THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/21/2010

BUZZARDBAIT DRAGNET

The story you're about to read is true (for the most part). The names have been changed to protect the innocent (well, kind of).

This is the city (duh da duh duh) Buzzardbait, Kentucky (duh da duh duh duhhhhhh)

There are a million stories in the half-naked city... This is just one of them. My name is Investigator, and I carry a badge.

It was raining at the top of the page as I was rolling down Fourth and Main, making the turn onto Main and Fourth. My windshield wipers were slapping at the steady staccato of the rain. My partner, Tuesday, was rolling a number and was about to light it up when the call came in. A UFO sighting near the old Fuzzenbusher Farm. I looked to my partner and shook my head.

Investigator: What a night for a UFO sighting!

Tuesday: Sounds like old man Fuzzenbusher is seeing things.

Investigator: And maybe after we smoke that, we will too.

We rolled out to the Fuzzenbusher Farm and noticed right away that little had changed since our last visit. There was the farmhouse, barn, and lots of cows with Uzis. It looked pretty much normal. But that was when we spotted it. Hovering just above the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis was a very large spacecraft. It was all lit up, making the farmhouse, barn and cows with Uzis look like they were in daylight underneath the well lit flying saucer. I stopped the car just beyond the parameter of the craft and stepped out into the rain. My partner, after placing the number in the glove box for later, did the same. We walked underneath the ship and noticed the rain stopped falling on us immediately. As we approached the farmhouse, a beam of light hit the ground. That was when a small, green alien with a gnarled cane appeared before us. He looked around nervously as we approached. My partner and I flashed our badges.

Investigator: I'm Detective Investigator, this is my partner, Tuesday. Mind if we have a word with you?"

Alien: Detective Investigator... An oxymoron that is. Hmm?

Investigator: You calling me names, Mister?

Alien: No, I am not. Speak if you must.

Investigator: Why have you landed on Old Man Fuzzenbushers Farm? In fact, where is Old Man Fuzzenbusher?

Alien: I know not where this person is. I thought this place abandoned, it was.

Tuesday: So, what brings you here?

Alien: The ship (he giggled). See it, can you not? Hmmm?

Investigator: Just the fact, man, Just the facts. What's you name?

Alien: Call me Yoda, you can.

Tuesday: So, Yoda, why have you come here?

Alien: Come to find work, I have. That and Universal Healthcare! Hmm?

Investigator: Do you have a Green Card?

Alien: Green card? Of such, I know not. A Green Meat-Saber I have though (giggling again).

I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The light dancing on his hair made it appear to glow; my heart raced; my manhood... Uh, I decided to take the little alien in.

Investigator: We're going to have to take you down to the station.

Alien: Ask why, might I?

Tuesday: We're booking you on a Ten twenty-three.

Alien: Meaning?

Investigator: Illegal alien status.

After cuffing the little green alien, we escorted him to the car where he meditated the entire ten minute trip back to the station. Once inside the station, out of the rain, we took the alien into the interrogation room. Under the bright lights, he'd sing like a canary.

Alien: La la la la la... Lady Gaga has nothing on me (again with the annoying giggles). This light, help my tan, it will!

Investigator: Where were you on the night of July the second?

Alien: Depends it does.

Tuesday: You're in Depends?

Investigator: Into a little kink and perversion, are you?

Alien: Clear your mind... Remember, the Force surrounds us, binds us...

Tuesday: So you're wearing Depends because you're a little bound-up?

Alien: Huh?

Investigator: Just answer the questions!

Alien: Not been on your planet before, I have. Just work I seek. Maybe something in Avatar II in 4D?

Tuesday: Damned migrant workers! Coming into our country, taking work away from other migrant workers!

Investigator: Coffee?

Alien: Yoda! Remember can you not?

Investigator: Tuesday, go get us some coffee. I need to speak with this alien alone.

Tuesday: Fine! Just don't break the lamp again. You know the chief hates it when you break the lamps.

Investigator: I'll try to restrain myself.

Once Tuesday left the room, I decided to switch tactics. Breaking the lamp, I began a new line of questioning.

Investigator: Where did you steal the ship?

Alien: Stolen it is not. Borrowed from a friend, I did!

Investigator: I bet. Who did you borrow the ship from then?

Alien: Chubacca.

Investigator: No, I smoke!

Alien: Stunt your growth, it will. Look at me!

Investigator: Where do you come from?

Alien: A galaxy far, far away.

Investigator: Where?

Alien: The third galaxy to the left of Hollywood and Vine it is!

Investigator: And you came here for work?

Alien: Tough times, it is. Hard to find work I have found. Unemployment Insurance ran out, it has!

Investigator: I bet. So what kind of work are you looking for?

Alien: Leading man roles. Or Director, may be? I heard rumors of Hulk III. Perfect for the part, I am! Hmm? (more giggling)

Investigator: Right! And you would be doing this in Hollywood?

Alien: Nooooo! Devoid of good, that galaxy is. Shrouded by the Dark Side, it has become!

Investigator: So you came here... To Buzzardbait, to find work?

Alien: Buzzardbait? In Miami, I thought!

That was when Tuesday entered the room.

Tuesday: I see you have broken another lamp.

Investigator: It couldn't be helped.

Tuesday: You know the chief isn't gonna like it. That lamp belonged to his mother. And you know how he is about his mother?

Investigator: Yes, I know. Just hand me the coffee.

I took the coffee cup and withdrew my flask of cheap, rot-gut whiskey. I poured a shot in the coffee and sipped at it. The little alien watched me with those goofy looking eyes of his. I replaced the flask in my back pocket... And that was when the idea hit me.

Investigator: I have one more question for you. Have you had your shots?

Alien: Shots? Of what shots speak do you?

I looked to Tuesday. He looked back at me. The twinkle in his eye and his lovely smile made the gooseflesh crawl all over me. I mouthed 'Later' and returned my gaze toward the alien.

Investigator: Well, I think we can wrap this case up!

Tuesday: What are you charging him with?

Investigator: A Ten twenty-three, a Ten ninety-eight and a Ten sixty-nine!

Alien: Mean what does that?

Investigator: Being an illegal alien with no shots and really bad acting!

Alien: And a crime that is?

Investigator: Here in Buzzardbait, you betcha! And where you're going, you'll get all the work you can handle. You'll be moving rocks and playing Drop the Soap with you cellmate!

Alien: Played that with Mace Windu, I did. Terrible pain I felt. Terrible pain!

(Duh da duh duh)

Yoda, the little green alien, was sentenced in Superior Court on a 10-23, a 10-98 and a 10-69. He is currently serving a life sentence in Buzzardbait Prison and Lawn Care Center. He will be eligible for parole in six weeks!
(Dum da dum dum dummmmm)