THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Friday 10/22/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview -
Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.
We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.
CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.
WJC: My pleasure.
BHO: Any time.
GWB: Always good to speak to the press.
CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?
BHO: I assume you are talking to me?
CU: Yes.
BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.
CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?
BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?
WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.
BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...
GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?
BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.
CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.
BHO: Bill?
WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)
GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the man’s question.
BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.
WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!
CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?
WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!
GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!
WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!
(laughter)
CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?
BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.
WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.
GWB: Why’s that?
WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!
(laughter)
CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.
(laughter between the presidents continues)
GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.
BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!
GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?
WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.
(laughter between Clinton and Bush)
CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?
GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!
WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!
BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!
GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.
WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.
BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...
GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!
WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.
CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?
GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.
BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.
GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!
BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.
GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?
WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!
(laughter between the presidents)
CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?
BHO: Mine!
WJC: Mine!
GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!
WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!
(laughter between Bush and Clinton)
BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...
WJC and GWB: The previous administration!
GWB: You sound like a broken record!
WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!
GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?
BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!
GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!
CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?
BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.
WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.
GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.
CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?
WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!
BHO: Good answer!
GWB: Yeah, what they said!
A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/21/2010
BUZZARDBAIT DRAGNET
The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).
This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)
There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.
It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.
Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!
Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.
Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.
We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it. Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately. As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.
Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"
Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?
Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?
Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.
Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?
Alien: I know not where this person is. I thought this place abandoned, it was.
Tuesday: So, what brings you here?
Alien: The ship (he giggled). See it, can you not? Hmmm?
Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?
Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.
Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?
Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?
Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?
Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though (giggling again).
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light dancing on his hair made it appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.
Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.
Alien: Ask why, might I?
Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.
Alien: Meaning?
Investigator: Illegal alien status.
After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.
Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me (again with the annoying giggles). This light, help my tan, it will!
Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?
Alien: Depends it does.
Tuesday: You're in Depends?
Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?
Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...
Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?
Alien: Huh?
Investigator: Just answer the questions!
Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?
Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!
Investigator: Coffee?
Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?
Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.
Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.
Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.
Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.
Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?
Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!
Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?
Alien: Chubacca.
Investigator: No, I smoke!
Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!
Investigator: Where do you come from?
Alien: A galaxy far, far away.
Investigator: Where?
Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!
Investigator: And you came here for work?
Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!
Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?
Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (more giggling)
Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?
Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become!
Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?
Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!
That was when Tuesday entered the room.
Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.
Investigator: It couldn't be helped.
Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?
Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.
I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.
Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?
Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the gooseflesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.
Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!
Tuesday: What are you charging him with?
Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!
Alien: Mean what does that?
Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!
Alien: And a crime that is?
Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!
Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!
(Duh da duh duh)
Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!
(Dum da dum dum dummmmm)
BUZZARDBAIT DRAGNET
The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).
This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)
There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.
It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.
Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!
Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.
Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.
We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it. Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately. As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.
Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"
Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?
Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?
Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.
Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?
Alien: I know not where this person is. I thought this place abandoned, it was.
Tuesday: So, what brings you here?
Alien: The ship (he giggled). See it, can you not? Hmmm?
Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?
Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.
Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?
Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?
Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?
Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though (giggling again).
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light dancing on his hair made it appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.
Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.
Alien: Ask why, might I?
Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.
Alien: Meaning?
Investigator: Illegal alien status.
After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.
Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me (again with the annoying giggles). This light, help my tan, it will!
Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?
Alien: Depends it does.
Tuesday: You're in Depends?
Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?
Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...
Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?
Alien: Huh?
Investigator: Just answer the questions!
Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?
Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!
Investigator: Coffee?
Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?
Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.
Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.
Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.
Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.
Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?
Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!
Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?
Alien: Chubacca.
Investigator: No, I smoke!
Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!
Investigator: Where do you come from?
Alien: A galaxy far, far away.
Investigator: Where?
Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!
Investigator: And you came here for work?
Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!
Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?
Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (more giggling)
Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?
Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become!
Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?
Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!
That was when Tuesday entered the room.
Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.
Investigator: It couldn't be helped.
Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?
Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.
I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.
Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?
Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?
I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the gooseflesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.
Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!
Tuesday: What are you charging him with?
Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!
Alien: Mean what does that?
Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!
Alien: And a crime that is?
Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!
Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!
(Duh da duh duh)
Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!
(Dum da dum dum dummmmm)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/20/2010
I have to tell you a story. It's not a pretty story, but it's mostly true. The names have been changed to protect my ass from any future law suits.
