Friday, July 9, 2010

The Curious Urinal Interview:


Stinky the Fece-Throwing Monkey.

You probably don't know it, but local celebrity, Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey has seen his share of ups and downs over the years. In fact, sitting down with the megastar, he recounts his life in the business in this exclusive interview.

When we sat down last week to chat, Stinky had just arrived back in town. His work had taken him away from his home at the Buzzardbait Zoo for a few weeks. In that time, he shot his scenes for three upcoming feature films set for release next year. We asked him about the films and he said:

Stinky: “I can't talk about them due to contractual concerns. But next year, Stinky is back with a vengeance! That I can guarantee.”

CU: “So what can you tell us about your career that no one knows?”

Stinky: “Where to begin? Well, I suppose that A Chimpanzee Christmas Story was my break-out film. I played Ralphy, that adorable little monkey that wanted the Red Rider Banana Gun for Christmas. It wasn't easy to play the role, having no acting experience, but I muddled through it and that movie has since become a classic.”
















CU: “What about the next film?”

Stinky:Who Framed Chester Chimp? Now that was a funny movie. I was four years old and had two lines in the entire film. I still remember them too!”

CU: “What were they?”

Stinky:'Where's my banana?' and 'Who want's some poo?'

CU: “That was back in the days before you took your stage name?”

Stinky: “Yeah. I was just known as Stinky back then.”

CU: “So what happened from there?”

Stinky: “I got parts in several films back in the '80's that were pretty much standard roles. I was the boy monkey in Little Shop of Bananas. I had a small part in The Velveteen Chimp. Then I finally got to play a bigger role. The Great Monkey Caper made me a star, I suppose. From there, the roles came often.”

CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”

Stinky: “Please.”

CU: “Go on.”

Stinky: “I got a part in the epic Escape from New York Zoo. I was the bad ass kid that beat the snot out of Snake before he killed me. Then The Monkey Pit came along. I almost turned it down until I found out Tom Yanks was in it.”




CU: “Good actor!”

Stinky: “Very! After that – thanks for the banana smoothie – after that, I landed the plumb role of a lifetime. I was the star finally. Indiana Chimp and The Last Banana was the role of a lifetime. I got to be the hero and get the girl... And the banana too!”












CU: “That was a great movie!”

Stinky: “Thank you. After that, the roles kept coming in. I was in Robin Hood: Chimps in Tights. I played Friar Monk in that. Then there was When Harry met Stinky. Oh, now that was a fun movie to make!”

CU: “Again teaming up with Tom Yanks.”

Stinky: “Yes. He's great! After that, I was in An Officer and a Chimpanzee with Richard Gearbox. Then came Romancing the Ape, Repo Chimp, Gorillas in the Midst, The Color of Monkey with Paul Numman and Tom Clues... And then there's my personal favorite, Stinky and the Bandit! with Dirk Biddles.”

CU: And that ended the '80's in style!”

Stinky: “Yes. But that was when I started drinking too much. You know how Hollywood is? It's one big party and I got caught up in it all.”

CU: “But that was also when you did some of your best work.”

Stinky: “Well, yes. But I have to admit that it was difficult to get through the long shoots and the changes that I was going through personally. I was in my teens and partying into the wee hours with my friends, and I didn't show up for days at a time to film my parts.”

CU: “How bad was it?”

Stinky: “Well, I got to work with Tom Yanks yet again in Forrest Chimp. But I think he knew I was in trouble. He suggested I lay off the sauce and refocus my energy toward the movies. I tried so hard. I did Chimp Fiction with John Revolta and Samual L. Jackya, but I was partying so hard with Uma Furmann, that I lost sight of the fact that the director was unhappy with my work. Most of my scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. My part went from a large part to that of a supporting actor, and from there it was all downhill.”














CU: “You still worked though?”

Stinky: “Yes. I was in Silence of the Chimps. My favorite role in the '90's. I remember the line that made millions squeamish, 'I ate his liver... With some fava beans and a banana smoothie.' That was a delicious role. I actually was sober for most of that movie because of the intensity of the character.”

CU: “But that was when everything changed?”

Stinky: “Yes. After that, I did one other really decent film. The Cable Chimp with Jim Furry. But he and I didn't get along very well, and I began drinking openly and became very unpredictable. I began throwing poo most every day, and I was black-balled because I was such an ass to work with. And from there, the roles became fewer and far between. There was Tales of the Chimp, which was a really bad movie. After that, I did Attack of the Killer Bananas and And that stupid Biznee flick, That Darn Chimp. After that no one really wanted to have me in their films at all.”

