Media Empire Grows Yet Again!
Screwgle, the nations largest Media Empire, is doing what it does best once again!
Biff Butzhumper, President and CEO of Screwgle, announced today that his Global Media Behemoth will be offering a new Ad-insertion program into the Blog-sites of millions of bloggers nationwide. “The idea is simple... When you have a blog, you have ads that people can click on to generate money for your blog-site. Then, when you have accumulated enough money to actually make a few dollars, Screwgle will close your Ad account and keep the money!”
This reporter asked, “But isn't that akin to cheating?”
“Cheating? Please! How do you think we make money in this market?” Butzhumper asked the reporter. “We make it the old-fashioned way... We screw the bloggers and keep their money. It's a sound business model that works!”
When this reporter asked if corporate greed came to mind, Mr. Butzhumper replied, “If the government can do it, so can we!”
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Hi and Happy Wednesday, which happens to be Surprise Day. And do I have a surprise for you. And this is a good point to ask for your votes on this one. Also, please click on an ad. I'm saving up for a new pair of water buffalo pants. Thanks. And now, here we go!
These are actual products that sell in countries all around the world.
Now, imagine if these were American products. How would Madison Ave. promote them?
Announcing: New Mini Dickmann’s Tasty treats. Mini-Dickmann’s are cream-filled and they come in three delicious flavors - Vanilla, Chocolate and Spicy South of the Border.
Mini-Dickmann’s... Pop one in your mouth today!
Hey Mom... Do you have to make a quick lunch for the kids? Or even for Dad, who’s running late for that sales meeting? Try making them a Bimbo sandwich! Bimbo Bread is always a good choice for those quickie lunches. Bimbo sandwiches are the perfect choice for those people on the go. And it’s all natural! Bimbo Bread is the easiest way to satisfy that particular taste! So when you need to make it quick, make it a Bimbo!
When your baby has a rash, and needs some relief, rub a little Booty Goo on that tush and baby will be all smiles. Made with all natural ingredients, Booty Goo is the right choice for that derriere.
Booty Goo... The way Nature intended!
In the world of high protein energy drinks, there is only one choice for men... Erektus!
When your clock is winding down and you're feeling a little flaccid... Erektus!
Erektus, the all-protein energy drink for those guys that like it when the going’s hard! Erektus!
Hey guys, when you’re on the run, and you need a snack to get you moving, try the best snack for your busy lifestyle - Finger Marie! And ladies, when you’re running around and feeling like slowing down - Finger Marie! Yes, Finger Marie is the wholesome snack that is both tasty and nutritious. It looks like a snack cracker, but taste like chicken! And every box is always as good as the first. So, when you need something to lift you when you’re feeling a little down...
Finger Marie. You’ll be glad you did!
In today’s busy hustle and bustle world, you need something a little more... Filling. Something that’s going to hit the spot and make you want to come... Back... Again and again. You need Homo Sausage. And it comes in three fabulous flavors: Traditional, Spicy and Flaming!
Homo Sausage. Wouldn’t you like one right now?
When dinnertime rolls around and you need to whip something up quick, reach for ‘Cock Soup!’ In the convenient packets, Cock Soup is perfect for those cold nights. It will warm you up and fill you up! Cock Soup is all natural and loaded with protein! And the easy to make directions are on the back of every package. You can slowly stir it to make soft Cock Soup, or whip it up and have some hard Cock Soup. You can eat it with a spoon, or use a straw to suck it up.
Cock Soup... Gobble some down tonight!
Need a pick-me-up? Try Asse! Favorable milk chocolate wafers smothered in dark chocolate. If it’s Asse, you know it will taste good!
And a little Asse will always perk you up anytime of the day!
Asse! Tastes as good as it smells!
Looking for an energy drink that will gas you up and keep you going all day, or night? Fart! The all natural energy drink that smells as good as it taste. Fart, High-octane Energy that pumps you up, not poops you out! It comes in two sizes: The 6-ounce Little Fart, or the 12-ounce Big Fart! It will gas you up and never leave you winded. And coming soon: the disposable foil packet, so you can squeeze out a little fart and never have to worry about a big mess!
Start your day with a Fart!
These are actual products that sell in countries all around the world.
Now, imagine if these were American products. How would Madison Ave. promote them?
Announcing: New Mini Dickmann’s Tasty treats. Mini-Dickmann’s are cream-filled and they come in three delicious flavors - Vanilla, Chocolate and Spicy South of the Border.
Mini-Dickmann’s... Pop one in your mouth today!
Hey Mom... Do you have to make a quick lunch for the kids? Or even for Dad, who’s running late for that sales meeting? Try making them a Bimbo sandwich! Bimbo Bread is always a good choice for those quickie lunches. Bimbo sandwiches are the perfect choice for those people on the go. And it’s all natural! Bimbo Bread is the easiest way to satisfy that particular taste! So when you need to make it quick, make it a Bimbo!
When your baby has a rash, and needs some relief, rub a little Booty Goo on that tush and baby will be all smiles. Made with all natural ingredients, Booty Goo is the right choice for that derriere.
Booty Goo... The way Nature intended!
In the world of high protein energy drinks, there is only one choice for men... Erektus!
When your clock is winding down and you're feeling a little flaccid... Erektus!
Erektus, the all-protein energy drink for those guys that like it when the going’s hard! Erektus!
Hey guys, when you’re on the run, and you need a snack to get you moving, try the best snack for your busy lifestyle - Finger Marie! And ladies, when you’re running around and feeling like slowing down - Finger Marie! Yes, Finger Marie is the wholesome snack that is both tasty and nutritious. It looks like a snack cracker, but taste like chicken! And every box is always as good as the first. So, when you need something to lift you when you’re feeling a little down...
Finger Marie. You’ll be glad you did!
In today’s busy hustle and bustle world, you need something a little more... Filling. Something that’s going to hit the spot and make you want to come... Back... Again and again. You need Homo Sausage. And it comes in three fabulous flavors: Traditional, Spicy and Flaming!
Homo Sausage. Wouldn’t you like one right now?
When dinnertime rolls around and you need to whip something up quick, reach for ‘Cock Soup!’ In the convenient packets, Cock Soup is perfect for those cold nights. It will warm you up and fill you up! Cock Soup is all natural and loaded with protein! And the easy to make directions are on the back of every package. You can slowly stir it to make soft Cock Soup, or whip it up and have some hard Cock Soup. You can eat it with a spoon, or use a straw to suck it up.
Cock Soup... Gobble some down tonight!
Need a pick-me-up? Try Asse! Favorable milk chocolate wafers smothered in dark chocolate. If it’s Asse, you know it will taste good!
And a little Asse will always perk you up anytime of the day!
Asse! Tastes as good as it smells!
Looking for an energy drink that will gas you up and keep you going all day, or night? Fart! The all natural energy drink that smells as good as it taste. Fart, High-octane Energy that pumps you up, not poops you out! It comes in two sizes: The 6-ounce Little Fart, or the 12-ounce Big Fart! It will gas you up and never leave you winded. And coming soon: the disposable foil packet, so you can squeeze out a little fart and never have to worry about a big mess!
Start your day with a Fart!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Stalker spotted on South Handy Street
Teachers at the Buzzardbait Elementary school and parents of students received a shock yesterday when they saw a man starring out of a display window across from the school. The man stood there for hours on end, watching the comings and goings of the parents, students and teachers. Finally, MaDonna Ogleme, the vice-principal, called the Buzzardbait Police to investigate. After arriving at the scene, Buzzardbait police crashed through the display window at Howie's Movie Hut and found the culprit; a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Pee Wee Herman. No arrests were made in the incident.
In other news around the area:
Outside of Poon Point is the farm of Marty McBizby, but everyone calls him the 'Old Man'. And on that farm he had some ducks (Eeye and Eeye Ohh), in a pond on the farm of Old Man McBizby. But at 10:35 a.m. Sunday, Old Man McBizby called the Buzzardbait police to make a complaint on some dogs that had been allowed to run loose and who had attacked his ducks.
The loose dogs, owned by B. I. Engeo, also of Poon Point, were rounded up and summarily shot by the Buzzardbait police.
According to Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, the ducks refused any treatment by EMS workers and swam off.
And from the Classified Ads:
For sale – FULL SIZE Mattress,Restonit, 20 year warranty. Like new; must sell. Slight urine odor and blood stains. $50. Contact The Curious Urinal for phone number.
For sale – A complete collection of Old People. Contact The Buzzardbait Rest Home for details.
Teachers at the Buzzardbait Elementary school and parents of students received a shock yesterday when they saw a man starring out of a display window across from the school. The man stood there for hours on end, watching the comings and goings of the parents, students and teachers. Finally, MaDonna Ogleme, the vice-principal, called the Buzzardbait Police to investigate. After arriving at the scene, Buzzardbait police crashed through the display window at Howie's Movie Hut and found the culprit; a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Pee Wee Herman. No arrests were made in the incident.
In other news around the area:
Outside of Poon Point is the farm of Marty McBizby, but everyone calls him the 'Old Man'. And on that farm he had some ducks (Eeye and Eeye Ohh), in a pond on the farm of Old Man McBizby. But at 10:35 a.m. Sunday, Old Man McBizby called the Buzzardbait police to make a complaint on some dogs that had been allowed to run loose and who had attacked his ducks.
The loose dogs, owned by B. I. Engeo, also of Poon Point, were rounded up and summarily shot by the Buzzardbait police.
According to Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, the ducks refused any treatment by EMS workers and swam off.
And from the Classified Ads:
For sale – FULL SIZE Mattress,Restonit, 20 year warranty. Like new; must sell. Slight urine odor and blood stains. $50. Contact The Curious Urinal for phone number.
For sale – A complete collection of Old People. Contact The Buzzardbait Rest Home for details.
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