Talk about being at the right place at the wrong time. A lady friend and I decided to stop in for Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub. Seeing most every Saturday night is a busy night there, we decided to play a few games of pool and then we'd vacate the place before the singing got really God-Awful. As we walked inside the place, we took note that it was a packed house. At least thirty or so patrons were huddled around the bar, seated at the tables, or just passing the time shooting some pool and taking in the karaoke singing (some people actually enjoy that). And all of them were drinking beer. A typical Saturday night in Buzzardbait.
Saturday Night Karaoke is a weekly event that's sponsored by Schitts Beer (locally brewed and bottled). It's usually a fun time. There you'll find drunk men in ball caps, dancing with themselves as they urinate in their grease-covered jeans. And then there are the drunk women, dressed in their finest tee shirts or tube tops, getting up in front of the drunken crowd, singing (or attempting to anyway) in hopes of getting one of the dancing drunk, piss-soaked men to notice them.
Every week since it started, the contest has been won by Thelma Buktoof of Poon Point. She's actually a decent singer, especially when the crowd is drunk. Thelma normally gives a great rendition of Tammy Whynott's 'Slip It Past Your Man' or Loretta Lenski's 'Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Tuna On Your Breath.' But this past Saturday night, her choice of songs left the crowd a teensy bit bewildered. She chose to sing a 'Stung' song from the Cops last album, Zenbutta Yo Mudda, entitled: 'I'll Be Stalking You!'
The song itself wasn't too bad, but since Mrs. Buktoof has deeply inset bug eyes, she resembled a rabid squirrel in heat as she sang. And her vocal talents were not up to snuff that night, as her voice was ravaged by too much beer and nicotine. As the song went on, several of the drunk men began projectile vomiting on the dance floor. And if that wasn't bad enough, the women began throwing beer bottles toward the chicken wire partition (ala the first Blues Brothers Movie).
Aside for having to dodge some stray glass and the occasional cornchunks, my friend and I continued playing some 9 ball and tried to ignore the ruckus. The sickening sweet aroma of regurgitated beer and pork rinds would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but since my allergies were acting up, it didn't bother me as much as you'd think.
The bottle tossing soon turned into boos and hisses from the women... And that was when the real trouble started. A fight quickly ensued.
Phillip Douschbagger, the owner of the Buzzardbait Pool Hall portion of the business, was hunched over the counter, vomiting violently as the melee began. And that was when his wife, Vickie Douschbagger (owner of the pub side of the business) decided to repeatedly hit him in the head with a broken Schitts Beer bottle (I'm not sure if it was broken when she started hitting him, but is was thereafter). Phillips sister, Debbie, saw this and came to her brother's rescue. She took a pool cue and rammed it up her sister-in-laws rectum (as Vickie Douschbagger was dressed in a short skirt at the time) as she was bent over her husband (now heaped on the floor in a puddle of his own bile). Up until then,Vickie had been screaming at her husband about his affair with Erma Clappgiver. Ms. Clappgiver was, at that exact moment, across the room... Beating another woman in the head with a chair. Due to the amount of blood on the woman's face, I did not recognize her at first. It was later that I realized it was Vonda Lukatmytush, a first grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School.
Meanwhile, Ivana Jercoff (Operations Manager of the Buzzardbait Zoo), who had just finished her turn at the mic minutes before (and who sang a pretty decent rendition of Georgie Johansens song 'The Trouble With You Is You Suck!') was being assaulted by Emily Closoff, the wife of County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff. She was accusing Ms. Jercoff of having an affair with her husband. In the meantime, Oliver Closoff was being cornered by Jack Midick, who accused him of having an affair with Mrs, Midick, also known as Tangy Thunderthighs, a dancer at Big Al's Titty Emporium.
By this time, my friend and I were looking at the various fights and wondering if we should leave and not pay the bill, or just sit quietly by and have another beer while continuing to dodge pool cues, beer mugs and ash trays (that were being tossed wildly across the room). We chose to stay. Where was the fun in leaving all of this entertainment? I suggested to my friend that I'd go get us another round and I somehow managed to cross the room, reach into the beer cooler and grabbed a couple of cold Schitts beers. When I returned to my friend, she had some woman in a headlock, punching her in the face repeatedly. Needless to say, I sat in a chair and held onto her beer while I drank mine.
