SPECIAL AFTERNOON EDITION
Buzzardbait Bans Beers From Store Shelves -Many Are Miffed
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Alabama has banned a certain beer from their store shelves because of a dirty word. Fat Bastard Beer, brewed in Michigan, has been banned in Alabama stores that are allowed to sell liquor or beer (and there are precious few that do).
Not to be outdone, Buzzardbait, and all of Ammo County, has decided that there are certain beers that cannot be sold in any grocery or liquor store, and also any bars or restaurants, due to their perceived bad names.
For example, Fat Whanker Lager cannot be sold anywhere in the county, nor can Smelly Bear Ass Beer. In fact, the following beers: Old Piss Beer, Jock Strap Sqeezin's Beer, Floppy Titty Stout Ale, Bullsh*t Beer, Co**sucker Beer, You Effing Bitch Beer, and our personal favorite, Eat Sh*t and Die Lite Beer, cannot be sold in Buzzardbait, Hooter Heights, or any other county-approved retail outlet, bar or restaurant.
Big Al of Big Al's Titty Emporium, who sells these and other "Normal-named" beers, has protested the decision, stating: "Discriminating against certain beers because of their names is akin to racism, homophobia, and downright ignorance from a bunch of freeloaders in the county seat who want to keep the local residents from enjoying any of these wonderful brews. If you're afraid of the names of the beers, then what about Schitts Beer? Why can you sell Schitts and not Piss Beer?"
Good question... So we sought answers.
Irvin Schitts, who died many years ago, was unavailable for comment, but Ho Lee Schitts, his great-grandson who now runs the Schitts Brewery, said, "I was raised in China. There, we had many odd names for beers, most of which cannot be translated in English because they may come across as offensive to certain politicians and wussies! We were thinking of importing a few of these beers to the area, but now I think we will be unable to import such wonderful ales as Smelly Pus*y Beer, Fu*kin' Asshole Dark Ale, or my personal favorite, Bitch, Get Me a Beer Cream Ale."
Even some people in county government thinks the decision stinks. Take Oliver Closeoff... He says, "One of my favorite beers is called Fu*k Off Premium Stout. When you say Fu*k Off, you've said it all!" He added, "Hey, if these pansy-assed politicians can't run the county, then why are they trying to run liquor sales? I think they all suck!"
So, beers like Dog Wizz Lite, Old Sweat Socks Beer, and Cream of Sum Yung Gui Winter White Beer with Protein can be sold, but Rotten, Lousy Son of a Bitch Beer cannot be sold anywhere in Ammo County, thanks to our forward-thinking politicians.
Let's all remember that the First Amendment rights to free speech are under assault by these so-called leaders, and if I can't buy Fu*k You Mother Fu*ker Beer, then my rights have been violated!
Viva the First Amendment!
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Corner of Main and 5th
Beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait
