fred to return to his church.
The Tent Revival begins at noon Sunday and will run until they decide to end it.
The Reverend Larry Satan (pronounced Johnson) will be paying a visit to The Church of Some Guy Named Fred this Sunday for their annual Tent Revival. This Year's tent revival is being called, This Year's Tent Revival, the same as last year. This is mostly due to the fact that they already have the banner sign from last year and hated to waste it.
Among the assorted speakers at this years event will be the Reverend Nemo Cash of the St. Aureole Church in Hooter Heights. And this year, Reverend Fred Fuchbucker is out of jail, so all donations this year will go to keeping the attorney fees paid up so he can stay out of jail.
As you may recall, last year Reverend Fred was being held in the Ammo County Jail on solicitation to have gay sex with a man of Asian decent During this last years Chinese New Years Celebration at Won Hung Lo's House of Sushi and XXX Cinema. Reverend Fred kept insisting that he was not asking the young man for gay sex, but was wanting to order Cream of Sum Yung Gui. The jury found him not guilty and allowed Reverend Fred to return to his church.
The Tent Revival begins at noon Sunday and will run until they decide to end it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
It's Wednesday again, and that means surprise day here at the old Curious Urinal. And just like last week, I'm posting actual products from other countries, and how I think Madison Ave. should promote them here in the good ol' USA!
In an age where so many products are loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives, there is only one product so full of natural ingredients that it’s hard to resist! It’s Fresh!
That’s right Fresh Cok Milk! Made from the finest Cok, Fresh Cok Milk is the answer to your organic dietary needs. Fresh Cok Milk is loaded with vitamins and all natural proteins and sugars that will keep your mouth happy! Fresh Cok Milk comes in quarts for your pleasure. Don’t jerk around... Try Fresh Cok Milk today!
Are you looking for a snack that's good for you? Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good!
It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA.
Megapussi... The name says it all!
When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed.... They wanted two Pork Faggots!
And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh! Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!
When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than My Fannie!
The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!
When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks. Pee Cola. With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice.
If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. It’s all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola!
It tastes as good as its name!
Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good?
Then you need to find some Happy Crak! Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!
There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager.
A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it? It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!
After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...
New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!
There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment. But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone!
ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!
Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine. When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!
And finally,
There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both! Announcing New Wack-Off!
It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle.
Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!
In an age where so many products are loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives, there is only one product so full of natural ingredients that it’s hard to resist! It’s Fresh!
That’s right Fresh Cok Milk! Made from the finest Cok, Fresh Cok Milk is the answer to your organic dietary needs. Fresh Cok Milk is loaded with vitamins and all natural proteins and sugars that will keep your mouth happy! Fresh Cok Milk comes in quarts for your pleasure. Don’t jerk around... Try Fresh Cok Milk today!
Are you looking for a snack that's good for you? Then you need to get some Megapussi! The bite-sized snacks that taste like chicken, but smells like tuna. They're wholesome, delicious and lip-licking good!
It comes in a convenient box. Megapussi is the official snack food of The NBA, MLB, NFL and the Ladies PGA. Megapussi... The name says it all!
When Mr. Brain’s went to San Francisco and asked men what they wanted in a ready to eat meal, most men agreed.... They wanted two Pork Faggots!
And Mr. Brain said, "Why have just two when you can have four!" Pork Faggots also come in a traditional Western sauce. It’s thick and creamy, with a hint of salt and sugar for a taste that everyone can swallow down! But what makes Pork Faggots absolutely fabulous is the sauce is whipped up daily, so it’s always fresh! Pork Faggots... Try some for lunch or dinner, or even for a bedtime snack. Pork Faggots... They're not hard to find. Just bend over into the meat case and grab yourself some today!When you need a toilet paper that is strong, yet soft, look no further than My Fannie!
The extra-wide toilet tissue for those big wipers. My Fannie feels so good! And in many decorator styles, My Fannie looks good too! Better than the ordinary wipes, My Fannie takes all you can dish out and still is ready for more. So next time you need something better than ordinary toilet paper, think of My Fannie! It wipes-out the rest!When your thirst just can’t be quenched by regular colas, there’s only one that taste as good as it looks. Pee Cola. With no artificial colors or flavors, Pee Cola is the only logical choice.
If you’re a whiz, then you already know that Pee Cola is bottled at the peak of freshness for that one-of-a-kind flavor. It’s all natural taste is best when drank at room temperature. Hot Pee Cola is good for you, but Cold Pee Cola can hit the spot too! Don’t piss away your money on other carbonated drinks. Don’t piddle around with those other colas. Relieve yourself today... Have a Pee Cola! It tastes as good as its name!
Got a party tonight and need something that will keep it pumping? Or are you sitting around, watching a movie and need a snack that will keep you feeling good?
Then you need to find some Happy Crak! Happy Crak Popcorn will always be the hit of any party. There’s nothing like a Happy Crak to put a smile on your face, or the faces of all of your friends... Even if they get sloppy seconds. Happy Crak Popcorn comes in convenient 12-ounce bags. And there's no need to microwave it. Just work it in your hands and soon your Happy Crak is hot and ready! So pop a little Happy Crak in your mouth and let the party begin!There are beers, and then there's the beer that tastes as good as you’d expect from a Lager.
A beer that will go down smooth and easy, and leaving a nice smile on your face. It may smell like the ass of a bear, but it taste goooood! And if you pour it right, you’ll get good head! What is it? It’s Vergina Premium Lager. Vergina... Always tastes as good as it looks!After a hard day of exercising, wouldn’t it we nice to replenish those bodily fluids you lose? You don't want a sports drink that will dog you later? You want a sports drink that’s both all natural and completely free of wimpy names that try to make you feel important for drinking it? Then you need to try the latest product from Pet...