It wasn't thirty seconds later when I spotted Roscoe Harritung heading toward me. Apparently he saw that I was the only person not involved in the melee and came toward me with a mic stand. I suppose he was feeling left out, or thought that I was (I'm not sure which). As he approached me, I guzzled the rest of my beer and broke the bottle on the side of a nearby pool table. As I ducked the oncoming mic stand he had just swung at my head, I jammed the broken bottle into his groin. This made him drop the mic stand and grab himself (much like Michael Jackson's famous crotch grab at the Motown Awards). Only the sound coming from Mr. Harritung was not like the sound that Mr. Jackson would have made (Ohhh whooo). It was more like the sound a humpback whale makes when harpooned in the gonads (Aroooooooooo).
Seeing how my friend was now banging the woman's head against the concrete block wall, I sat back in my chair and open the second beer and enjoyed its smooth, mellow taste.
By this time, there were at least fifteen different fights taking place inside the pub and pool hall. The green felt on several of the pool tables were now covered with bodies, blood and/or vomit. I decided that I had seen enough and called 911 to complain that I couldn't play pool due to all the fighting going on. The police dispatcher told me that she'd have someone there before long. After that call, I made a call to order a pizza from Papa Fred's Pizzeria and Nail Salon, located down on 4th and Main. Believe me, they have the best greasy pizza this side of Hooter Heights!
The driver was there in less than fifteen minutes and I met him at the door. Paying the delivery guy (with a dollar tip to boot), I found a nice secluded spot and ate my pepperoni and banana pepper pizza while my friend was using a pool rack to beat the woman in the head. I turned my attention then to some guy across the room (his yelling compelled me to do so). He was getting his ass kicked by two different women. One was kicking his ass for apparently vomiting on her shoes while the other woman whipped him in the head for no apparent reason.
Thirty minutes later the Buzzardbait Police finally arrived. But by this time, most of the pool hall patrons had spilled-out into the parking lot; many brandishing pool cues and billiard balls. They were fighting one another in a display of carnage not seen since the World Wrestling Corporation's (WWC) Imgwotta 'Big' Johnson bungholed Henry 'The Giant Midget' Hernandez in a cage match that ended in a draw and a same-sex marriage.
The thirty or so patrons of the pool hall were rounded-up and transported to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor to await their bail hearing. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police told me that none of the patrons involved in the melee would spend more that a day in jail before their bails would be set. “Judge Hugh Harshly will make justice move swiftly and bring much needed revenue to the city in the process!” Detective Inspector told me.
After that, I drove home and went to bed with a full belly and a buzz from the Schitts Beers. When I woke up Sunday morning, I drove to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor, where I arranged bail for my friend and got her out of there. Since she never got to have any pizza the night before, I took her to Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes for breakfast (If you ever go there, try the triple-stack chocolate chip pancakes with maple syrup and whipped cream... Yummy!).
When my friend asked me how I came up with the bail money so fast, I told her that since Detective Inspector happened to be my neighbor, he cut me a deal on her bail. I now owe him two lawn mowings and a wax job on his car. I also informed her that she would not be going before the judge. Judge Hugh Harshly is also a neighbor, and he owed me a favor. A few weeks ago I told his wife that he was in a meeting when he was actually meeting some woman from Pooter Park concerning... Anyway, now we're even.
When I finally asked my friend why she had gotten into a fight in the first place, she said the woman had called her a “Farmtown Ho!” Well, I suppose that's a good enough reason.
Well, that's the story.
Oh. I almost forgot... As for Thelma Buktoof, she is being charged with inciting a riot - a felony - and will be held in Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor until her court case comes up sometime in June.
Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub will never be the same again.
P.S. I have just found out that 'I'll Be Stalking You!' will no longer be on the play list for karaoke night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.
I have to tell you a story. It's not a pretty story, but it's mostly true. The names have been changed to protect my ass from any future law suits.
Talk about being at the right place at the wrong time. A lady friend and I decided to stop in for Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub. Seeing most every Saturday night is a busy night there, we decided to play a few games of pool and then we'd vacate the place before the singing got really God-Awful. As we walked inside the place, we took note that it was a packed house. At least thirty or so patrons were huddled around the bar, seated at the tables, or just passing the time shooting some pool and taking in the karaoke singing (some people actually enjoy that). And all of them were drinking beer. A typical Saturday night in Buzzardbait.
