The Curious Urinal Friday 9/24/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview - Dewaine Shoulders
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
It's been a hectic week for the publisher of The Curious Urinal. With endorsements from celebrities and other endorsement deals to promote various businesses, Dewaine Shoulders has been busy.
CU: Hey boss, thanks for sitting down with me today.
DS: No problem, but can we make this kinda fast? I have stuff to do today.
CU: Sure. Okay, let's start with the biggie! Kelsey Grammer via the Right Network posted a YouTube Video about you. How did that make you feel?
DS: I was stoked, actually. And ever since then, things have been crazy.
CU: Tell the readers what's been happening.
DS: Well, first of all, I was offered my own reality show, called: Dewaine Shoulders - A Legend in his Own Mind! And then there was the record company executive that offered me a multi-CD deal for my talents as a rapper.
CU: That's cool!
DS: The problem is I have no clue how to rap! So, I told him that I'd think about that one.
CU: What else?
DS: Schitts Beer offered me an endorsement deal. I drink their beer and they charge me half-price so they can run the ads featuring me drinking their beer. And then Tres Equis made me an offer for a one-time commercial ad featuring moi. And they will only charge me half-price for the beer, too!
CU: Are you going to do those?
DS: Half-price beer? You betcha!
CU: And what about the rumor that's been going around here at the Curious Urinal?
DS: Which one?
CU: There's more than one?
DS: There's two different rumors.
CU: I'm referring to the movie deal.
DS: Oh, that one. Well, it seems Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey has penned a new movie that he thinks I'd be perfect to co-star in it.
CU: Does the movie have a title yet?
DS: Stinky and the Bandit 2.
CU: What's the plot?
DS: From what he told me, we'd be riding an elephant cross-country to get banana smoothies for some concert in Georgia.
CU: Hmm? That's a pretty thin plot.
DS: Well, he's still working on it, so I told him I'd consider the role.
CU: So what's the other rumor?
DS: That I will be a judge on American Idol next year. Honestly, I don't know how that one got started, but it's totally false.
CU: So, what will you be doing in the meantime, especially now that your celebrity is on the rise?
DS: Well, I may be doing my own show on the Phobia Channel soon.
CU: Really?
DS: Yeah. I have been in secret negotiations with the head programmer at the Phobia Channel to do a talk show called: Dewaine Shoulders -A Mind is a Terrible Thing!
CU: That should be great!
DS: But I really don't want people to think that all of this success is going to my head. I'm still the guy that everyone knows and loves. Nothing has changed that. I'm still that simple guy that values all things humble!
CU: Yes, you are a great guy to work for, and I know that everyone thinks very kindly of you.
DS: Well, Juan, I need to go. Drew Berrymore is waiting out in the limo, and I'm not going to keep her waiting... Too long, that is!
CU: Okay, thanks for the interview, boss!
DS: Oh, before I forget it, I do have a new show starting Tuesday called 'The One Mans Opinion Hour' on Palin Promotions Blogcast.
CU: Cool! I'll have to check that one out. What time?
DS: It's at seven p.m. EST, six Central and four Pacific!
CU: Got it!
Note: This is the video that started it all -
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/23/2010
Former President Claims it's Bush's Fault too!
Jimmy Carter says Americans could have had comprehensive health care coverage decades ago if Edward Kennedy hadn't blocked a plan Carter proposed while in the White House.
The former president made the comment in an interview with CBS' "60 Minutes."
In the interview, Carter accuses Kennedy of "deliberating blocking" comprehensive health care legislation Carter proposed. "I won't speak ill of the dead, but that drunken bastard caused me to lose to Reagan and really screwed up my legacy!"
Carter then went on to say, "And George Bush could have also been involved, and thus is to blame as well!" With a grin, he added, "Obama said he'd pay me $5 to say that!"
He continued to speak of his legacy. "I am superior to all former presidents. I'm also superior to all mortal men! I'm Peanut-Man!"
He demonstrated by taking off his suit. Underneath, he was wearing a pair of pajamas with a big 'peanut' sewn on the pocket, and a cape. The orderly at the rest home then helped the former president back to his rubber room.
