The end of an era in Buzzardbait

For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub has been a part of the community. Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger have tried to keep up with the latest trends over the years. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Then there was Disco Dancing, Slam Dancing (that ended after the first night as several patrons ended up in the local hospital). And they had a brief foray in punk country. Cleaning up the broken beer bottles proves more costly than actual beer sales and that ended within a few weeks. Then came Roller Boogie... But that went out of fashion fast as the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.

And then came Karaoke. And it was a hit!

Owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger then tried out Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. That didn't work out so well, so karaoke remained whereas the flip flops were tossed away.

Well, trying to keep up with current trends, the Douschebagger's decided that on Thanksgiving, they would deep-fry turkeys. Since the weather outside was less that appealing on Thanksgiving, Phillip Douschebagger brought the 55 gallon drum of oil inside the pool hall portion of the business and lit a fire under it. The fire was contained in a large metal box that was sitting on two 4x4's upon the tan, cigarette burnt carpeting.

The front door was open to vent the smoke, so he knew that everyone would be fine. Besides, the roaring fire inside the pool hall did give off precious heat to the many patrons gathered there for the Thanksgiving feast.

When the fire was hot, and the oil bubbling, Vickie Douschebagger brought the ten turkeys on a cart that she rolled across the dance floor. Phillip carefully places the first turkey in the boiling barrel of oil and saw that it was good. Just then, the phone rang, and Vickie Douschebagger went to answer it. It seems that by the time the second turkey was carefully placed into the boiling oil, Phillip Douschebagger decided that it was safe to put more in.

Vickie Douschebagger called from behind the bar that the phone call was for Phillip, so he proceeded to heft the tray of 8 remaining turkeys and dumped them into the 55 gallon drum of cooking oil at one time.

That was his first mistake.

As he sat the tray aside and moved toward the phone, Phillip Douschbagger hadn't noticed that the oil was now pouring over the side of the barrel and oozing down toward the roaring fire. Of course, he also didn't notice the flames shooting toward the ceiling tiles. They caught fire quickly, and the entire ceiling of the pool hall/pub was engulfed.

At that very moment, Vickie Douschebagger noticed that most of the patrons were running toward the door, leaving in a hurry. Vickie grabbed the fire extinguisher and ran toward the fire while Phillip talked to his buddy, Clyde Worthleston of Hooter Heights on the cell phone. While talking on the phone, with his back to the roaring fire, Phillip Douschebagger noticed that the gas valve behind the beer cooler was slightly open.

While reaching down to grab a beer, Phillip propped the cell phone against his ear and turned the gas valve... The wrong way.

That was his second mistake.

The gas ignited and blew the front windows, and most of the patrons of the bar that were still sitting at the bar, awaiting their free Thanksgiving dinner. Vickie Douschebagger was hurled out of the open door and landed in a water puddle in the parking lot, as it was raining outside pretty steadily. She looked over to see her husband, Phillip, sitting inside the front windshield of a '71 Camero that was parked across the street. In one hand he held the cell phone, and the other he held a bottle of Schitts Beer.

By this time, the entire pool hall and pub was in flames. The pool tables,their nice green felt now a burning mass of material, burned to the ground quickly.... As did the building.

By the time the Buzzardbait Fire Department and Bait Shop arrived, there was not much left of the business but a half-burnt Schitts Beer sign, and the falling ash of the pool hall/pub. Smoke hung low in the driving rain, so it was hard to see the damage until it had burnt itself out, which the fire department allowed it to do. They couldn't get the fire hydrant opened, and decided that the rain would put out the fire for them.

Phillip Douschebagger's third and final mistake came when he finally managed to get himself free of the Camero's windshield. As he stumbled across the road, where visibility was down to near zero, he didn't see the tandem gravel truck due to the smoke-coverage.

Phillip Douschebagger was taken to Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, where he's currently in traction. Since his jaw is wired shut, he had no comment for us at this time.

Vickie Douschebagger, who suffered cuts and abrasions from the blast, decided that she was leaving Phillip after 30 years of marriage, and will join a commune somewhere in Colorado. She had no further comment on the incident.

No word if the pool hall/pub will be rebuilt.