Saturday Night Karaoke is a weekly event that's sponsored by Schitts Beer (locally brewed and bottled). It's usually a fun time. There you'll find drunk men in ball caps, dancing with themselves as they urinate in their grease-covered jeans. And then there are the drunk women, dressed in their finest tee shirts or tube tops, getting up in front of the drunken crowd, singing (or attempting to anyway) in hopes of getting one of the dancing drunk, piss-soaked men to notice them.
Every week since it started, the contest has been won by Thelma Buktoof of Poon Point. She's actually a decent singer, especially when the crowd is drunk. Thelma normally gives a great rendition of Tammy Whynott's 'Slip It Past Your Man' or Loretta Lenski's 'Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Tuna On Your Breath.' But this past Saturday night, her choice of songs left the crowd a teensy bit bewildered. She chose to sing a 'Stung' song from the Cops last album, Zenbutta Yo Mudda, entitled: 'I'll Be Stalking You!'
The song itself wasn't too bad, but since Mrs. Buktoof has deeply inset bug eyes, she resembled a rabid squirrel in heat as she sang. And her vocal talents were not up to snuff that night, as her voice was ravaged by too much beer and nicotine. As the song went on, several of the drunk men began projectile vomiting on the dance floor. And if that wasn't bad enough, the women began throwing beer bottles toward the chicken wire partition (ala the first Blues Brothers Movie).
Aside for having to dodge some stray glass and the occasional cornchunks, my friend and I continued playing some 9 ball and tried to ignore the ruckus. The sickening sweet aroma of regurgitated beer and pork rinds would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, but since my allergies were acting up, it didn't bother me as much as you'd think.
The bottle tossing soon turned into boos and hisses from the women... And that was when the real trouble started. A fight quickly ensued.
Phillip Douschbagger, the owner of the Buzzardbait Pool Hall portion of the business, was hunched over the counter, vomiting violently as the melee began. And that was when his wife, Vickie Douschbagger (owner of the pub side of the business) decided to repeatedly hit him in the head with a broken Schitts Beer bottle (I'm not sure if it was broken when she started hitting him, but is was thereafter). Phillips sister, Debbie, saw this and came to her brother's rescue. She took a pool cue and rammed it up her sister-in-laws rectum (as Vickie Douschbagger was dressed in a short skirt at the time) as she was bent over her husband (now heaped on the floor in a puddle of his own bile). Up until then,Vickie had been screaming at her husband about his affair with Erma Clappgiver. Ms. Clappgiver was, at that exact moment, across the room... Beating another woman in the head with a chair. Due to the amount of blood on the woman's face, I did not recognize her at first. It was later that I realized it was Vonda Lukatmytush, a first grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School.
Meanwhile, Ivana Jercoff (Operations Manager of the Buzzardbait Zoo), who had just finished her turn at the mic minutes before (and who sang a pretty decent rendition of Georgie Johansens song 'The Trouble With You Is You Suck!') was being assaulted by Emily Closoff, the wife of County Road Commissioner, Oliver Closoff. She was accusing Ms. Jercoff of having an affair with her husband. In the meantime, Oliver Closoff was being cornered by Jack Midick, who accused him of having an affair with Mrs, Midick, also known as Tangy Thunderthighs, a dancer at Big Al's Titty Emporium.
By this time, my friend and I were looking at the various fights and wondering if we should leave and not pay the bill, or just sit quietly by and have another beer while continuing to dodge pool cues, beer mugs and ash trays (that were being tossed wildly across the room). We chose to stay. Where was the fun in leaving all of this entertainment? I suggested to my friend that I'd go get us another round and I somehow managed to cross the room, reach into the beer cooler and grabbed a couple of cold Schitts beers. When I returned to my friend, she had some woman in a headlock, punching her in the face repeatedly. Needless to say, I sat in a chair and held onto her beer while I drank mine.
It wasn't thirty seconds later when I spotted Roscoe Harritung heading toward me. Apparently he saw that I was the only person not involved in the melee and came toward me with a mic stand. I suppose he was feeling left out, or thought that I was (I'm not sure which). As he approached me, I guzzled the rest of my beer and broke the bottle on the side of a nearby pool table. As I ducked the oncoming mic stand he had just swung at my head, I jammed the broken bottle into his groin. This made him drop the mic stand and grab himself (much like Michael Jackson's famous crotch grab at the Motown Awards). Only the sound coming from Mr. Harritung was not like the sound that Mr. Jackson would have made (Ohhh whooo). It was more like the sound a humpback whale makes when harpooned in the gonads (Aroooooooooo).
