The Curious Urinal Friday 3/4/2011
Celebs Battle for Top Spot in Hollywood's Baddest List.
Christina Aguilera is drunk in public.
Lindsey Lohan may face jail time for stolen necklace.
Charlie Sheen is losing his mind before millions.
These are some of the top contenders for the 2011 Hollywood's Baddest List, complied by The Curious Urinal.
Last year, Mel Gibson was odds on favorite and won the title, but this year - with the competition brewing - it is anyone's title to have.
The 2000 winner, Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, remembers fondly winning the first annual award. "I was drinking banana daiquiris and tossing poo at people on the street from the sunroof of a limo. I was a mess. Thank God I straightened out my life, otherwise I might be working carnivals or something dreadful like that." Stinky smiled and sipped a non-alcoholic banana daiquiri. "Honestly, these Hollywood stars today are spoil brats and don't deserve the limelight. They need to be waiting tables or shoveling elephant cages. They don't deserve the fame or fortune if they are so self-destructive."
2007 winner O.J. Simpson (currently a resident of the Nevada Penal System) spoke to us on the phone, where he said, "Sheen is a has-been. Lohan and Aguilera are no-talents that will end up doing porno." When asked about his situation, The Juice replied, "Man, I'm innocent! It's a shame a talent like myself is stuck here! I was framed!"
Even though the year isn't even a third over, the top three spots so far seems like a lock... For now. The year is still young.
In Local News
Just when the residents of Buzzardbait thought it was safe to begin planning their summer vacations, gas prices shot up. Disgruntled citizens now complain that the government is to blame for the sharp rise in fuel prices.
Take Oliver Closoff. He is the Ammo County Road Commissioner. He was pumping gas into his 1983 F-150 and saw me coming out of the Speedy Mart, carrying a lottery ticket and a 128 oz. Big Gulper of Sudge Cola. He waved me over and said, "You tell your readers that Ammo County wants lower gas prices, and if the government doesn't do something about it, America will just stop driving!"
I asked, "Aren't you part of the government?"
His terse reply was, "The Federal Government! You tell that so-called president that he'd better let them drill everywhere, otherwise this country will be bankrupt and owned by them Chinese people!"
That perked up Sven Jorgensen, owner of Sven Jorgensen's Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet, who was across the pumps from us. He peered around the pump and said, "This gas business is bad for business! No one's a coming to the restaurant, and I just got in three-thousand pounds of Crawfish in tobacco-flavored cumquat juice. if no one comes in to eat that, then I'll loss my..
"Asinine! That's what it is!" Shouted Al "Big Al" Porkmeister, owner of Big Al's Titty Emporium. "My business is suffering! I had to let three of my girls go and shorten my hours in order to keep the place open. This economy sucks! And now the gas is skyrocketing. Thanks to that bunch of trained monkeys in Washington. Someone out to throw them into a rocket and blast them into space. Let the aliens deal with em!"
And there were so many people that swarmed around by this point that the clerk in Speedy's Mart called police to the scene.
Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, swaggered out of his police car and came forward, insisting that we break up the riot. When asked, Dect. Inspector issued a statement, saying, "I have nothing to say at this time!"
It sounds like he has a future in politics.