CU: “So you went into TV?”

Stinky: “Yeah. That was a bad time too. I was drunk most of the time. I ended up as a semi-regular on Teenage Mutant Ninja Monkeys for a time. But I cold-cocked the director one day for knocking my drink over.”

CU: “Another Banana Smoothie?”

Stinky: “Thank you. These are really good.”

CU: “So, you were saying?”

Stinky: “Right. I was kicked off the set of the Mutant Monkeys show and got lucky and landed a small part in The Telemonkeys. But again, I got drunk on the set and they stuck me in C.A.

CU: “C.A.?”

Stinky:Chimpanzees Anonymous. It took some time, but I started to dry out. But I had a relapse on the set of The Mighty Morphin Power Monkeys and ended up in rehab. Six weeks of drying out and I came out clean and sober. From there, I landed a part that started to make my star shine again. Stinky and the Brain. I did two seasons of that before it was canceled. I felt really bad about that too, because it was a great little show. But the audience just wasn't there. The ratings sucked and that was it.”

CU: “Did you start drinking again?”

Stinky: “Big time. I was drinking Banana Daiquiris right and left. I was once again in denial and was trying to show the world my talent at the same time. I landed a role on a soap opera and I did that for a little while. Here I had been a major star and had sunk to the lowest point in my career doing a freakin' soap opera!”

CU: “You won a Daytime Emmy for your role though!”

Stinky: “I played the drunk on As the Chimp Turns. It wasn't a hard part to play. I simply fooled everyone by saying that I stayed in character all of the time. But when they discovered I was really drinking, they fired me on the spot! The last TV show I was on after that was Circus of the Network Has-Beens. From there, I disappeared into a bottle for a few years.”

CU: “What happened to change your life?”

Stinky: “Tom Yanks found me living under a viaduct one day as he was driving around in his sports car. He got me into the car and took me to rehab and paid to have me go through it. It was like he really wanted me to be free of the demon that had possessed me. And I owe him big time too!”

CU: “So now we are into the new century. You are clean and sober again, but something changed to turn your acting career in a new direction?”

Stinky: “Right. I met a young actor/rapper named Will Smiff. He was working on a movie and he told me that I had been the reason he wanted to be an actor in the first place. He saw me in Indiana Chimp and thought I was da bomb! He got the director to cast me in a film he was doing called Chimps In Black! From there, things started to roll again. But I decided that Stinky wasn't going to be just another comeback actor like Robert Downme Jr. I did something in that movie that got a lot of laughs, so I incorporated it into my stage name. It's a gimmick, but it works pretty well for me.”














CU: And Stinky the Feces-Throwing Monkey was the result!”

Stinky: “Exactly. And after that, I have been busy. I did all three of the Star Warped movies, the Chimptastic Four, and have done tons of TV shows too. Monkey Legal was fun. William Splatner is a hoot to work with. Then I was on Chimplock with Andy Grippit for several episodes. But the movies are my first love, so I concentrated more on that. I got to work with Tom Yanks again on his mega-hit film, The Chimpvinci Code, and worked with Will Smiff again on Independence Ape. I was the Chief in Chimpman Begins, and did a couple of the Harry Pothead movies too. And now, here I am, just off the plane and back for a vacation after filming three different movies. One of which will be big box office, I'm sure!”















CU: “I heard rumors that one of those films was The Chimpvengers movie!”

Stinky: “You heard right. But like I said, I can't really speak of the new ones yet. But I'll let you know when the press junkets begin, so you can get the interview when I'm allowed to talk about them. Besides, my agent would kill me if I did something crazy like that.”

CU: “B.A. Gorilla is still your agent, right?”

Stinky: Bad Ass is still my agent, and will continue in that role for as long as I can act.”

CU: “Stinky, I want to thank you for sitting down with me today.”

Stinky: “Could I get another Banana Smoothie before you go. These are damned good!”

CU: “Sure.”

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A conversation at Chez Marty's

“Good evening and welcome to Chez Marty's. I am your waiter, Jean Luc. What can I get for you wonderful people this evening?”

“Hey there, John Luke. Listen here, I'm hungrier that a shark in a pool full of fat people. I need me some steak!”

“Sir, you have come to the right place for meat. We have only the finest cuts of USDA Choice beef here at Chez Marty's!”

“Really? Watcha got?”