4/3 of Americans have trouble with Fractions
Barbara (Barbie) Bimboluski of 'The National Math Is Just Too Hard Society' (TNMIJTHS) announced yesterday that: “Math is just too hard for me to comprehend! The numbers just don’t add up!” Standing before a group of utterly confused students at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony Preschool, Ms. Bimboluski went on to say that “98% of all statistics were at least 97% made up on the spot, and the remaining 55% were just too hard to understand anyway.”
After the speech, the preschoolers had milk and cookies and took a well-deserved nap.
And in Medical News:
Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.
It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.
This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.
If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.
But there is a treatment already available.
You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.
Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.
If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.
Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.
So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.
Former President Claims it's Bush's Fault too!
Jimmy Carter says Americans could have had comprehensive health care coverage decades ago if Edward Kennedy hadn't blocked a plan Carter proposed while in the White House.
The former president made the comment in an interview with CBS' "60 Minutes."
In the interview, Carter accuses Kennedy of "deliberating blocking" comprehensive health care legislation Carter proposed. "I won't speak ill of the dead, but that drunken bastard caused me to lose to Reagan and really screwed up my legacy!"
Carter then went on to say, "And George Bush could have also been involved, and thus is to blame as well!" With a grin, he added, "Obama said he'd pay me $5 to say that!"
He continued to speak of his legacy. "I am superior to all former presidents. I'm also superior to all mortal men! I'm Peanut-Man!"
He demonstrated by taking off his suit. Underneath, he was wearing a pair of pajamas with a big 'peanut' sewn on the pocket, and a cape. The orderly at the rest home then helped the former president back to his rubber room.
4/3 of Americans have trouble with Fractions
Barbara (Barbie) Bimboluski of 'The National Math Is Just Too Hard Society' (TNMIJTHS) announced yesterday that: “Math is just too hard for me to comprehend! The numbers just don’t add up!” Standing before a group of utterly confused students at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony Preschool, Ms. Bimboluski went on to say that “98% of all statistics were at least 97% made up on the spot, and the remaining 55% were just too hard to understand anyway.”
After the speech, the preschoolers had milk and cookies and took a well-deserved nap.
And in Medical News:
Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.
It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.
This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.
If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.
But there is a treatment already available.
You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.
Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.
If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.
Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.
So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Curious Urinal Wednesday, 9/15/2010
Obama's Latest Plan to Save Failing Economy
With his approval numbers falling faster than pigs being tossed from an airplane, President Obama unveiled his latest proposal to bolster the miserable economy. In a press conference inside of a McDonalds Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH, Obama touted his ultimate plan.
"We'll start selling parts of America back to Mexico, France, Canada and Saudi Arabia. Then, we take your houses from you and give them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who will then rent the houses back to you for a small 10,000% mark-up. Then, we rob Fort Knox like Goldfinger did in that old James Bond movie... And then, just for fun, we'll sell conservatives for scientific experiments... By the pound!"
The raved reviews from Acorn workers and SEIU members drowned out the boos and hisses from the rest of the restaurant, who began pelting the president with Chicken McNuggets and hunks of cheeseburgers. The Secret Service wrestled the crowd to the ground, and then allowed the Acorn workers and SEIU members to beat them to a bloody pulp.
No word if Ronald McDonald approves of the plan.
New Oil to come from Mexico?
Even though President Obama imposed a moratorium on U.S. deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, the U.S. Export-Import Bank intends to guarantee $1 billion in loans to PEMEX, the Mexican state oil company, to bolster the company's oil drilling in the region.
The bank, which is the official American export credit agency, loaned more than $1 billion to PEMEX in 2009 -- when the company was the bank's largest borrower -- in support of its drilling activities. That year, the bank also guaranteed two loans totaling $300 million.
The latest request comes during a drilling moratorium that was first imposed by Obama in May to find out what was the cause behind the April 20 Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion killed 11 workers and allowed over 200 million gallons of oil to spew from BP's undersea well.
After a federal court struck down the ban, amid complaints that it threatened thousands of jobs in the offshore oil industry, the Obama administration issued a new moratorium in July on most deep-water drilling activities that is in effect until Nov. 30.
The president says that it's a win-win situation for everybody. "We can bring in cheap oil from Mexico, and use illegal immigrants to carry a 55 gallon drum with them as they cross the border. The more illegal immigrants, the more oil we get! The more illegal immigrants, the more potential voters for the democrats!"
