Primary Election Results from Ammo County Elections Board

The is a special Saturday update from The Curious Urinal


With both precincts closed at 7 p.m. Tuesday night, the vote counting began for Erma Stufenballot, Director of Voter Registration at the Ammo County Courthouse and Corn Dog Stand.

With a record number of votes to be counted, the tallying took nearly 4 days. But finally they are counted and here are the verified primary election results.

Republican County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff defeated newcomer Billy “Boot to the Head” Kluben with the vote tally being 36 votes for Closoff - 6 for Kluben.

Democrat Carrie Lisp barely defeated her twin brother, Craig Lisp in the battle for the County Road Commissioner post. Even their parents voted along party lines and chose to vote for the Republican Oliver Closoff, stating, “Neither of those kids are worth shooting. I wouldn’t vote for them to be County Dogcatcher, much less taking care of the roads. Hell, they never could keep their rooms straight! How can you trust them to do anything else right?”

So now, Carrie Lisp will take Oliver Closoff on in the November election.

For Traffic Commissioner, Parker Oberdar won his bid to defeat current Traffic Commissioner Vernon Jeliphish, 30 - 16. Now Oberdar will run unopposed in the November election.

Buzzardbait’s Mayor for Life, Democrat Gerald Aberhamsterson won a hard fought race against Howard D. Ucklebalm 32 - 21 Aberhamsterson was thinking about dropping out of the race to pursue a career in the ministry, but decided that if he couldn’t be a god, he’d continue to be mayor.

The Republican race for Mayor was won by “Big” Willy Wanghamer, who defeated Charlie Haus, although the vote was tied at 10 each. The two decided to arm-wrestle, with the winner to be the declared winner. Wanghamer, a retired professional wrestler, pinned Haus’ arm in three seconds, then body-slammed Haus, got him in a step-over toe hold and won the race with that submission hold.

So it will be Aberhamsterson vs. Wanghamer in a no holds barred battle royal come November.

State Senator for Ammo County, (D)Mandrake Cashferme, ran unopposed and still lost to None of the Above 47- 0. A run-off election will have to be held to fill the seat. Senator Cashferme is said to be demanding a recount.

On the Republican ticket, Wendell Wadsworth overcame a close challenge from Dino D. Boinker with a final count of 16 - 4. Wadsworth will square off against None of the Above if it is declared the winner of the Run-off election.

Congressman for the 69th Precinct, (D)Betsy Filsumup won a hard fought race against Phillip Groinful. Groinful, a Hooter Heights businessman, spent nearly $600 on his race and still lost to Filsumup, who just spent $50 and bought a case of beer to defeat her challenger.

In the Republican Race for congress, Elam Lawless lost to Tea Party favorite (L) Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. The vote was 41 - 3.

Filsumup and Broom will now do battle. Broom says he wants to be the one to head to Washington to sweep through congress and clean things up..

For the office of School Board President, Shirley Yejest lost her seat to Maggie Muckraker, who ran on the promise of education reform by a margin of 37 - 1. Mrs. Yejest is now said to be mulling over a run for statewide office since she received no help from Ammo County Teachers after she told them that if they voted for anyone else, she would personally rip their heads off and shit down their necks. All of the teachers apparently decided not to vote at all. And speaking with her husband, he said he had abstained from voting in the primary due to being away on business (delivering a fresh load of beer to Big Al’s Titty Emporium).

Judge Hugh Harshly won another term as Judge Magistrate. He was opposed by Local Lawyer Sidney Suem of the Findham, Skrewem and Suem Law Firm. The vote count was 32- 6.

There were no Democrats who wished to oppose Judge Hugh Harshly in November.

The November Elections will be held in November, oddly enough.