From the pages of The Curious Urinal

The Friday Interview:

Ian Hocum - Stellar Scientist.
By staff reporter Juan Motyme.

We here at The Curious Urinal were excited when NASA gave a press conference yesterday in Washington about an amazing discovery. Since The Curious Urinal couldn't obtain press credentials (because we aren't a real newspaper - the gall of some of those people), we looked for any scientist willing to sit down with us. After several attempts, we secured an exclusive interview with noted scientist and star mapper, Ian Hocum.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

IH: It's my pleasure.

CU: So, you have a really big announcement to make?

IH: Yes I do. If you consider how many stars are in the universe, and that is approximately 300 sextillion, then you can deduce from there..."

CU: Three hundred sextillion?

IH: Yes, that's 300 with 21 zeros behind it.

CU: That's a lot of stars!

IH: It certainly is.

CU: Sorry, do go on.

IH: As I was saying, with 300 sextillion stars in the universe, then can deduce from there that looking for life on a planet orbiting any one of those stars would be almost incalculable.

CU: I bet so!

IH: So, some fellow scientists decided that they would do a study out in California...

CU: Let me guess... San Francisco?

IH: No, but I know what you're thinking. Actually it was Mono Lake, where they discovered that a bug will grow in the presence of the toxic chemical arsenic when only slight traces of phosphorous are present.

CU: Interesting... I think.

IH: Very. But what's more interesting is that they have determined that Titan, the largest moon of Saturn, may have life on it based upon these findings in California!

CU: WOW!

IH: Wow is right. If the findings prove accurate, then we will have truly discovered alien life outside of planet Earth. There could also be life abundant on Mars or Europa, a moon of Jupiter. It's very exciting news!

CU: Could Pluto have ice men like The X-Men?

IH: Probably not. Again, we are talking about bacteria. Microbes wouldn't constitute ice men.

CU: So, in other words, microbes instead of ET's, right?

IH: Uh, yes.

CU: That just sucks!

IH: Well, I know, many people want there to be some cute alien that comes down here and eats Reece's Pieces, but honestly the best we can hope to find for now is microbes, yes.

CU: No little green men with little radio antennae sticking out of their heads?

IH: No.

CU: No pod people?

IH: Not as such, no.

CU: No mindless zombies that wander aimlessly while sucking the brains out of humans?

IH: That would be liberals, and again it's not likely outside of Earth.

CU: Well, why the hell am I wasting my time talking to you then?

IH: Because no one else would talk to a reporter from The Curious Urinal!

CU: Good point.

IH: You see, this is a huge breakthrough. It changes the probabilities for their being life on other planets. The possibilities for finding life, especially the primordial kind, are now even greater than we ever thought possible.

CU: But no Klingons? No Vulcans? No fish people with big, bulbous eyes that help blow up Death Stars?

IH: Sorry about that, but the probabilities at this point are pretty slim for aliens like that to be found.

CU: In that case, I suppose this interview is over.

IH: But we still have a lot to talk about!

CU: Does it involve alien spacecraft landing on Earth with ray guns shooting everything in sight and Slim Whitman records?

IH: Huh?

CU: Never mind. Have a great day.

Well, the answer is out there still. We just have to find the right people to ask, is all.