Obama's Latest Plan to Save Failing Economy
With his approval numbers falling faster than pigs being tossed from an airplane, President Obama unveiled his latest proposal to bolster the miserable economy. In a press conference inside of a McDonalds Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH, Obama touted his ultimate plan.
"We'll start selling parts of America back to Mexico, France, Canada and Saudi Arabia. Then, we take your houses from you and give them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who will then rent the houses back to you for a small 10,000% mark-up. Then, we rob Fort Knox like Goldfinger did in that old James Bond movie... And then, just for fun, we'll sell conservatives for scientific experiments... By the pound!"
The raved reviews from Acorn workers and SEIU members drowned out the boos and hisses from the rest of the restaurant, who began pelting the president with Chicken McNuggets and hunks of cheeseburgers. The Secret Service wrestled the crowd to the ground, and then allowed the Acorn workers and SEIU members to beat them to a bloody pulp.
No word if Ronald McDonald approves of the plan.
New Oil to come from Mexico?
Even though President Obama imposed a moratorium on U.S. deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, the U.S. Export-Import Bank intends to guarantee $1 billion in loans to PEMEX, the Mexican state oil company, to bolster the company's oil drilling in the region.
The bank, which is the official American export credit agency, loaned more than $1 billion to PEMEX in 2009 -- when the company was the bank's largest borrower -- in support of its drilling activities. That year, the bank also guaranteed two loans totaling $300 million.
The latest request comes during a drilling moratorium that was first imposed by Obama in May to find out what was the cause behind the April 20 Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion killed 11 workers and allowed over 200 million gallons of oil to spew from BP's undersea well.
After a federal court struck down the ban, amid complaints that it threatened thousands of jobs in the offshore oil industry, the Obama administration issued a new moratorium in July on most deep-water drilling activities that is in effect until Nov. 30.
The president says that it's a win-win situation for everybody. "We can bring in cheap oil from Mexico, and use illegal immigrants to carry a 55 gallon drum with them as they cross the border. The more illegal immigrants, the more oil we get! The more illegal immigrants, the more potential voters for the democrats!"
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/21/2012
Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company makes major announcement
Erma Gotsahickey, President and CEO of Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company held a press conference today in front of the International Headquarters of Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company. She walked proudly to the podium and said, “Today, we are proud to announce that starting today, the pet food world will stand up and take notice of our little company.”
What she was referring to was the latest addition to the BHF&PFC lineup of quality pet foods. Along with Alpoop and Kennelrelations, BHF&PFC is among the top 56 pet food companies in the eastern US. She went on, saying, “Today we are announcing our promise to help keep the planet green and healthy for all, and do our part in recycling by adding our latest product, Crunchy Cat Turds, to our ever-growing list of fine pet foods.”
“Research shows that dogs simply love digging into litter boxes. They will eat anything that’s there. So, why not give them what they want, and help keep out nations landfills free of feline excrement?”
Crunch Cat Turds are just that. Dug out of the cat’s litter box, sand and all, BHF&PFC plans on packaging this dog treat alongside their other quality pet foods, Cat Hairball Surprise, Toilet Water, and their best seller, Ass-flavored Dog Food.
Editors note: Crunchy Cat Turds will come in one flavor... Clump Surprise.
And in Music news:
Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molekats will be performing their unique musical styling’s at Big Al’s Titty Emporium in Downtown Hooter Heights this weekend. Know for their off key music and rambling monotone delivery, Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molecats will be doing three shows a day for the next six weeks, so you have plenty of time to see them. And also, check out their newest CD release entitled: Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molecats, Live at the Hollywood Car Wash!
Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company makes major announcement
Erma Gotsahickey, President and CEO of Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company held a press conference today in front of the International Headquarters of Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company. She walked proudly to the podium and said, “Today, we are proud to announce that starting today, the pet food world will stand up and take notice of our little company.”
What she was referring to was the latest addition to the BHF&PFC lineup of quality pet foods. Along with Alpoop and Kennelrelations, BHF&PFC is among the top 56 pet food companies in the eastern US. She went on, saying, “Today we are announcing our promise to help keep the planet green and healthy for all, and do our part in recycling by adding our latest product, Crunchy Cat Turds, to our ever-growing list of fine pet foods.”