New Pet Sweat! Yes, Pet Sweat will quench that thirst like nothing else. Pet Sweat will replenish those lost fluids like nature intended. Don’t get into a lather after a bit of exertion. Don't settle for imitations; Drink Pet Sweat! The official drink of the ASPCA and PETA!
There are toilet papers out there that claim to be soft, absorbent and good for the environment. But no toilet tissue even comes close to our Pillow-soft, 100% recycled - ShitBegone! ShitBegone...The name say’s it all!
Royco presents the next generation of Japanese cuisine. When you need to fix it fast and hot and you need it now, there is only one choice to make... New and Improved Shito Mix! Made with the finest Shit and O! You'll have a big Shito-eating Grin... Again and again. Shito Mix, made with all natural ingredients, including corn chunks.
Shito Mix... Now you can tell everyone to eat Shito!
And finally,
There are times when you need an insect repellent, and other times when you need a great lubricant. Now, you can have both! Announcing New Wack-Off!
It’s Tropical Strength! Used by the Armed Forces when out in the remote jungles, Wack-Off provides you with a proven insect repellent during the day, and doubles as a great lubricant for those lonely nights hanging out in the jungle. Wack-Off... Wrap your hands around some today!
The Curious Urinal 2/10/2012
Farm Report Shows Good Year Ahead
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Given the recent wonky weather, and the lack of snow this winter, Ammo County Agricultural Commissioner, Seymore Butzman, released the yearly farm report yesterday. According to the report, Tobacco-flavored Cumquat production should exceed last year's crop by nearly 3%. In addition, Lemon Beets and Sodium Vibrofoam crops look to be on the increase for this coming planting season.
Mr. Butzman announced the latest report yesterday in front of a packed crowd of farmers in the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. The sixty or so farmers brought along hoes and picks--- just in case the report wasn't good. A relieved Mr. Butzman remembered the last bad report, when he spent seven days in intensive care at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center. This time the farmers merely grumbled and left peacefully.
Speaking of hoes... Several farmers are upset at the Ammo County Extension Office for what they call 'lack of Farm Hos' in the county.
Amos Verginey, owner of the Verginey Farm, asked at the meeting, “Where are all the good farm hos gone? Right over to Farmville, that's where! I haven't had a decent ho since they [Farmtown County] began offering incentives to the hos to hang out there. This is unacceptable!”
Mr. Butzman replied, “I feel your pain. I haven't had a decent farm ho myself in six months. We're going to look into the matter just as soon as we can figure out how to work the new phone system we had installed!”
On a related note, the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce and Laundromat will be holding a meeting on the business outlook for Buzzardbait and Ammo County next Tuesday at the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. All interested business people are asked to attend, but to please refrain from bringing weapons, tomatoes and other messy items to throw, otherwise it will be just like the meeting we had two years ago.
It took three weeks and several hundred dollars to clean up the mess, and patch the assorted bullet holes in the walls and ceilings. Also, whomever brought the cow to the meeting last year is asked to please leave it at home this year. The smell of bovine biomass took weeks to fumigate from the building. In addition, please refrain from spitting on the floor. The carpeting was permanently stained with tobacco juice, fecal matter and mud. The carpeting replacement will cost more than is budgeted for during the next three years, thus it will remain stained until further notice.
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff Not Covered By Other Departments. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Farm Report Shows Good Year Ahead
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Given the recent wonky weather, and the lack of snow this winter, Ammo County Agricultural Commissioner, Seymore Butzman, released the yearly farm report yesterday. According to the report, Tobacco-flavored Cumquat production should exceed last year's crop by nearly 3%. In addition, Lemon Beets and Sodium Vibrofoam crops look to be on the increase for this coming planting season.
Mr. Butzman announced the latest report yesterday in front of a packed crowd of farmers in the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. The sixty or so farmers brought along hoes and picks--- just in case the report wasn't good. A relieved Mr. Butzman remembered the last bad report, when he spent seven days in intensive care at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center. This time the farmers merely grumbled and left peacefully.
Speaking of hoes... Several farmers are upset at the Ammo County Extension Office for what they call 'lack of Farm Hos' in the county.
Amos Verginey, owner of the Verginey Farm, asked at the meeting, “Where are all the good farm hos gone? Right over to Farmville, that's where! I haven't had a decent ho since they [Farmtown County] began offering incentives to the hos to hang out there. This is unacceptable!”
Mr. Butzman replied, “I feel your pain. I haven't had a decent farm ho myself in six months. We're going to look into the matter just as soon as we can figure out how to work the new phone system we had installed!”
On a related note, the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce and Laundromat will be holding a meeting on the business outlook for Buzzardbait and Ammo County next Tuesday at the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. All interested business people are asked to attend, but to please refrain from bringing weapons, tomatoes and other messy items to throw, otherwise it will be just like the meeting we had two years ago.
It took three weeks and several hundred dollars to clean up the mess, and patch the assorted bullet holes in the walls and ceilings. Also, whomever brought the cow to the meeting last year is asked to please leave it at home this year. The smell of bovine biomass took weeks to fumigate from the building. In addition, please refrain from spitting on the floor. The carpeting was permanently stained with tobacco juice, fecal matter and mud. The carpeting replacement will cost more than is budgeted for during the next three years, thus it will remain stained until further notice.
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff Not Covered By Other Departments. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
Hey Mom... What are you feeding your kids for breakfast?
How about trying Monkey Nuts Cereal Berry and Bourbon Flavor?
It will perk up even the slowest child!
Monkey Nuts Cereal is a product of CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)