A conversation at Chez Marty's

“Good evening and welcome to Chez Marty's. I am your waiter, Jean Luc. What can I get for you wonderful people this evening?”

“Hey there, John Luke. Listen here, I'm hungrier that a shark in a pool full of fat people. I need me some steak!”

“Sir, you have come to the right place for meat. We have only the finest cuts of USDA Choice beef here at Chez Marty's!”

“Really? Watcha got?”

“Well, we have Chateaubriand, Delmonico, Filet mignon, Flank steak, Flatiron steak, Hanger steak, London Broil, New York strip, Porterhouse, Prime rib, Rib-eye, Sirloin steak, T-bone, and Tri-tip.”

“How about a T-Bone?”

“10 Ounce, 12 ounce or 16 ounce?”

“Better do the big one cause I'm hungrier that a broke-dick dog in a room full of bitches in heat!”

“Yes, of course. And how would you like that prepared? Well, medium well, or rare?"

"Looky here... I want you to go out and run that cow till he's good and hot, then catch him, light a match under that sucker and slap him on a plate!"

"Rare it is then."

"Damn skippy!"

"And for you madame?”

“I'm not very hungry. Do you have salads?”

“Madame, we have only the finest salads here at Chez Marty's.”

“What kinds do you have?”

“Madame, we have our house salad, a wonderful Caesar Salad, Bean Salad, Broccoli Salad, Chef Salad, Chicken Salad - American and Chinese styles, Cole Slaw, Congealed Salad, Cookie Salad, Crab Louie Salad, Egg Salad, Eggplant Salad, Fattoush, Fruit Salad, Gado-Gado, Greek Salad, Ham Salad, Israeli Salad, Larb, Nicoise Salad, Panzanella, Pasta Salad, Potato Salad, Russian Salad, Salmagundi Salad, Seven-layer Salad, Shopska Salad, Somen Salad, Som Tan, Gỏi ngó sen, Bouli, Taco Salad, Tuna Salad, Waldorf Salad and Watergate Salad.”

“I'll just have the house salad.”

“And what kind of dressing would you care for this evening?”

“I'm not sure. What kinds do you have?”

“Well... We have Blue Cheese, Ceasar, Diseased Yak Ejaculate, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, French, Honey Dijon, Hummus, Italian, Louis, Ranch, Rice Vinegar, Russian, Tahini, 10-W-40, Thousand Island, Vinaigrette, Wafu, and Whale Excrement.”

“Hmm? I think I'll just have the house salad with ranch dressing then.”

“Excellent choice. And what would you enjoy drinking with your meal tonight. We have many superb wines on our menu.”

“Got beer?”

“Sir, here at Chez Matry's, we have an extensive assortment of ales.”

“Like what?”

“Ahem, well, we have several types. It depends on if you desire an ale, a lager, pilsner, stout, bitters, cream ale or iced beer.”

“I want a regular beer!”

“I see. Would you prefer foreign or domestic?”

“I don't want some fereign beer. I want a real beer!”

“Yes. Well, we have several to choose from. Our bar is stocked with a vast assortment of domestic brews.”

“Whatcha got?”

“Ahem... We have the following: Black Label, Budweiser, Busch, Cat's Piddle, Coors, Genesee, Iron City, Keystone, Killians Red, Koch's, Lionshead, Michelob, Miller, Milwaukees Best, Old Horse Piss, Old Milwaukee, Old Style, Pabst, Red Dog, Red Dog Urine, Schaefer, Schitts, Schlitz, Schmidts, Stoney's, Straub Dark, and Stroh's. “

“How about a Bud?”

“Do you care for any particular type?

“Huh?”

“Sir, we have Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Ice, Bud Light, Bud Light Golden Wheat, Bud Light Lime, Bud Select and Bud Select 55.”

“I want a regular damned Bud!”

“And you madame?”

“I'll have the same.”

“Very good. I will get your orders in straight away.”