It Sounds Like a Bad Movie Trailer
From the administration that brought you 'Man-caused Disaster' to replace 'Terrorism' and 'Overseas Contingency Operation' instead of 'War on Terror' now brings you yet another politically correct terminology change...
This week, the White House stated that it wanted the public to start using the term 'global climate disruption' instead of 'global warming.' Why? They fear that global warming oversimplifies the problem and makes it sound less dangerous than it really is.
Also, there are new Politically Correct terms for the following: 'Taxes' will hence be known as 'Forced Federal Contributions,' and 'Welfare' will be known as 'Benefits for Slackers!'
And in Other News:
A shortage of high-quality paper for recycling could mean scratchy toilet tissue. To keep consumers happy and avoid any chafed rear ends, companies are now on a quest to find new paper supplies.
The problem: Cartoon bears, who have been hoarding the toilet paper for some time. They are repackaging it and reseling it for a higher price to unsuspecting consumers.
Congressman Irvin Buttkis has called for the nuclear option to be used against these so-called toilet paper pimps. Stating at a press conference: "Every time I see those bears on TV, my ass hurts!"
And now… Maestro, timpani please…
It time to check the Old Mail Bag!
Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.
Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?
Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.
Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, ND.
Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?
Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.
Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.
It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?
Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, New Foundland
Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.
Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!
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