Bin Laden's Journal Revealed
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
Just about a year ago to the day, Osama (Usama) Bin Laden was gunned down by Seal Team Six (YEAH!). Now, newly released documents reveal what was going on inside the mind of the terrorist mastermind.
These documents, obtained from Bin Laden's compound, reveal that the former Al Qaeda leader was unsure of the terror network's affiliate groups and his ability to control them.
But further reading details what else held the attention of America's Most Wanted in the days and weeks before his death. The 17 documents (totaling about 175 pages in Arabic) range in dates from September 2006 to April 2011. The following are but a sample of his thoughts:
"I am deeply troubled by terrorist attacks carried out by regional jihadist groups that caused Muslim civilian casualties. No Muslim should fall victim except when it is absolutely necessary,"
"We shall avoid carrying out attacks in Islamic countries except for the countries that fell under invasion and direct occupation."
"I need to talk to Nike about my Air Usama idea!"
"Gilligan's Island cracks me up. Little buddy could be a terrorist bomber if he had the right training. And Ginger and Mary Ann would look good in Burqa's."
"My Rice Crispies are not as talkative as normal. I think they're plotting against me!"
"Death to America... Unless George Lucas will release a new Star Wars Trilogy."
"I hate Camel Chips. Even with salsa, they taste like shit!"
"My feet are killing me! I should invest in some hiking boots instead of these stupid sandals."
"Wheel of Fortune comes on at the same time as my favorite Soap Opera - One Life to Martyr. I suppose I need to buy a VCR."
"If I find out which wife dipped my beard in the Yak pudding while I slept, I'll cut her head off with a butter knife!"
"Gorgonzola cheese cannot disguise the taste of goat. I have to stop kissing the goat when I have sex with it!"
"I cannot stand American Idol. If Randy Jackson says "Dawg" one more time, I'll puke!"
"I really wish I had something else to eat besides these damned cans of three year old Spam."
"Hold on, I think I heard someone at the door..."
That was the last entry, aside for some brain matter and hunks of skull on the pages.
In Local News
Local Business Closes Soon After Opening
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
It was a business plan like no other. These two men had years of experience and the know-how to get the business up and running.
Marty Gross and Phillip Rancid had the perfect idea when they decided to go into business together. One had spent years as a master butcher and the other had years of experience in the produce business. They decided to open their business during a recession because people have to eat, and they would have the lowest prices in town to make sure that the people would want to shop with them. Both knew that nothing could go wrong.
Their gimmick was simple - one half of the store would house the largest selection of fresh vegetables anywhere, and the other half would be the biggest butcher shop in the country.
So, having put together their marketing plan, they secured a $1,000,000 loan to build a new store. They stocked it with their meats and vegetables, and then they opened their store, spending every last dime they had to make it the biggest thing ever to take place in Buzzardbait.
But there was just one small problem. Once the business opened, no one came to shop.
Rancid Meats and Gross Vegetables was a wonderful idea that failed to catch on in Buzzardbait, and no one knows why.
This edition of The Curious Urinal has been brought to you by:
.jpg)
Hey Guys... When you're out there making the big play to make the winning score, or that big presentation that will get that promotion you've been waiting for, you don't want your deodorant to give out. You need a deodorant that will hang in there and keep that bad BO from ruining your chances. And you want your deodorant to chase away the unwanted odors that chase away the ladies.
Then you need Skank-Off!
Shank-Off is the deodorant that attracts the attractive ladies,
and at the same time runs off the ugly ones.
And isn't that what you really want in a deodorant?
And Skank-Off comes in three scents:
He-man, I'm Rich, and Hung like a Horse!
So when you need a deodorant that can do the job, don't go after the wimpy deodorants. Reach for Skank-Off... The real man's deodorant!
Another fine product from CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Cooperation of America)
Buzzardbait, Ky