“Well, we have Chateaubriand, Delmonico, Filet mignon, Flank steak, Flatiron steak, Hanger steak, London Broil, New York strip, Porterhouse, Prime rib, Rib-eye, Sirloin steak, T-bone, and Tri-tip.”

“How about a T-Bone?”

“10 Ounce, 12 ounce or 16 ounce?”

“Better do the big one cause I'm hungrier that a broke-dick dog in a room full of bitches in heat!”

“Yes, of course. And how would you like that prepared? Well, medium well, or rare?"

"Looky here... I want you to go out and run that cow till he's good and hot, then catch him, light a match under that sucker and slap him on a plate!"

"Rare it is then."

"Damn skippy!"

"And for you madame?”

“I'm not very hungry. Do you have salads?”

“Madame, we have only the finest salads here at Chez Marty's.”

“What kinds do you have?”

“Madame, we have our house salad, a wonderful Caesar Salad, Bean Salad, Broccoli Salad, Chef Salad, Chicken Salad - American and Chinese styles, Cole Slaw, Congealed Salad, Cookie Salad, Crab Louie Salad, Egg Salad, Eggplant Salad, Fattoush, Fruit Salad, Gado-Gado, Greek Salad, Ham Salad, Israeli Salad, Larb, Nicoise Salad, Panzanella, Pasta Salad, Potato Salad, Russian Salad, Salmagundi Salad, Seven-layer Salad, Shopska Salad, Somen Salad, Som Tan, Gỏi ngó sen, Bouli, Taco Salad, Tuna Salad, Waldorf Salad and Watergate Salad.”

“I'll just have the house salad.”

“And what kind of dressing would you care for this evening?”

“I'm not sure. What kinds do you have?”

“Well... We have Blue Cheese, Ceasar, Diseased Yak Ejaculate, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, French, Honey Dijon, Hummus, Italian, Louis, Ranch, Rice Vinegar, Russian, Tahini, 10-W-40, Thousand Island, Vinaigrette, Wafu, and Whale Excrement.”

“Hmm? I think I'll just have the house salad with ranch dressing then.”

“Excellent choice. And what would you enjoy drinking with your meal tonight. We have many superb wines on our menu.”

“Got beer?”

“Sir, here at Chez Matry's, we have an extensive assortment of ales.”

“Like what?”

“Ahem, well, we have several types. It depends on if you desire an ale, a lager, pilsner, stout, bitters, cream ale or iced beer.”

“I want a regular beer!”

“I see. Would you prefer foreign or domestic?”

“I don't want some fereign beer. I want a real beer!”

“Yes. Well, we have several to choose from. Our bar is stocked with a vast assortment of domestic brews.”

“Whatcha got?”

“Ahem... We have the following: Black Label, Budweiser, Busch, Cat's Piddle, Coors, Genesee, Iron City, Keystone, Killians Red, Koch's, Lionshead, Michelob, Miller, Milwaukees Best, Old Horse Piss, Old Milwaukee, Old Style, Pabst, Red Dog, Red Dog Urine, Schaefer, Schitts, Schlitz, Schmidts, Stoney's, Straub Dark, and Stroh's. “

“How about a Bud?”

“Do you care for any particular type?

“Huh?”

“Sir, we have Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Ice, Bud Light, Bud Light Golden Wheat, Bud Light Lime, Bud Select and Bud Select 55.”

“I want a regular damned Bud!”

“And you madame?”

“I'll have the same.”

“Very good. I will get your orders in straight away.”

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

And now for something completely different...

It’s the book sensation that swept the world, and now it’s coming to a theater near you. The story of a young boy who has special powers; and whois sent away to a school for other gifted children like himself.

Once at the Hoggnutt’s School for Gifted Heads, Professor Fondledork, the ancient head of the school, notices this young boy and decided to take him under his wing... To teach the young lad all about his special powers.

"Professor?"

"Yes Harry?"

"I realize that you are older and wiser, and that you’re trying to teach me things that I do not know..."

"Yes?"

"Well, why do I have to learn while naked?"

"Why, young Harry, it's to rid yourself of all of the inhibitions that keep you from growing, of course. See this? Now you see that in my hands, you can grow... Oh yes! How you can grow!"

But along the way, the young boy meets his destiny and begins a journey into the unknown world of Cannabis. There, he stumbles upon Ned the Narc, who tries to turn the young boy into a Master Head of the Dark Weed.

"Hey Harry? I bet you didn’t know that I was the one who killed your father?

"And I bet you didn’t know that when you did, I became the head of the household!"

"Meaning?"

"Take a hit of this and tell me who’s higher!"