Seeing how my friend was now banging the woman's head against the concrete block wall, I sat back in my chair and open the second beer and enjoyed its smooth, mellow taste.
By this time, there were at least fifteen different fights taking place inside the pub and pool hall. The green felt on several of the pool tables were now covered with bodies, blood and/or vomit. I decided that I had seen enough and called 911 to complain that I couldn't play pool due to all the fighting going on. The police dispatcher told me that she'd have someone there before long. After that call, I made a call to order a pizza from Papa Fred's Pizzeria and Nail Salon, located down on 4th and Main. Believe me, they have the best greasy pizza this side of Hooter Heights!
The driver was there in less than fifteen minutes and I met him at the door. Paying the delivery guy (with a dollar tip to boot), I found a nice secluded spot and ate my pepperoni and banana pepper pizza while my friend was using a pool rack to beat the woman in the head. I turned my attention then to some guy across the room (his yelling compelled me to do so). He was getting his ass kicked by two different women. One was kicking his ass for apparently vomiting on her shoes while the other woman whipped him in the head for no apparent reason.
Thirty minutes later the Buzzardbait Police finally arrived. But by this time, most of the pool hall patrons had spilled-out into the parking lot; many brandishing pool cues and billiard balls. They were fighting one another in a display of carnage not seen since the World Wrestling Corporation's (WWC) Imgwotta 'Big' Johnson bungholed Henry 'The Giant Midget' Hernandez in a cage match that ended in a draw and a same-sex marriage.
The thirty or so patrons of the pool hall were rounded-up and transported to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor to await their bail hearing. Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police told me that none of the patrons involved in the melee would spend more that a day in jail before their bails would be set. “Judge Hugh Harshly will make justice move swiftly and bring much needed revenue to the city in the process!” Detective Inspector told me.
After that, I drove home and went to bed with a full belly and a buzz from the Schitts Beers. When I woke up Sunday morning, I drove to the Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor, where I arranged bail for my friend and got her out of there. Since she never got to have any pizza the night before, I took her to Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes for breakfast (If you ever go there, try the triple-stack chocolate chip pancakes with maple syrup and whipped cream... Yummy!).
When my friend asked me how I came up with the bail money so fast, I told her that since Detective Inspector happened to be my neighbor, he cut me a deal on her bail. I now owe him two lawn mowings and a wax job on his car. I also informed her that she would not be going before the judge. Judge Hugh Harshly is also a neighbor, and he owed me a favor. A few weeks ago I told his wife that he was in a meeting when he was actually meeting some woman from Pooter Park concerning... Anyway, now we're even.
When I finally asked my friend why she had gotten into a fight in the first place, she said the woman had called her a “Farmtown Ho!” Well, I suppose that's a good enough reason.
Well, that's the story.
Oh. I almost forgot... As for Thelma Buktoof, she is being charged with inciting a riot - a felony - and will be held in Buzzardbait Jail and Massage Parlor until her court case comes up sometime in June.
Karaoke Night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub will never be the same again.
P.S. I have just found out that 'I'll Be Stalking You!' will no longer be on the play list for karaoke night at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/19/2010
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Local Store Adds New Items
From the first visit I made to this store as a child, I can tell you a lot of things have changed over the years. Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has seen plenty of changes in its 85 years in business, but the changes to the store lately have concerned many older customers. The sign in the window stated: Under New Management. So I assume that the old management retired to sunny Florida, or the Buzzardbait Elderly Dykes Home.
Normally, when I head into the store, I'm there for a specific reason. When I was a kid, it was comic books (Captain CaCa and his Transgendered Friends; Spidery-Guy; The Flasher, The Green Horny, etc,) and of course, the candy. But as an adult, my needs have changed. I now go there for deodorant and shaving cream, aspirin and sodas. But this last visit to the store made me actually stop and look for a change. My ordinary 5 minute trip inside took two hours and several hundred dollars.
I found the items I needed first, I had a pack of disposable razors, a couple of two-liters of Diet Sludge Cola, and a fresh can of Skank-Off Deodorant. But as I was heading to the check-out counter, I began noticing some new items adorning the shelves.
First, there were 'personal massagers.' Advertised as Quiet and Powerful, they came in a wide array of colors, shapes and sizes. Most were rechargeable and lightweight. There were long ones, short ones ('Bullets') and even one that lit-up and played music (Borello, I think).
