The Curious Urinal - Friday 9/17/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview: Fidel Castro

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Here at the Curious Urinal, we continue to strive for the best interviews with celebrities, political figures and those that are making headlines. Today, we have one of the best Interviews ever - Cuba's Communist Revolution Leader, Fidel Castro.

CU: Thanks for meeting with us today, Mr. Castro.

FC: Call me Fidel. I am no longer president, so I am just an ordinary man.

CU: Okay. Fidel, you lead the 1959 Cuban Revolution, turning a paradise like Cuba into a communist utopia, complete with lousy healthcare, ruined lives, and many of your people escaping to America to start new lives in the land of freedom.

FC: Yes. The revolution was glorious. And we drove out those that would bring our new paradise down.

CU: But your people suffer from lack of money and proper medical care. They are yearning for freedom.

FC: Well, they need to go to America for all of that!

CU: Okay. let's talk about what you have been doing since your health scare a few years ago.

FC: Well, I have spent a lot of time allowing my brother to rule Cuba. Of course he had done so with my blessings.

CU: You recently told a visiting American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. What makes you think that after all of these years?

FC: Four years ago, I was the president of Cuba. Now, as a regular citizen, I see that I really screwed things up. I can't get any decent toilet paper, nor can I watch Lady Gaga on CTV!

CU: CTV?

FC: Communist Television. Kind of like your MSNBC.

CU: I see. So you are a Lady Gaga fan?

FC: Yes. She is the bomb. But she's no Sarah Palin. Now there's a lady I'd like to see running things in America. Hell, I might move there then.

CU: You'd like to move to the U.S.A.?

FC: You betcha! Things are so messed-up here that I'd like to go to Miami and buy a nice ocean-front villa and watch the sexy women walking on the beach. Here, we have fat, old and hairy people on the beach. And that does nothing for my libido!

CU: And you're aware that things are not working efficiently on this cash-strapped Caribbean island? And your brother Raul, the current president, has said the same thing repeatedly.

FC: Rub it in, why don't you. Look, I said I screwed-up. I took paradise and turned it into a shithole! What do you want me to say? That everything has been peachy keen?

CU: So you do admit the 1959 Communist Revolution was a mistake?

FC: The only reason I did what I did was to make myself president. Then, I had to kill people and ship others off the island to try to make things better. But it kept getting worse. Kind of like Chris Olbermann every time he opens his mouth!

CU: So if you had it all to over again?

FC: If I had it all to do over again, I would have had the revolution, then turned Cuba into a Las Vegas-style island. You know, showgirls, gambling, Maybe we could have gotten Wayne Newton to come here and do shows?

CU: But Cuba used to be like that before the revolution! Now, the government controls over 90 percent of the economy. The government is paying workers about $20 a month. They do get free health care and an education, but both are lacking! The people get almost free transportation and housing. Ans a portion of every citizen's food needs are sold to them through ration books at heavily subsidized prices.

FC: Just like what Obama is trying to do to America. Then we will be a glorious paradise again! (Laughter) But seriously, communism doesn't work anymore. We need more money! We need a Walmart here! We need a KFC and maybe a pizza joint. Hell, I would settle for a White Castle restaurant if someone would be willing to build it here.

CU: Your brother, President Raul Castro, has instituted a series of limited economic reforms, and has warned Cubans that they need to start working harder and expecting less from the government. But he also made it clear he has no desire to depart from Cuba's socialist system or embrace capitalism. But there are some signs of economic reforms, but some do seem to be a bit strange. I mean, like raising animals and growing vegetables. Other jobs like in construction, driving taxis and auto repair are a bit better.

FC: Don't forget making candy; my personal favorite! (laughter) But seriously, I can tell you this, Raul is much like I was... That is until I stepped down. Now, he's let the power go to his head. He should try to live on $20 a month, and in squalor like the rest of us!

CU: But he's also letting over a half-million workers go, as in permanent lay-offs. That's going to hurt the economy, isn't it?

FC: Actually, getting rid of the dead weight will help the economy. Like what the Tea Party is trying to do in America! Get rid of the dead weight in Washington. Wouldn't that be something to see? (laughter)

CU: So you would accept capitalism in Cuba?

FC: Sure. When America goes socialist, and your President Obama is doing a great job of that by the way, then Cuba will be poise to be a beacon of freedom in the hemisphere!

CU: Very interesting thought. Well, I want to thank you for your time, Fidel. And maybe soon, you can come to America and find what you are looking for?

FC: Yes. Charmin Toilet Paper. The 40-grit sandpaper we have here is making my tushy sore!

CU: I bet it would too!