SPECIAL EVENING EDITION
It Can Only Happen in California?
Courtesy of KBZZ TV 13 (we're on your side... Unless someone else is winning, then we're on their side).
From Oceanside, CA, California Humane Society officials are trying to discover who duct-taped a bunch of balloons to a turtle, releasing it into the smoggy skies.
Wewik Wong--- a reporter for our sister station KBZZ--- said she and her neighbors found the turtle taped to the green and blue balloons caught atop a eucalyptus tree in Oceanside on Sunday.
Wewik Wong, finding her wok, said that she and her neighbors were going to have some turtle sushi, and stir-fried bean sprouts. But another neighbor, Iva Ruineditforeverybody, said she called the Humane Society and Fire Department. After waiting an hour, the fire department arrived, caught in heavy traffic and stopping several times for bathroom breaks, because somebody had to wee wee a bit too much (we're not naming names or anything, but Curtis Urinatesalot is his name), arrived about an hour later.
When the firefighters were about to rescue the turtle with a ladder truck, a gust of wind came and blew the poor turtle to the ground. Then a semi came through and ran the turtle over, crushing it into the asphalt.
Humane Society officials scraped the remains of the turtle up and buried it in the tomb of the unknown turtle, east of L.A.
Wewik Wong says she was horrified by the animal abuse and plans to have a big old bowl of turtle soup in honor of the fallen tortoise
Holy Copycows!
By staff reporter, Kitty Stroker
In the 'It Can Only Happen in Buzzardbait' Department:
Several children here in Buzzardbait decided to attach helium balloons to Bessie the Cow out at old McLeary's Farm in Poon Point.
The children, conducting an experiment during their science class at Buzzardbait Elementary School, thought it would be interesting to see if the balloons would actually lift a cow. The teacher, Sue-Mi Dippwadd, decided to allow her third grade class (ranging in age from 8-17) to duct tape 3,000 helium balloons to the underside of the cow, causing it to rise into the air and travel 14 miles before being caught in the high voltage wires that hang over County Road 13. The cow, floating over Buzzardbait second busiest road, began dropping cow patties upon County Road 13, causing several accidents as cars slid in the cow poo upon the road.
Along with the various charges the teacher will be facing in court, the fifteen children will be facing charges of animal abuse, attempted murder of a farm animal, misuse of duct tape for scientific studies, and not contacting the FAA to get permission to fly a cow.
The court case is set for November. Each child faces a mandatory 15 years in prison, and the teacher could face up to three years probation.
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
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John McPooper
Owners