But the boy, whose destiny was sealed from birth, fights the Dark Master and prevails. And with the assistance of Professor Fondledork, the young man learns a valuable lesson. That when life hands you weeds, roll em up and smoke em.

"Take that, you bad man!"

"Is that all you have to offer, Harry?"

"Well, I do have this!"

"Hey, fire that thing up. I’ll get the roachclip! And I can get some Twinkies, some M&M’s and some beer, too!"

"Cool!"

"Harry?"

"Yes, Professor Fondledork?"

"Was that the Dark Master?"

"Why, yes... Yes it was!"

"I thought so. Take down your trousers, Harry."

"Why, Professor Fondledork?"

"So I can live up to my name, my boy!"

Nineteenth Century Weasel and Ganja Productions presents:

Harry Pothead and His Magic Wand!

"Harry, this wand of yours is so big!"

"Thanks, Professor."

Rated NC-17 for really sick and demented things that might make you go "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!"


Coming soon to a theater near you.


This is a paid advertisment:

Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company is having its annual Wonderful Home Sale.

This is a very homey mobile home nestled in the woods near Cooter Creek.

It has three bedrooms, one bath and is move-in ready. $69,950




This home is absolutely adorable. It is a quaint 3 bedroom, one bath home that needs a woman's touch.










As you can see, the inside is rather spacious despite the external view.












The kitchen was recently remodeled.














The bathroom is large and can accommodate up to 4 person family.














This home can be yours for $99,995.

So come on down to Honest Charlie Parker’s Real Estate Company, Located at Main and 5th in beautiful Downtown Buzzardbait.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Buzzardbait Hosts Major Concert

Somehow you might think that Buzzardbait wouldn’t draw major touring bands, but something strange happened, and the Buzzardbaitapalooza Concert at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog Last became a reality last night.

Lousyville was to have put on this major show, but at the last minute, fresh from being told that the concert was to be cancelled due to budgetary problems (lack of ticket sales), the Lousyville Fairgrounds booted the bands to the curb in favor of holding an Extreme Skateboard Competition.

So, the bands and their managers were about to pull up stakes and head out of Lousyville when Ammo County Road Commissioner Oliver Closoff (who was at the Lousyville Fairgrounds on business at the time) suggested that the bands follow him to Buzzardbait. He happened to know that nothing was going on at the Buzzardbait Fairgrounds and Mud Bog last night, and the bands could perform there.

And the rest, as they say, was history.

The concert was promoted on Buzzardbait Radio station, WBZZ. Local DJ and gas station attendant, Ben Gleck, began announcing the big show on his afternoon drive-time show, ‘The Ben Gleck Program.’ By the time the show was over, the crowd has already began flocking to the Fairgrounds and Mud Bog awaiting the beginning of Buzzardbaitapalooza.

Finally, the stage was set up and the lights went off. The crowd began cheering (someone mentioned free Schitts Beer and that made them cheer even louder) when Oliver Closoff stepped on stage and declared Buzzardbaitapalooza was officially beginning. He then proceeded to introduce the opening band.

The opening act, Harry Derriere and the Hirsute Hound Dogs, put on a ear-bleeding 45 minute set that was full of energy. With the band playing their complete repertoire in 30 minutes, they began playing other peoples music, some of which the crowd actually had heard of.

After their set ended and the stage reset for the next act, Oliver Closoff returned to the stage and issued the statement that Schitts Beer was going to be given away for free, but it would cost $5 for each of the tickets to obtain the free beer, limit one ticket per beer. The crowd immediately moved to the ticket window and shelled out the money for the free beer tickets. An estimated 4,500 tickets were purchased by the 300 people attending the show.

As the crowd drank and began loosening up, Oliver closoff introduced the next act. When Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molekats stepped up on stage, the crowd went wild. Sammy and the band, who have appeared in Buzzardbait on numerous occasions, put on their usual show. As usual, Sammy’s singing was off-key, and the band was a beat behind the drummer (who looked to be so stoned that he was propped up on the drummers throne with a broom handle). Other than that, the show was pretty much their standard fare. They played both of their hits, and most of the other songs that have filled their five CD’s (which can be found at Buzzardbait Music Store and Instrument Rentals, located at 5th and Main in downtown Buzzardbait).

Their hour long set ended on a high note as Sammy mooned the audience and declared herself the Queen of Rock n Roll. Then she proceeded to jump off of the stage into the crowd. Apparently the crowd wasn’t aware that they were to catch her and do the mosh pit thing. They let her drop to the ground like a brick. The good news is that she will be out of the hospital by tomorrow, but the broken bones will postpone the remainder of their North American Tour of Central Kentucky for several weeks.

