The Curious Urinal Interview:
Arnold Schwarzenegger
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
It was Monday when the official news came of the separation of former mega-movie star and former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver. So, hopping a plane to Los Angeles, this reporter got the interview of a lifetime with the Governator himself.
CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today, Governor Schwarzenegger.
AS: No problemo. And call me Ah-nold.
CU: I'll get right down to it, Ah-nold. This past Monday, it was revealed that you and your lovely wife, Maria, were separating after 25 years of wedded bliss. What can you tell us about that?
AS: (Wiping a stray tear from his face) MARIA! OH GOD! Why did you leave me?
CU: So, it was Mrs. Schwarzenegger who actually left you?
AS: MARIA! Whatever I did, I'm sorry! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
CU: Here you go. (Handing the Governator my handkerchief)
AS: (Blowing his nose, then handing me the soiled handkerchief back) Thanks. And don't call her Mrs. Schwarzenegger. She hated that name. She said she couldn't even spell it. Funny though, she never had a problem writing all those checks for jewelry and cars, using my name and money to get them.
CU: That sucks! And you can keep the handkerchief. I have more.
AS: Okay. Thanks.
CU: Are you okay?
AH: I was thinking about my wife (Fighting back tears again).
CU: Yes, your beautiful wife.
AH: That rotten broad! She left me because I wasn't governor anymore! MARIA! You broke my heart! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
CU: (Feeling a bit uncomfortable) Well, let's change the subject, shall we. You are working on a couple of movie deals now that you have left the governor's mansion. Can you tell us about those movies?
AS: (Perking up) Well, I'll be starring in a movie called 'Cry Macho' where I'll be stretching my acting chops, showing my softer side. I don't get to blow up anything in that one, but that's okay.
CU: Great. What else is on the horizon?
AS: I'll be back (chuckling at his little joke) as the Terminator in another installment of the popular movie franchise. I'll play the T-1000 again, blowing stuff up and otherwise looking good for my fans!
CU: Excuse me for saying so, but aren't you a little old to play those macho roles? I understand that you would need extensive preparation to play that particular role, as your once buff body is now bloated and flabby.
AS: Ah, I see you have seen the tabloid shot of me in my swimming trunks. I was actually wearing body armor made to look like human flesh, so my normally perfect body was hidden inside the flabby-looking body armor. No problemo.
CU: I see.
AS: And regardless of what the critics say, I am not too old to be playing the macho roles, as I am still Ah-nold 'The Governator' Schwarzenegger. I can still bench press the likes of Stalone and curl fifty reps of someone like you with relative ease.
CU: Well, let's don't and say we did.
AS: (Leaning forward quickly) I have a joke for you.
CU: (Sitting back quickly) Really? Go for it.
AH: Okay, here goes... A cannibal was walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant operated by another cannibal. Feeling a little hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. It read: Tourist: $8.00, Broiled Missionary: $10.00, Fried Explorer: $12.50 and Baked Politicians: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all damned day."
CU: (Laughing) Good one.
AS: I could tell you more, but I have to go pump some iron before I go to the studio to start making blockbuster movies again.
CU: Yes, I think that would be a good thing. And I hope you get over Maria.
AS: (Sniffling again) Aaaaaaggggghhhhh. MARIA! I love you, baby! Why did you leave me? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