“Research shows that dogs simply love digging into litter boxes. They will eat anything that’s there. So, why not give them what they want, and help keep out nations landfills free of feline excrement?”
Crunch Cat Turds are just that. Dug out of the cat’s litter box, sand and all, BHF&PFC plans on packaging this dog treat alongside their other quality pet foods, Cat Hairball Surprise, Toilet Water, and their best seller, Ass-flavored Dog Food.
Editors note: Crunchy Cat Turds will come in one flavor... Clump Surprise.
And in Music news:
Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molekats will be performing their unique musical styling’s at Big Al’s Titty Emporium in Downtown Hooter Heights this weekend. Know for their off key music and rambling monotone delivery, Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molecats will be doing three shows a day for the next six weeks, so you have plenty of time to see them. And also, check out their newest CD release entitled: Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molecats, Live at the Hollywood Car Wash!
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Curious Urinal Monday 9/20/2010
It Sounds Like a Bad Movie Trailer
From the administration that brought you 'Man-caused Disaster' to replace 'Terrorism' and 'Overseas Contingency Operation' instead of 'War on Terror' now brings you yet another politically correct terminology change...
This week, the White House stated that it wanted the public to start using the term 'global climate disruption' instead of 'global warming.' Why? They fear that global warming oversimplifies the problem and makes it sound less dangerous than it really is.
Also, there are new Politically Correct terms for the following: 'Taxes' will hence be known as 'Forced Federal Contributions,' and 'Welfare' will be known as 'Benefits for Slackers!'
And in Other News:
A shortage of high-quality paper for recycling could mean scratchy toilet tissue. To keep consumers happy and avoid any chafed rear ends, companies are now on a quest to find new paper supplies.
The problem: Cartoon bears, who have been hoarding the toilet paper for some time. They are repackaging it and reseling it for a higher price to unsuspecting consumers.
Congressman Irvin Buttkis has called for the nuclear option to be used against these so-called toilet paper pimps. Stating at a press conference: "Every time I see those bears on TV, my ass hurts!"
And now… Maestro, timpani please…
It time to check the Old Mail Bag!
Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.
Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?
Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.
Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, ND.
Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?
Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.
Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.
It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?
Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, New Foundland
Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.
Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!
It Sounds Like a Bad Movie Trailer
From the administration that brought you 'Man-caused Disaster' to replace 'Terrorism' and 'Overseas Contingency Operation' instead of 'War on Terror' now brings you yet another politically correct terminology change...
This week, the White House stated that it wanted the public to start using the term 'global climate disruption' instead of 'global warming.' Why? They fear that global warming oversimplifies the problem and makes it sound less dangerous than it really is.
Also, there are new Politically Correct terms for the following: 'Taxes' will hence be known as 'Forced Federal Contributions,' and 'Welfare' will be known as 'Benefits for Slackers!'
And in Other News:
A shortage of high-quality paper for recycling could mean scratchy toilet tissue. To keep consumers happy and avoid any chafed rear ends, companies are now on a quest to find new paper supplies.
The problem: Cartoon bears, who have been hoarding the toilet paper for some time. They are repackaging it and reseling it for a higher price to unsuspecting consumers.
Congressman Irvin Buttkis has called for the nuclear option to be used against these so-called toilet paper pimps. Stating at a press conference: "Every time I see those bears on TV, my ass hurts!"
And now… Maestro, timpani please…
It time to check the Old Mail Bag!
Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.
Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?
Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.
Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, ND.
Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?
Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.
Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.
It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?
Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, New Foundland
Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.
Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Curious Urinal - Friday 9/17/2010
The Curious Urinal Interview: Fidel Castro
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Here at the Curious Urinal, we continue to strive for the best interviews with celebrities, political figures and those that are making headlines. Today, we have one of the best Interviews ever - Cuba's Communist Revolution Leader, Fidel Castro.
CU: Thanks for meeting with us today, Mr. Castro.
FC: Call me Fidel. I am no longer president, so I am just an ordinary man.
CU: Okay. Fidel, you lead the 1959 Cuban Revolution, turning a paradise like Cuba into a communist utopia, complete with lousy healthcare, ruined lives, and many of your people escaping to America to start new lives in the land of freedom.
FC: Yes. The revolution was glorious. And we drove out those that would bring our new paradise down.
