Chris Christie, Sarah Palin Rule Out 2012 Presidential Runs
By Staff Reporter Willie Whacker
Well, it's official. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, this past Tuesday, declared, "Now is not my time, seriously!" Letting everyone know that he would indeed not be running for president in 2012.
The New Jersey governor, after denying for months that he had any serious interest in running, used a press conference in Trenton to further extinguish any speculation as to his interest in the race. He said the answer, "was never anything but 'no.' Seriously, it never has been!" He also acknowledged that he and his family had been compelled to "seriously rethink" that stance in recent weeks given the seriously intense pressure on the governor to throw his hat in the ring.
Meanwhile, Wednesday night, Sarah Palin finally decided to not run for president. Almost immediately thereafter, left-wing bloggers were laid-off all over the country, and MSNBC's dismal ratings moved further south. They now have three viewers.
And update on this story.
Chris Christie held another press conference on Wednesday, after Sarah Palin's announcement, to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!
Occupy Wall Street Meets Occupy Buzzardbait!
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Right now, even as you read this article, there are people who continue their protests against corporate America.
Protesters from Occupy Buzzardbait camped out in Buzzardbait Park and Water Treatment Plant overnight.
Police were keeping an eye on the group for hours last night, but eventually decided to let them camp out even though they did not have a permit to do so.
Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police laughed, saying, "Look at these pathetic excuses for human beings. If any of these slackers can stand the stench of this place, let them camp out and protest. Hell, they deserve whatever they breathe in!"
Earlier in the day as many as 4 people took part in the protests.
Emily Mushead of Hooter Heights is one of the protesters. She said, "Rich people suck!"
Tom Slacker is another protester, who added, "We want rich people to pay their fair share!"
When asked how much they paid in taxes, Suzie Poosey said, Taxes? Like who really pays taxes? I thought the president had like a stash of cash and just spent it, like, for stuff."
When I suggested that people who actually work for a living paid taxes, the fourth protester, Jimmy Worthless of Poon Point added, "I don't got no job, and don't want one either, man!"
These kids are our future. God help us!
This just in:
Chris Christie held another press conference Thursday to confirm that after more serious thought, he is still not running for president in 2012!
In Other News
Cat House Karaoke?
Smokey, the adorable kitten, sang a couple of tunes last night in the Strike and Suds Karaoke Contest. The cat won over the crowd, singing a cover of Jim Croce's Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and a heartfelt rendition of Baby Got Back!
Smokey won the contest and $50.
In addition to winning the contest, Smokey won over the heart of a woman... Who snatched the cat up and ran out the door.
Mildred Dorkpounder, with her husband, Hansel, who disappeared shortly after she opened her first restaurant, Fried Dork on a Stick!
The catnapper was none other than Mildred Dorkpounder of Hooter Heights, who recently opened a restaurant called, Fried Cat on a Stick! She eluded the police for hours. Finally, Detective Inspector of the Buzzardbait Police Department, located Mrs. Dorkpounder... Just after she had deep-fried Kitty on a stick, and was using the stick to pick her teeth.
Since there was no evidence, other than some fur and bones, Mildred Dorkpounder was released from custody.
The disappearance of her husband, Hansel, is still a mystery. Mildred Dorkpounder said that Hansel had left her for some quiet time at Big Al's Titty Emporium, and has been missing now for three years. Buzzardbait Police still have no clues, other than some old clothing and bones they found behind the restaurant.
In a related story, several cats have come up missing in recent days. Ammo County Animal Control officers noticed the cat population had dwindled as of late, but they have no idea what has happened to them.
This Just In...
Chris Christie held another press conference late last night to confirm he is still seriously not running for president in 2012! Seriously!
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This just in:
Chris Christie is seriously planning yet another press conference for Sunday morning to confirm his confirmation that after more seriously serious thought, he is seriously still not seriously running for president in 2012! And he's serious about it this time!
