The Vice Presidential debate between Vice President Joe Biden, and his Republican challenger, Paul Ryan, was little more than a prelude to the November 6 election, when we get to vote for whoever seems more intelligent. From the looks of the debate on Thursday night, the choice will be clear.
Joe Biden, fresh out of Ritalin, came out of the gate like a wildman, interrupting Paul Ryan over 80 times in the 90 minute debate. ABC News Moderator, Martha Libleaner, aided Biden by duct-taping Paul Ryan's mouth shut after his opening comments.
"Anyone who watched the debate would swear that the vice president was clearly the winner. I'd vote for him!" Biden said in a post-debate interview.
In Local News:
More than 10 peanut products have now been recalled because they may contain Salmonella bacteria, U.S. health officials say.
The recalled products all contain peanut butter made at Buzzardbait Peanut Products and Soiled Diaper Cleaning Service Inc., a manufacturing company in Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Today, the Food and Drug Administration said Salmonella bacteria has been found in samples taken from the company's production plant.
Buzzardbait Peanut Products and Soiled Diaper Cleaning Service Inc. recalled about 10 of its products in late September because they may have been contaminated with Salmonella. Today, the recall was reissued. When asked, Owner Saul Brickbutt replied, "It's because the illegal immigrants that work here do not wash their hands after defecating, and routinely stick their crap-covered hands in the peanut butter vats. I wouldn't eat a f**kin' thing that these dirty bastards have a hand in!"
Here is the full list of products involved in the recall:
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Creamy
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Crunchy
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Chunky
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Green with Hunks of ground Beef.
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - With Jelly
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - With Jelly and Ground Beef
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - With Sodium Vibrofoam and Beets
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Tobacco-Flavored Cumquat and Lemon Beets
Uncle Saul's Kosher Dill Peanut Butter - Tobacco-Flavored Cumquat and Lemon Beets in a Prune Sauce
Buzzardbait Peanut Butter and Ketchup
Buzzardbait Greasy Peanut Butter Cups
Buzzardbait Greasy Peanut Butter Cups with Bacon
Buzzardbait Greasy Peanut Butter Cups and Pork Rinds
If you have purchased any of these items, take them back to the store you purchased them from and ask them to refund your money. Once they stop laughing, realize that your life is more important that getting your money back or suing someone because a bunch of filthy illegal immigrants who don't wash their hands is just sad!
In Other News:
Michigan authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from an apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.
In a related story, Buzzardbait Fire and Rescue reports that a Hooter Heights man was cooking a ferret with a blowtorch yesterday when he burnt his trailer to the ground. According to the unnamed man, we will call Fred, but his real name is Fred Gorbalooski, said the ferret, belonging to his next door neighbor, had been taunting him for weeks, and he was not about to let the ferret get away with it anymore.
Little Timmy Lardbottem of Hooter Heights, the owner of the pet ferret named "Rascal" said that although the ferret was slightly cockeyed, the ferret was normally quiet and would never taunt his neighbors.
Fred Gorbalooski, sat inside his Hooter Heights trailer, with the freshly skewered ferret, and was about to enjoy ferret on a stick, when the accident occurred, resulting in the total loss of his home. Gorbalooski, recently released from Buzzardbait Sanitarium and Pawn Shop, took issue with the ferret, and stalked the caged animal for at least ten minutes before shoving the stick up the poor animals rectum. Once that was accomplished, Gorbalooski then carried the animal back to his trailer and began burning the fur away from the animal with the blowtorch, igniting the fire on his couch.
Now in police custody, Gorbalooski said in his defense, "Look, I always watch Wheel of Fortune at dinner time, and I was not going to miss it while cooking the ferret in the kitchen. So, I took the little varmint into the living room and tried to cook him there. I may sue the family because their ferret caused me to burn my trailer down!"
