WEINERGATE FORCES RESIGNATION
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
It's official - Rep. Anthony Weiner has resigned from the U.S. House. In his speech, Weiner said, "I have never forgotten my neighbors because they represent the same middle class story as mine. And you know, we all like to drop our pants from time to time and take a picture or two, sending them to strangers on the Internet we want to have sex with."
He went on to say, "I went to public schools my whole life. My mother was a school teacher for 32 years. My father went to law school on a GI bill. The middle class story of New York is my story and I'm very proud of that. I'm also proud of my package, and thus I like to snap a few pics of it and send it out to women all over America." He then dropped his trousers and snapped a pic, tweeting it to a 'friend' in Seattle.
Weiner made his statement at a Brooklyn senior center. He was met by cheers from some of the women in the room, and one very effeminate man, as well as being heckled by some in the packed room.
Weiner, the seven-term New York Democrat, then went on to suggest that he would take a time out to redirect his energy... Offline as opposed to online.
"Today I am announcing my resignation from Congress, so my colleagues can get back to work, taxing Americans into the poor house, making stupid laws and ruining the economy. And my neighbors can choose a new representative who might actually do some work on their behalf. And most importantly that my wife and I can continue to deal with the damage I have caused. She's already threatened me with a divorce and also said something about shoving a red hot poker up my ass. But this new free time I'll have should give me more time to pursue my photography hobby," Weiner continued speaking to the bored crowd.
Someone in the crowd shouted, "Take 'em off and show that puppy!" The effeminate man then brought out his binoculars to get a better view.
Although Weiner at first denied he had anything to do with sending any pictures to anyone, he later came clean and announced not only had he sent the pics, but he had been 'chatting' with a former porn actress/stripper among others (including a 17 year old that could land him in hot water if charges are brought against him). The porn actress/stripper, later identified as Ginger Lee, came out and said that she fully intended to enjoy her 15 minutes of fame by making sure the Weiner-man paid for his dirty deeds. Famed attorney, Gloria Allred, sitting by the woman's side, then began charging $10 per picture of the porn queen, and $15 with an autograph.
Weiner was repeatedly interrupted during his statement by a heckler who made it difficult for the humiliated congressman to finish all of his sentences. The heckler, who was later identified as an out of work comedian names Nipsy Smith, was taken outside and summarily beaten by some SEIU goons.
Weiner continued his boring speech, saying, "I got into politics to help give voice to the many who simply didn't have one. Well, that and to get lots of women, power, money and strippers. Now I'll be looking for other ways to contribute my talents to make sure that we live up to that most New York and American of ideals... Making easy money and sexting with strange women." He then dropped his pants and mooned the audience. The effeminate man fainted and was taken to a local New York bath house and enema bar to be tended to.
The rumor mill has it that Weiner may run for New York Mayor, or get his own MSNBC news show.
It's time once again for:
What They Say and What They Really Mean
What They Say:
Local Gynecologist, Dr. Willie "Buster" Hyman, is showing the people of Buzzardbait that he is a very charitable man. This week, he is giving free gynecological exams to any new patient.
Dr. Hyman recently was on TV promoting his services, and has been seen on other network shows recently. His vast knowledge of women's issues makes Dr. Hyman someone trusted in the community.
Visit Buzzardbait Clinic and Lube and Oil for your free exam. Located at 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait.
What They Really Mean:
Local Gynecologist, Dr. Willie "Buster" Hyman, is showing the people of Buzzardbait that he is a very charitable man (Basically by ripping them off during the times he isn't being charitable, and then using other peoples money when he suddenly feels guilty). This week, he is giving free gynecological exams to any new patient (He's tired of looking at the same old parts of the same old women, and decided he needed some new parts to look at).
Dr. Hyman recently was on TV promoting his services (Cable Access Channel 69, seen by over three people monthly), and has been seen on other network shows recently (Most recently on America's Most Wanted and the 6 o'clock news for a string of home invasions and having sex with a goat). His vast knowledge of women's issues makes Dr. Hyman someone trusted in the community (Just not this community).
Visit Buzzardbait Clinic and Lube and Oil for your free exam (Make sure and bring $50 cash with you because you will have to enroll in Dr. Hyman's Special Insurance Policy which cost $50 a week for 50 years, or whenever you die, whichever comes first). Located at 5th and Main in Downtown Buzzardbait (Next to Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand and across the street from Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes).
This week's Curious Urinal Report has been brought to you by:
Monkey Nuts Cereal
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