Next up was a veteran rock warriors, Tarnished Plastic. Their heavy metal show was marred early on when half the light rigging dropped to the stage, crushing their keyboard player, Shorty Long. After the lights were hoisted back into place, and Shorty was checked out by the local EMT’s, the show went on. Shorty, grimacing in pain and bleeding profusely for most of the remainder of the show, managed to show off his talents at the keyboards by playing chopsticks with his nose while pulling out a piece of twisted metal from his head. Afterwards, he was bandaged up and autographed the metal fragment, tossing it out to an adoring fan.

After the stage was reset, the next act was introduced. Peter Pimple and The Zits haven’t toured in several years, but are currently in the midst of a reunion tour. Peter Pimple, who looks to be in his late 60's, screamed out that he was ready to rock and roll. No sooner than he said that, the band woke up and began playing. The Zits, all of whom also look to be in their late 60's, managed to rock the crowd until the bass players angina began acting up. The lead guitarist, who has severe arthritis, had to stop several time during his guitar solo to take some pain meds. The drummer, who looked every bit as healthy as the rest of the band, had to stop several times during the set to go to the bathroom. Peter Pimple, who no longer has acne but his face is severely disfigured by the scarring, huffed and said that he was kind of tired and needed a nap. The fifteen minute set wrapped up when Peter Pimple and the Zits rode off the stage on their Hover-Rounds.

And that left one last act. And he is also no stranger to Buzzardbait’s music scene.

Milo Days walked on stage to the delight of the cheering crowd and proceeded to guzzle a fifth of Dingleberry Wine before playing a note. He started his set with his signature song, ‘Dat Girl has Got’s Some Fine Breastessess Blues.’ After the first song, he drank another fifth of wine. In fact, in between each song he played, he chugged another fifth of Dingleberry Wine. After his fourth song, ‘I’s be Peeping Thru da Hole in da Wall Blues’ Milo passed out. He was carried offstage and the lights went up.

And with that, Buzzardbaitapalooza ended. Oliver Closoff, who made it all possible, was said to be thinking about retiring from the County Road Commissioner post and going into concert promotions. After witnessing this wonderful show, he may have a future in it too!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Local residents picket new restaurant.

The Church of Jose the Semi-Righteous in Downtown Poon Point went on the warpath when the new Big Dick’s Hot Dog Stand opened for business last week. Ever since then, the church members have walked a picket line in front of the restaurant, claiming the eatery is selling sex as well as hot dogs.

Owner, Richard ‘Dick’ Sathrobbin, shook his head and laughed during the interview. “How can anyone be offended by my hot dogs?” He pointed out the menu and said, “I mean, come on, The Little Wiener and the Big Dick Special are not what you’d call obscene! “

But other menu items include: The Big Dick and Balls (a Polish Sausage with two Italian meatballs served on the side), The Big Dick and Puss (The aforementioned Polish sausage and Catfish) and the house special, The John Holmes (a sixteen inch sausage smothered in onions and cheese). Other items include a large vanilla protein drink called the Big Dick Swallow. And then there’s the small chocolate shake called the Big Dick Mocha Ejaculate! Mr. Sathrobbin did say, “The only menu item I could saw that might offend these zealots would be the deep fried rabbit in a baked crust, known as the Hare Pie.”

The last restaurant that occupied the current location of Big Dick’s Hot Dog Stand was the old Phurr’s Restaurant, home of the Phurr-Burger! The Church of Jose the Semi-Righteous also picketed the establishment until it closed for good back in 1997. It reopened a week later in Buzzardbait and has been doing a good business ever since.

And in Sports:


LaBamba LaDouche, semi-retired pro wrestler and Hooter Heights resident, announced today the she was getting back into the ring once again to wrestle Mistress Irma Floppinpillows during Wrestlingmania 46. The big event will be held on July 19th at the Buzzardbait Arena and Flea Market.

Also on the card that night will be Big John Studmuffin vs. Smitty The Swampdweller, the Fabulous Taco Brothers in a grudge match vs. Larry ‘The Wanghammer’ Butski and Bruno Hockaloogy. Other matches include a 12-man Battle Royale and Texas Tornado Death match featuring Johnny ‘The Queen’ Honcho and 'Pretty Boy' Nick Glare. A Texas Tornado Death Match is a no-hold’s barred, fight to the finish with a ten minute time limit.

Tickets are going on sale next week!