The Curious Urinal - Friday, 12/21/2012

SPECIAL 'END OF THE WORLD' EDITION

Well, it's here... 12/21/12. The day that we are all supposed to die horrific deaths by unknown forces, supposedly foretold by the Mayan Calender. Whether it be from huge boulders falling from the sky to rogue planets that will miraculously appear and slam into the earth, many people actually believe that the world will end today... At some point.

As many have prepared to meet their doom across the world, other scoff at the very idea that somehow the world will end today, citing Y2K and other gloom and doom events in recent years that have turned out to be more dud than doom.

Here in Buzzardbait, Haji Hockaloogie, owner of the Buzzardbait Grocery and Bait Shop, has gone all out to make sure that people had their "End of the World" party supplies ready. He also has had a week long special on red worms for the fishermen that want to live their final moments at Buzzardbait Lake.

But other folks in the community have had better things to do with their time. Take Oliver Clothesoff, Head of the Ammo County Road Department; he has been telling everyone that believes the world is going to end today that they are crazy. We tried to speak to him, but he declined an interview, citing that he would be barracaded in his home with a stockpile of beer, weapons and ammunition, in case the zombie apocolypse begins today.

Meanwhile, out at Old Man Wilsons Farm, Old Man Wilson has been making sure his hundred head of milking cows are busy producing milk, in case the world doesn't end, and people need milk. "Those folks are just plain stupid," Wilson stated, a wad of Red Dog Chewing Tobacco in his cheek, looking more like a baseball in his mouth. "These are some special kind of stupid people that believe that the world's gonna end tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have cows to milk and lottery tickets to go buy. I'm gonna win the lottery Saturday!"

Yes, all of this talk of the end of the world sure make one wonder if it could happen. However, reality makes us believe that this is yet another Y2K, or Hale-Bopp moment in history. Tomorrow, a bunch of us will wonder why we stockpiled water, food, and tobacco-flavored cumquat seeds in our underground bunkers, when we should have stocked up on beer and pretzels for the big game on Saturday.

Speaking of shopping, in my recent run to the supermarket up in Lousyville, the shelves were barren, except for a few packs of Mrs. Buttermounds Deep Fried Lard Balls, and the occasional bottle of Shitts Lite Beer. The store manager, a short, balding man with a distinctive limp, told me, "The world has gone as mad as if the weatherman had predicted an inch of snow, and the schools were closing down because of it. Now I have to restock the store, hire two employees to replace the two that were trampled over in the rush, and clean aisle seven, where someone decided to push all the pickles onto the floor. That's a stinking mess, I'm telling you!"

Here's the deal people--- with four days until Christmas, the stores are already chock-full of idiots who are shopping for other idiots Christmas gifts. The sad reality is that those idiots will be returning those gifts for what they really want the day after Christmas. So, do we really need more idiots shopping for their last-minute 'end of the world' supplies.

Honestly, if the world did end today, who would be around to care? With the idiots shooting children in schools, and the idiots running the country speeding us all over the fiscal cliff, maybe if the world did end, the madness would as well.

So, until the world ends for real, we'll have to keep dealing with the idiots, and wonder if and when God will decide enough is enough, and thin the herd. Unitl that happens, I'm afraid we're quite stuck living among the idiots.

Or, in the immoral words of some guy who scrawled this upon the bathroom wall at Big Al's Tittie Emporium, "The only sane people in the world are Ye and Me, and I'm wondering about Ye!"

Oh, if the world does end today, if I owe anyone money, I'll pay you tomorrow. If it doesn't, please disregard the aforementioned statement.