CU: But your people suffer from lack of money and proper medical care. They are yearning for freedom.
FC: Well, they need to go to America for all of that!
CU: Okay. let's talk about what you have been doing since your health scare a few years ago.
FC: Well, I have spent a lot of time allowing my brother to rule Cuba. Of course he had done so with my blessings.
CU: You recently told a visiting American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. What makes you think that after all of these years?
FC: Four years ago, I was the president of Cuba. Now, as a regular citizen, I see that I really screwed things up. I can't get any decent toilet paper, nor can I watch Lady Gaga on CTV!
CU: CTV?
FC: Communist Television. Kind of like your MSNBC.
CU: I see. So you are a Lady Gaga fan?
FC: Yes. She is the bomb. But she's no Sarah Palin. Now there's a lady I'd like to see running things in America. Hell, I might move there then.
CU: You'd like to move to the U.S.A.?
FC: You betcha! Things are so messed-up here that I'd like to go to Miami and buy a nice ocean-front villa and watch the sexy women walking on the beach. Here, we have fat, old and hairy people on the beach. And that does nothing for my libido!
CU: And you're aware that things are not working efficiently on this cash-strapped Caribbean island? And your brother Raul, the current president, has said the same thing repeatedly.
FC: Rub it in, why don't you. Look, I said I screwed-up. I took paradise and turned it into a shithole! What do you want me to say? That everything has been peachy keen?
CU: So you do admit the 1959 Communist Revolution was a mistake?
FC: The only reason I did what I did was to make myself president. Then, I had to kill people and ship others off the island to try to make things better. But it kept getting worse. Kind of like Chris Olbermann every time he opens his mouth!
CU: So if you had it all to over again?
FC: If I had it all to do over again, I would have had the revolution, then turned Cuba into a Las Vegas-style island. You know, showgirls, gambling, Maybe we could have gotten Wayne Newton to come here and do shows?
CU: But Cuba used to be like that before the revolution! Now, the government controls over 90 percent of the economy. The government is paying workers about $20 a month. They do get free health care and an education, but both are lacking! The people get almost free transportation and housing. Ans a portion of every citizen's food needs are sold to them through ration books at heavily subsidized prices.
FC: Just like what Obama is trying to do to America. Then we will be a glorious paradise again! (Laughter) But seriously, communism doesn't work anymore. We need more money! We need a Walmart here! We need a KFC and maybe a pizza joint. Hell, I would settle for a White Castle restaurant if someone would be willing to build it here.
CU: Your brother, President Raul Castro, has instituted a series of limited economic reforms, and has warned Cubans that they need to start working harder and expecting less from the government. But he also made it clear he has no desire to depart from Cuba's socialist system or embrace capitalism. But there are some signs of economic reforms, but some do seem to be a bit strange. I mean, like raising animals and growing vegetables. Other jobs like in construction, driving taxis and auto repair are a bit better.
FC: Don't forget making candy; my personal favorite! (laughter) But seriously, I can tell you this, Raul is much like I was... That is until I stepped down. Now, he's let the power go to his head. He should try to live on $20 a month, and in squalor like the rest of us!
CU: But he's also letting over a half-million workers go, as in permanent lay-offs. That's going to hurt the economy, isn't it?
FC: Actually, getting rid of the dead weight will help the economy. Like what the Tea Party is trying to do in America! Get rid of the dead weight in Washington. Wouldn't that be something to see? (laughter)
CU: So you would accept capitalism in Cuba?
FC: Sure. When America goes socialist, and your President Obama is doing a great job of that by the way, then Cuba will be poise to be a beacon of freedom in the hemisphere!
CU: Very interesting thought. Well, I want to thank you for your time, Fidel. And maybe soon, you can come to America and find what you are looking for?
FC: Yes. Charmin Toilet Paper. The 40-grit sandpaper we have here is making my tushy sore!
CU: I bet it would too!
The Curious Urinal Interview: Fidel Castro
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Here at the Curious Urinal, we continue to strive for the best interviews with celebrities, political figures and those that are making headlines. Today, we have one of the best Interviews ever - Cuba's Communist Revolution Leader, Fidel Castro.
CU: Thanks for meeting with us today, Mr. Castro.
