BIG OSCAR NIGHT FOR BUZZARDBAIT
Story by Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
So there I was, dressed in my tuxedo, standing near the Red Carpet, microphone in hand, trying to get that interview with any number of celebrities. I heard a commotion, when out of nowhere came Sean Young. I asked her for a quick question, and she flipped me off.
Ah, Hollywood... Full of self absorbed movie stars and borderline talented reality stars.
I must have asked 30 or so supposed 'STARS' to field a question or two from this humble reporter, and had 30 or so rejections. All of the big celeb reporters were getting their questions answered--- Joan Rivers, working the Red Carpet like a shoe salesman at KMart, got all of her questions asked by all the stars that ambled by, yet this lone reporter was being snubbed. The would rather talk to that has-been, Joan Rivers, over me? The bitch!
Needless to say, it wasn't looking to be a good night for The Curious Urinal.
Then, here came Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey, and his date. Stinky, seeing how despondent I was, came up to me and granted me a few questions. He shunned Ryan Seacrest for little old me at The Curious Urinal. So, I asked him, "Why are you here?"
Stinky, true to form, replied, "The swag and the free banana daiquiris!" Then he answered, "Actually, I'm up for an Oscar for my role in the latest Planet of the Apes flick. I hear I have good odds to win the Oscar this year. I was disappointed last year when I was snubbed because Tom Clues had me edited out of his movie, Mission: Apepossible: Monkey Protocol! That just sucked! And to add insult to injury, he boosted Tommy the Trunk Monkey's role! Talk about a bitch!" He added, "Speaking of which, I hope they don't give an Oscar to Meryl Streep this year! That would suck even more!"
So Stinky gave me a wink, saying, "Women!" and waked away.
Later, Stinky the Feces-throwing Monkey won his Oscar.
Stinky, the Feces-throwing monkey accept the Academy Award for Best Primate in a movie about scientifically-mutated monkeys.
And that was it. I spent $600 on a lousy tuxedo rental, $1,800 in air travel, $2,000 on a swank room at the Holiday Inn and Suites, and I got one interview and one lousy picture. Oh well, at least I was here, rubbing elbows with the crowd that had gathered to gaze upon the vast array of Hollywood Stars.
Okay, so it wasn't a big night at the Oscars for Buzzardbait, but I did get to see Angelina Jolie's thigh, and that was worth all of the effort. I just hope the boss doesn't have a cow when he sees the expense report.
Here's the list of the 84th Annual Academy Award winners announced Sunday:
1. Best Picture: "The Artist."
2. Actor: Jean Dujardin, "The Artist."
3. Actress: Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady."
4. Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, "Beginners."
5. Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, "The Help."
6. Directing: Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist."
7. Foreign Language Film: "A Separation," Iran.
8. Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, "The Descendants."
9. Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris."
10. Animated Feature Film: "Rango."
11. Art Direction: "Hugo."
12. Cinematography: "Hugo."
13. Sound Mixing: "Hugo."
14. Sound Editing: "Hugo."
15. Original Score: "The Artist."
16. Original Song: "Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets."
17. Costume Design: "The Artist."
18. Documentary Feature: "Undefeated."
19. Documentary Short: "Saving Face."
20. Film Editing: "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."
21. Makeup: "The Iron Lady."
22. Animated Short Film: "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore."
23. Live Action Short Film: "The Shore."
24. Visual Effects: "Hugo."
25. Best Primate in a Movie about Scientifically-mutated Monkeys: Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey.
This Edition of The Curious Urinal was brought to you by:
Remember kids - There's a toy surprise in each and every box of Monkey Nuts Cereal! This time, we have 25 different versions of real, fake, artificial, faux Monkey Poop.
Collect them all!
Monkey Nuts Cereal - Another fine product of CCCoA
(Consolidated Cybernetics Corporation of America)
Buzzardbait, KY.
