From the pages of The Curious Urinal
The Friday Interview:
Ian Hocum - Stellar Scientist.
By staff reporter Juan Motyme.
We here at The Curious Urinal were excited when NASA gave a press conference yesterday in Washington about an amazing discovery. Since The Curious Urinal couldn't obtain press credentials (because we aren't a real newspaper - the gall of some of those people), we looked for any scientist willing to sit down with us. After several attempts, we secured an exclusive interview with noted scientist and star mapper, Ian Hocum.
CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.
IH: It's my pleasure.
CU: So, you have a really big announcement to make?
IH: Yes I do. If you consider how many stars are in the universe, and that is approximately 300 sextillion, then you can deduce from there..."
CU: Three hundred sextillion?
IH: Yes, that's 300 with 21 zeros behind it.
CU: That's a lot of stars!
IH: It certainly is.
CU: Sorry, do go on.
IH: As I was saying, with 300 sextillion stars in the universe, then can deduce from there that looking for life on a planet orbiting any one of those stars would be almost incalculable.
CU: I bet so!
IH: So, some fellow scientists decided that they would do a study out in California...
CU: Let me guess... San Francisco?
IH: No, but I know what you're thinking. Actually it was Mono Lake, where they discovered that a bug will grow in the presence of the toxic chemical arsenic when only slight traces of phosphorous are present.
CU: Interesting... I think.
IH: Very. But what's more interesting is that they have determined that Titan, the largest moon of Saturn, may have life on it based upon these findings in California!
CU: WOW!
IH: Wow is right. If the findings prove accurate, then we will have truly discovered alien life outside of planet Earth. There could also be life abundant on Mars or Europa, a moon of Jupiter. It's very exciting news!
CU: Could Pluto have ice men like The X-Men?
IH: Probably not. Again, we are talking about bacteria. Microbes wouldn't constitute ice men.
CU: So, in other words, microbes instead of ET's, right?
IH: Uh, yes.
CU: That just sucks!
IH: Well, I know, many people want there to be some cute alien that comes down here and eats Reece's Pieces, but honestly the best we can hope to find for now is microbes, yes.
CU: No little green men with little radio antennae sticking out of their heads?
IH: No.
CU: No pod people?
IH: Not as such, no.
CU: No mindless zombies that wander aimlessly while sucking the brains out of humans?
IH: That would be liberals, and again it's not likely outside of Earth.
CU: Well, why the hell am I wasting my time talking to you then?
IH: Because no one else would talk to a reporter from The Curious Urinal!
CU: Good point.
IH: You see, this is a huge breakthrough. It changes the probabilities for their being life on other planets. The possibilities for finding life, especially the primordial kind, are now even greater than we ever thought possible.
CU: But no Klingons? No Vulcans? No fish people with big, bulbous eyes that help blow up Death Stars?
IH: Sorry about that, but the probabilities at this point are pretty slim for aliens like that to be found.
CU: In that case, I suppose this interview is over.
IH: But we still have a lot to talk about!
CU: Does it involve alien spacecraft landing on Earth with ray guns shooting everything in sight and Slim Whitman records?
IH: Huh?
CU: Never mind. Have a great day.
Well, the answer is out there still. We just have to find the right people to ask, is all.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
More from the pages of The Curious Urinal
Authorities Find Nothing Suspicious After Evacuating Lousyville International Airport
LOUSYVILLE, Ky. -- Leave it to Lousyville to try to get national attention. According to inside sources, Sid the bomb-sniffing police dog sniffed out a suspicious package and that caused the entire airport to be shut down Wednesday morning. After a frantic call to police, the police bomb experts found nothing suspicious after Sid reacted to a pallet at a remote cargo facility at Lousyville International Airport.
"It turned out to be Bacon Strips that were being sent to some address in Michigan," said Terri Thumbtwiddler, representing the Lousyville Airport Authority. She went on to say that, "Sid was reacting to hunger, not a bomb!"
A Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said that after the dog alerted officers at around 11 p.m. Tuesday, the facility was evacuated and explosives experts were brought in. She says the airport closed one runway as a precaution.
Lousyville police spokeswoman, Darla "Butch" Azkicker, said a bomb squad examined packages for about eight hours but found nothing but the bacon-flavored strips.
Sid the bomb-sniffing dog has been trained to signal if he believes he's detected explosives, but officials note an alert can be given for materials that aren't dangerous.
"Old Sid was hungry, and we fed him. So everything is good. No harm, no foul!" Terri Thumbtwiddler stated to the press. "But if he does it again, I'll shoot the dog for dragging me out of bed again!"
As a precaution, the TSA strip searched every passenger inside the airport, except for several Muslims that were allowed to pass without being checked. A representative for the TSA, who wished to go unnamed, stated, "Since we cannot profile anyone, especially those of Muslim descent, we have to make doubly sure that the rest of the passengers are searched so that we can insure the skies over the U.S. remain safe!"
Agnes Dumfounded of Lousyville took offense to being strip searched, saying afterward, "I'm 89 years old. The only way I could be a terrorist is if my angina started acting up, then I'm a bit riled up. I think next time I have to fly, I'm wearing a burqa, so I can get through security without the hassles!"
