7 Year Old Driver Steals Car
By Staff Reporter Willie Wanker
BUZZARDBAIT, KY - A 7-year-old boy, wearing his Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, stole his mother's car and drove it 20 miles, hitting speeds of 50 mph, before he was stopped by authorities. Police made one attempt to pull the boy over, but the child kept on driving.
Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police set up a dragnet and when the boy kept going, Buzzardbait Police shot the car's tires out (a total of 637 shots were fired at the car) as the boy drove on, relentless in his quest. Once the car was stopped, police drug the tearful boy out of the car, cuffed him and hauled his criminal arse in.
"I wanna see my daddy!" The boy cried.
Detective Inspector replied, "Kid, where you're going, you'll be lucky to see him on visitation days!"
The kid (his name is not given for privacy reasons, but his name is Billy for those of you who already know) was thrown into the slammer for car theft. The mother, Karen Hickiebottom, who had been working the night shift, was jailed for child neglect for sleeping while the child was stealing her car. The father, Earl Hickiebottom, who had no idea any of this was happening, was jailed for influencing a minor to steal.
Judge Ima 'Hangem' High set bond for the family at $23 gazillion dollars. Karen Hickiebottom has already lost her job due to the incident, and the father is going to lose his home because of it. As for the boy, he'll probably never get to see his friends again as he was placed in a maximum security prison for pre-teen offenders. The boy has a possibility of parole when he's 55.
"I want to set a precedent here," the judge said while rendering her verdict. "I want to show the people of Buzzardbait that justice will be served, and people will pay, and pay dearly, for breaking the law!"
Later in court, convicted serial murderer Sid 'Chainsaw" McGee was allowed to walk out of the court a free man when his lawyer got him off on a single jaywalking charge instead of 38 counts of murder.
The judge refused to comment on that case.
Japanese Scientist Creates Fecal Fillets
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Would you eat a Poop Burger? How about a Shit Steak? Or perhaps Dung Kabobs?
Well, a noted Japanese scientist, Mitsuyuki Ikeda, thinks people one day will. Tucked away in his Okayama Laboratory, this scientist thinks that eating human waste is fine. "That's perfectly good protein you're sending out to the sewers," Says Ikeda. "One day, while sitting on the crapper, I thought of a way to extract it, mix it with steak sauce and create a fecal fillet."
Uh, will we call this stuff Soylent Brown?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=u1N6QfuIh0g
So, we at The Curious Urinal decided to take this story and run with it. The following is an ad we'll probably see in the not so distant future.
Hey mom, tired of toiling in a hot kitchen to make the family meals? Hey dad, tired of slaving over the bar-b-que pit to show your family how much you care?
Then come to McPoopers.
Try the Turd Burger. Two all poo patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.
Or the Quarter Crapper. A full quarter pound of poo glopped on a sourdough bun. Add cheese and some secret sauce and you have a meal!
Or are you really hungry?
Try the new Shit Sandwich. A full pound of steaming excrement, loaded with tomatoes, onions, and a liberal supply of secret sauce, piled on a hoagie bun.
Don't forget the Fecal Fries and the Sludge Shakes. And save room for desert... How about some Fudge Logs (with corn chunks) or Chocolate Crap Cakes? Yum Yum!
But don't take our word for it, listen to actual testimonials from our customers.
"Sir, what do you think about your burger?"
"This burger tastes like shit!"
"Thank you!"
"Hey, what's this white stuff?"
"That's fiber!"
"It looks like little pieces of used toilet paper to me."
"Exactly! That's where the fiber comes from. We sell only the healthiest shit burgers!"
So come on down to McPoopers and walk away with a shit-eating grin...
Again and again!