FC: Call me Fidel. I am no longer president, so I am just an ordinary man.
CU: Okay. Fidel, you lead the 1959 Cuban Revolution, turning a paradise like Cuba into a communist utopia, complete with lousy healthcare, ruined lives, and many of your people escaping to America to start new lives in the land of freedom.
FC: Yes. The revolution was glorious. And we drove out those that would bring our new paradise down.
CU: But your people suffer from lack of money and proper medical care. They are yearning for freedom.
FC: Well, they need to go to America for all of that!
CU: Okay. let's talk about what you have been doing since your health scare a few years ago.
FC: Well, I have spent a lot of time allowing my brother to rule Cuba. Of course he had done so with my blessings.
CU: You recently told a visiting American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. What makes you think that after all of these years?
FC: Four years ago, I was the president of Cuba. Now, as a regular citizen, I see that I really screwed things up. I can't get any decent toilet paper, nor can I watch Lady Gaga on CTV!
CU: CTV?
FC: Communist Television. Kind of like your MSNBC.
CU: I see. So you are a Lady Gaga fan?
FC: Yes. She is the bomb. But she's no Sarah Palin. Now there's a lady I'd like to see running things in America. Hell, I might move there then.
CU: You'd like to move to the U.S.A.?
FC: You betcha! Things are so messed-up here that I'd like to go to Miami and buy a nice ocean-front villa and watch the sexy women walking on the beach. Here, we have fat, old and hairy people on the beach. And that does nothing for my libido!
CU: And you're aware that things are not working efficiently on this cash-strapped Caribbean island? And your brother Raul, the current president, has said the same thing repeatedly.
FC: Rub it in, why don't you. Look, I said I screwed-up. I took paradise and turned it into a shithole! What do you want me to say? That everything has been peachy keen?
CU: So you do admit the 1959 Communist Revolution was a mistake?
FC: The only reason I did what I did was to make myself president. Then, I had to kill people and ship others off the island to try to make things better. But it kept getting worse. Kind of like Chris Olbermann every time he opens his mouth!
CU: So if you had it all to over again?
FC: If I had it all to do over again, I would have had the revolution, then turned Cuba into a Las Vegas-style island. You know, showgirls, gambling, Maybe we could have gotten Wayne Newton to come here and do shows?
CU: But Cuba used to be like that before the revolution! Now, the government controls over 90 percent of the economy. The government is paying workers about $20 a month. They do get free health care and an education, but both are lacking! The people get almost free transportation and housing. Ans a portion of every citizen's food needs are sold to them through ration books at heavily subsidized prices.
FC: Just like what Obama is trying to do to America. Then we will be a glorious paradise again! (Laughter) But seriously, communism doesn't work anymore. We need more money! We need a Walmart here! We need a KFC and maybe a pizza joint. Hell, I would settle for a White Castle restaurant if someone would be willing to build it here.
CU: Your brother, President Raul Castro, has instituted a series of limited economic reforms, and has warned Cubans that they need to start working harder and expecting less from the government. But he also made it clear he has no desire to depart from Cuba's socialist system or embrace capitalism. But there are some signs of economic reforms, but some do seem to be a bit strange. I mean, like raising animals and growing vegetables. Other jobs like in construction, driving taxis and auto repair are a bit better.
FC: Don't forget making candy; my personal favorite! (laughter) But seriously, I can tell you this, Raul is much like I was... That is until I stepped down. Now, he's let the power go to his head. He should try to live on $20 a month, and in squalor like the rest of us!
CU: But he's also letting over a half-million workers go, as in permanent lay-offs. That's going to hurt the economy, isn't it?
FC: Actually, getting rid of the dead weight will help the economy. Like what the Tea Party is trying to do in America! Get rid of the dead weight in Washington. Wouldn't that be something to see? (laughter)
CU: So you would accept capitalism in Cuba?
FC: Sure. When America goes socialist, and your President Obama is doing a great job of that by the way, then Cuba will be poise to be a beacon of freedom in the hemisphere!
CU: Very interesting thought. Well, I want to thank you for your time, Fidel. And maybe soon, you can come to America and find what you are looking for?
FC: Yes. Charmin Toilet Paper. The 40-grit sandpaper we have here is making my tushy sore!
CU: I bet it would too!
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