Authorities Find Nothing Suspicious After Evacuating Lousyville International Airport
LOUSYVILLE, Ky. -- Leave it to Lousyville to try to get national attention. According to inside sources, Sid the bomb-sniffing police dog sniffed out a suspicious package and that caused the entire airport to be shut down Wednesday morning. After a frantic call to police, the police bomb experts found nothing suspicious after Sid reacted to a pallet at a remote cargo facility at Lousyville International Airport.
"It turned out to be Bacon Strips that were being sent to some address in Michigan," said Terri Thumbtwiddler, representing the Lousyville Airport Authority. She went on to say that, "Sid was reacting to hunger, not a bomb!"
A Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said that after the dog alerted officers at around 11 p.m. Tuesday, the facility was evacuated and explosives experts were brought in. She says the airport closed one runway as a precaution.
Lousyville police spokeswoman, Darla "Butch" Azkicker, said a bomb squad examined packages for about eight hours but found nothing but the bacon-flavored strips.
Sid the bomb-sniffing dog has been trained to signal if he believes he's detected explosives, but officials note an alert can be given for materials that aren't dangerous.
"Old Sid was hungry, and we fed him. So everything is good. No harm, no foul!" Terri Thumbtwiddler stated to the press. "But if he does it again, I'll shoot the dog for dragging me out of bed again!"
As a precaution, the TSA strip searched every passenger inside the airport, except for several Muslims that were allowed to pass without being checked. A representative for the TSA, who wished to go unnamed, stated, "Since we cannot profile anyone, especially those of Muslim descent, we have to make doubly sure that the rest of the passengers are searched so that we can insure the skies over the U.S. remain safe!"
Agnes Dumfounded of Lousyville took offense to being strip searched, saying afterward, "I'm 89 years old. The only way I could be a terrorist is if my angina started acting up, then I'm a bit riled up. I think next time I have to fly, I'm wearing a burqa, so I can get through security without the hassles!"
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The end of an era in Buzzardbait
For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub has been a part of the community. Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger have tried to keep up with the latest trends over the years. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Then there was Disco Dancing, Slam Dancing (that ended after the first night as several patrons ended up in the local hospital). And they had a brief foray in punk country. Cleaning up the broken beer bottles proves more costly than actual beer sales and that ended within a few weeks. Then came Roller Boogie... But that went out of fashion fast as the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.
And then came Karaoke. And it was a hit!
Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger then tried out Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. That didn't work out so well, so karaoke remained whereas the flip flops were tossed away.
Well, trying to keep up with current trends, the Douschebagger's decided that on Thanksgiving, they would deep-fry turkeys. Since the weather outside was less that appealing on Thanksgiving, Phillip Douschebagger brought the 55 gallon drum of oil inside the pool hall portion of the business and lit a fire under it. The fire was contained in a large metal box that was sitting on two 4x4's upon the tan, cigarette burnt carpeting.
The front door was open to vent the smoke, so he knew that everyone would be fine. Besides, the roaring fire inside the pool hall did give off precious heat to the many patrons gathered there for the Thanksgiving feast.
When the fire was hot, and the oil bubbling, Vickie Douschebagger brought the ten turkeys on a cart that she rolled across the dance floor. Phillip carefully places the first turkey in the boiling barrel of oil and saw that it was good. Just then, the phone rang, and Vickie Douschebagger went to answer it. It seems that by the time the second turkey was carefully placed into the boiling oil, Phillip Douschebagger decided that it was safe to put more in.
Vickie Douschebagger called from behind the bar that the phone call was for Phillip, so he proceeded to heft the tray of 8 remaining turkeys and dumped them into the 55 gallon drum of cooking oil at one time.
That was his first mistake.
As he sat the tray aside and moved toward the phone, Phillip Douschbagger hadn't noticed that the oil was now pouring over the side of the barrel and oozing down toward the roaring fire. Of course, he also didn't notice the flames shooting toward the ceiling tiles. They caught fire quickly, and the entire ceiling of the pool hall/pub was engulfed.
At that very moment, Vickie Douschebagger noticed that most of the patrons were running toward the door, leaving in a hurry. Vickie grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran toward the fire while Phillip talked to his buddy, Clyde Worthleston of Hooter Heights on the cell phone. While talking on the phone, with his back to the roaring fire, Phillip Douschebagger noticed that the gas valve behind the beer cooler was slightly open.
While reaching down to grab a beer, Phillip propped the cell phone against his ear and turned the gas valve... The wrong way.
That was his second mistake.
The gas ignited and blew the front windows, and most of the patrons of the bar that were still sitting at the bar, awaiting their free Thanksgiving dinner. Vickie Douschebagger was hurled out of the open door and landed in a water puddle in the parking lot, as it was raining outside pretty steadily. She looked over to see her husband, Phillip, sitting inside the front windshield of a '71 Camero that was parked across the street. In one hand he held the cell phone, and the other he held a bottle of Schitts Beer.