If you happen to be into feet, there’s the Famous Freddie's Foot Spa (I'm not sure who Famous Freddie is, but the picture on the box looks like some 70's porn star with thick curly black hair and a moustache that could double as a barnacle scraper), and also the multi-head foot massager (four heads for you and your partner I suppose?). Or if you want to massage other parts of your body, you can find the Magic Five-Speed Massager. I read the package and saw that is was powered by a five speed Briggs and Straton Chainsaw engine. Woo Hoo! I spotted one massager that comes with a body warmer, and a few of them had some interesting bumps strategically placed on them. And there was one called the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder. WOW! This is not your mothers back massager!
From there, I sauntered down the lotion aisle. There were all sorts of lotions on the shelves. From the 'Travel Size' massage oils (in scents like Martian Moonlight, Malibu Marsh, and Lindsey Lowhand's Under-leg Special). I have no idea what any of those things smell like as I resisted the urge to check them out (although the Lindsey Lowhand one did peak my curiosity). Then it was onto the economy-size jugs of lotions. A liter bottle of lotion I spotted was called Coconut Cascade. After reading the bottle, it said to pour a liberal portion onto any area for instant arousal. Wow wee!
And then there are the lubricants. There were the warming kind, the tingling kind, the soothing kind, and one that was called Galactoglide, for anal use only. Galactoglide? Sounds like an Asteroid cream to me. I wonder if that should be used with the Cosmoglide Anal Intruder? Also, I didn't know these lubricants came in flavors. I saw flavors like pina colada,blueberry, cherry and watermelon. I didn’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell or taste good, but I suppose there are things in this life I am yet to be aware of.
From there I spotted something called Intimacy Gels. There was Strawberry, Orange, Lemon (that will put some pucker in you!) and my personal favorite: Chocolate. The Intimacy Gels come in regular and sugar-free. Hmm? Good sex should not lead to a trip to the dentist because of tooth decay, nor should it pack on the pounds just because you used too much.
And then there is the condom selection. Now I remember as a teenager feeling embarrassed as I attempted to by some cheap TroJoe Condoms. But now, there are as many varieties of condoms as the personal massagers. I saw ribbed and twisted, tropical-flavored (flavored condoms? Yuck!), studded, bumped, lumped and OMG style. I'm not sure what the OMG style really is, but I'm sure if I saw it, I'd go WTF? There were pink ones (maybe for Breast Cancer Awareness?), red ones, green ones, purple, blue, zebra-striped and polka-dotted ones too. And I saw one that had a vibrating ring (Maybe it was an OMG reject?).
Further down the aisle I saw that they even had handcuffs (the fuzzy and non-fuzzy kind), several brands of soft rope, hot waxes and my personal favorite, digital camcorders and tripods. Obviously to record your activities, whereas you'll be able to show the grand kids sometime in the future what Grandma and Grandpa did for fun back in the good old days.
And nothing says romance like candles. There were at least 6,000 candles on the shelves with fragrances such as Indian Moondance, Night on Wicked Mountain, and my personal favorite, Beach Bungho. Light enough of these candles around your bedroom for mood lighting and you'll run the risk of catching your house on fire from the added heat during sex. Kinky!
And just in case you get carried away with your nocturnal fun, they also have an entire shelf of various braces, stabilizers, hot and cold packs, muscle relaxers and pain creams for those sore spots the following morning.
Needless to say, the Buzzardbait General Store and Diner has changed a great deal since I was a kid. After $453.97 in purchases, I feel like a kid again. Of course, my lady friend has yet to see the stuff I bought. Boy, is she gonna be surprised!
As for the older customers who were looking at me like I was some pervert, you old women need to lighten up and buy some of this stuff to use on your husbands. Maybe they would spend more time at home and less time at Big Al's Titty Emporium!
And in Sporting News:
Local Sports Team Seeks Name Change
The Beaver Lick Youth Sports Counsel has asked for parents to be aware of a petition going around, asking them to help change the name of one of the high school teams. Currently the Beaver Lick All-Girls High School sports teams are named the Lady Lickers, with their mascot being a very large tongue. The Beaver Lick Sports Counsel is asking for the name to be changed to the Carpetmunchers, and in turn, changing the mascot to Lindsey Lohan.
The All Boys High School is currently not seeking a name change or a new mascot. They wish to remain known as the Lickers.
And now a message from one of our sponsors:
When you have a mighty thirst for something exotic, take Milo Days advice. Nothing tastes like Dingleberry Wine. It's the wine for non-discriminatory drinkers. And comes in quarts, gallons, or the convenient keg. And Dingleberry Wine is inexpensive too, making it affordable for the everyone, from the businessman, musician, or professional wino.
And Dingleberry Wine comes in four delicious flavors: Strawberry, Apple, Grape, and Chocolate.
Dingleberry Wine is hand-squeezed from fresh dingleberries, grown right here in Buzzardbait, KY.
So remember, if it ain't Dingleberry Wine, it ain't Schitt!
Disclaimer:
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been proven to make one drunk after two or three bottles. Dingleberry's Wine has been compared to that of a diseased Yak's ass being drug through water after a flood. Dingleberry Wine contains one or more of the following ingrediants: Aspertame, Sodium Vibrofoam, Benzoate, Corpsedia, Phenyketonurics, small undigested pieces of putrid meat, wads of partially used toilet paper, Corn Chunks and Artificial Coloring and flavorings.
The consumption of Dingleberry Wine has been deemed hazardous to your health. The following can and will more than likely occur: Blurred vision; Erratic behavior; Mood swings; Memory loss; Hallucinations; Projectile vomiting; Explosive diarrhea; Loss of all motor control; Convulsions; Blood in the stool, on the couch and/or recliner; Hairy Tongue Syndrome (HTS); Complete and sudden death and dry mouth. Not to mention a really shitty aftertaste.
And a reminder: Never drink and drive, operate heavy equipment, nor attempt to operate on another human being without the aid of a medical professional. Remember to drink responsibly and never, ever stop drinking Dingleberry Wine, no matter what these twerps have told you!
Monday, October 18, 2010
THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Monday 10/18/2010
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
.jpg)
Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
THIS WEEK IN MUSIC...
A sampling of some of the CD's hitting the Buzzardbait Music store this week.
The Baddest Blues-man from Buzzardbait is at it again. Milo Days just released his 57th album in 10 years, entitled: This is da Blues, Baby! It consist of 18 tracks that are guaranteed to have you drinkin' and bluesin' just like old Milo. The title song, This is da Blues, Baby is probably the best Milo has done since his first CD, I gots Dem I needs Sum Money Blues!
.jpg)
Also new in stores this week Is Lil Pimperoo's debut CD, Bitches and Hocakes. For those of you who like your music Hip-hopped, this will fill the bill. The title song, Bitches and Hocakes is good, but the second track, Let's Butcher Whitey and Feed him to da Dawgs is pure Lil Pimperoo!
Country Boys On Dope has released their second CD, The Bar I Grew Up In! This is the follow-up to last year's debut CD, I Missed The Bus. 'The Bar I Grew Up In' is a bittersweet Country song that reminds me of my days in the bar I grew up in. The rest of the CD is pretty much crap, but if you're drinking, you won't notice.
Foreign Models, the Japanese girl band releases their Latest CD called, I Gotta Go NOW! It's a techno-lovers dream, and if you understand Japanese, you might understand the lyrics too!
Justin Biejerk releases his latest pre-teen (Pwetween)CD, Daddy's Little Girls. Honestly, I hated this CD. I thought the entire thing was a waste of valuable time, money and effort. Justin should grow some pubes before trying to sing about crap he has yet to experience!
Just when I thought modern music was dead, someone comes along and proves me right. The Tailgaters, Are you following me? is by far, the worst CD I have even had the displeasure of listening to. All 9 tracks have the same beat, monotonous vocals, and some guy who thinks beating the guitar with a hammer constitutes playing. The record label obviously consists of tone deaf, money-wasting idiots. I predict this one will be on the clearance racks in a week!
Now here's a country artists that knows how to sell a CD. Tammy Whynott's latest, Don't Come Home a Drinkin' With Tuna on Your Breath! is pure country at it's absolute finest. Ms. Whynott's voice is as good as ever. She sounds like a woman who smokes three packs of Camels a day and chugs at least a case of beer before each recording session. A great choice if you're in the market for forgettable music!
And finally, Anita Blojobb's Comedy CD hits the stores this week. The CD, Wrap Your Lips Around This! is about as funny as her last CD, but not as good as her first, which wasn't all that good to begin with. This woman needs to go back into retail and STFU!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)