By this time, the entire pool hall and pub was in flames. The pool tables,their nice green felt now a burning mass of material, burned to the ground quickly.... As did the building.
By the time the Buzzardbait Fire Department and Bait Shop arrived, there was not much left of the business but a half-burnt Schitts Beer sign, and the falling ash of the pool hall/pub. Smoke hung low in the driving rain, so it was hard to see the damage until it had burnt itself out, which the fire department allowed it to do. They couldn't get the fire hydrant opened, and decided that the rain would put out the fire for them.
Phillip Douschebagger's third and final mistake came when he finally managed to get himself free of the Camero's windshield. As he stumbled across the road, where visibility was down to near zero, he didn't see the tandem gravel truck due to the smoke-coverage.
Phillip Douschebagger was taken to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where he's currently in traction. Since his jaw is wired shut, he had no comment for us at this time.
Vickie Douschebagger, who suffered cuts and abrasions from the blast, decided that she was leaving Phillip after 30 years of marriage, and will join a commune somewhere in Colorado. She had no further comment on the incident.
No word if the pool hall/pub will be rebuilt.
For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub has been a part of the community. Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger have tried to keep up with the latest trends over the years. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Then there was Disco Dancing, Slam Dancing (that ended after the first night as several patrons ended up in the local hospital). And they had a brief foray in punk country. Cleaning up the broken beer bottles proves more costly than actual beer sales and that ended within a few weeks. Then came Roller Boogie... But that went out of fashion fast as the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.
And then came Karaoke. And it was a hit!
Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger then tried out Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. That didn't work out so well, so karaoke remained whereas the flip flops were tossed away.
Well, trying to keep up with current trends, the Douschebagger's decided that on Thanksgiving, they would deep-fry turkeys. Since the weather outside was less that appealing on Thanksgiving, Phillip Douschebagger brought the 55 gallon drum of oil inside the pool hall portion of the business and lit a fire under it. The fire was contained in a large metal box that was sitting on two 4x4's upon the tan, cigarette burnt carpeting.
The front door was open to vent the smoke, so he knew that everyone would be fine. Besides, the roaring fire inside the pool hall did give off precious heat to the many patrons gathered there for the Thanksgiving feast.
When the fire was hot, and the oil bubbling, Vickie Douschebagger brought the ten turkeys on a cart that she rolled across the dance floor. Phillip carefully places the first turkey in the boiling barrel of oil and saw that it was good. Just then, the phone rang, and Vickie Douschebagger went to answer it. It seems that by the time the second turkey was carefully placed into the boiling oil, Phillip Douschebagger decided that it was safe to put more in.
Vickie Douschebagger called from behind the bar that the phone call was for Phillip, so he proceeded to heft the tray of 8 remaining turkeys and dumped them into the 55 gallon drum of cooking oil at one time.
That was his first mistake.
As he sat the tray aside and moved toward the phone, Phillip Douschbagger hadn't noticed that the oil was now pouring over the side of the barrel and oozing down toward the roaring fire. Of course, he also didn't notice the flames shooting toward the ceiling tiles. They caught fire quickly, and the entire ceiling of the pool hall/pub was engulfed.
At that very moment, Vickie Douschebagger noticed that most of the patrons were running toward the door, leaving in a hurry. Vickie grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran toward the fire while Phillip talked to his buddy, Clyde Worthleston of Hooter Heights on the cell phone. While talking on the phone, with his back to the roaring fire, Phillip Douschebagger noticed that the gas valve behind the beer cooler was slightly open.
While reaching down to grab a beer, Phillip propped the cell phone against his ear and turned the gas valve... The wrong way.
That was his second mistake.
The gas ignited and blew the front windows, and most of the patrons of the bar that were still sitting at the bar, awaiting their free Thanksgiving dinner. Vickie Douschebagger was hurled out of the open door and landed in a water puddle in the parking lot, as it was raining outside pretty steadily. She looked over to see her husband, Phillip, sitting inside the front windshield of a '71 Camero that was parked across the street. In one hand he held the cell phone, and the other he held a bottle of Schitts Beer.
By this time, the entire pool hall and pub was in flames. The pool tables,their nice green felt now a burning mass of material, burned to the ground quickly.... As did the building.
By the time the Buzzardbait Fire Department and Bait Shop arrived, there was not much left of the business but a half-burnt Schitts Beer sign, and the falling ash of the pool hall/pub. Smoke hung low in the driving rain, so it was hard to see the damage until it had burnt itself out, which the fire department allowed it to do. They couldn't get the fire hydrant opened, and decided that the rain would put out the fire for them.
Phillip Douschebagger's third and final mistake came when he finally managed to get himself free of the Camero's windshield. As he stumbled across the road, where visibility was down to near zero, he didn't see the tandem gravel truck due to the smoke-coverage.
Phillip Douschebagger was taken to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where he's currently in traction. Since his jaw is wired shut, he had no comment for us at this time.
Vickie Douschebagger, who suffered cuts and abrasions from the blast, decided that she was leaving Phillip after 30 years of marriage, and will join a commune somewhere in Colorado. She had no further comment on the incident.
No word if the pool hall/pub will be rebuilt.
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