A Special Edition of The Curious Urinal

Local Residents Celebrate 4th of July

Here we are once again. It’s the July Fourth weekend, and local residents are celebrating in the usual ways. People are preparing to cook out, making those last minute runs to the store for buns, or ice. Children are running around Buzzardbait Park carrying sparklers, and anticipating larger fireworks later in the evening. Some are heading out to the lake to fish, while others are heading out to visit friends or family.

But one of the residents of Buzzardbait is celebrating the holiday the same way he celebrates every day. He has to be the most patriotic resident in town.

His name is Wilber Oltymer, and when I saw him, he had just raised the Stars and Strips in front of his humble home. I walked up and asked him what his plans were for the Fourth. He gave me a curious smile and said, “You know, people can celebrate the day in a lot of ways, but most people never remember what the holiday is really all about.”

He led me to the front porch and we sat as he began, “Our forefathers brought forth to this continent a new nation, sacrificing their fortunes, their good names and their sacred honor, and in many cases their lives, to establish America - the greatest nation on the face of the earth.” He sipped at a glass of lemonade and pointed toward the flagpole. "You see the flagpole there? I put that up after I moved back home. I was fresh out of the Marines, where I did three tours of duty in Vietnam. I came home and had to take care of my parents. Now there were two patriotic people. My father served in World War Two. He won the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star. He rescued several of his fellow troops while they were taking out a Nazi machine gun bunker. My father was shot thirteen times in the process of rescuing his brothers in arms.”

“My mother was a nurse at a MASH unit. She tended to his wounds and they discovered that they were from the same area. After the war, they moved here and got married, and had me a year later. Things were a lot simpler back in those days. You could live the American Dream and not have too many problems. Of course that was a different time.” He said, “When they passed away, I took this house and put that flagpole up. It was my way of honoring their service to the nation and in honor of them as my parents.”

He again looked at the flag and said, “You know, nowadays, too many people take this country for granted. Some protest it and call it names. Some just use it and drain it dry. Some people apologize for its arrogance; bowing down to foreign leaders. Then you have those that would do harm to America. Those fools that would love to change it into something else, or simply see it die. Those people who hate America and want to change it or destroy it had better beware. Because there are still people, like me, who will fight for her. Those that would sacrifice there fortunes, their good names and their sacred honor to defend her. And yes, those that would die for her. You see that with every person that puts on the uniform of the Armed Forces. They love this country, just like I do!” He added, “And I will gladly fight for my country again to make sure that those who would do America harm would not prevail!”

He glanced back up to the flag, fluttering gently in the simmer breeze and sighed. “My wife had gone to New York to visit some family back in September of 2001. And her sister had taken her to the World Trade Center to tour it. That was on 9/11. They never made it out of Building One after the plane hit it.” He stopped a moment and wiped a stray tear away. “My sons, Charlie and Andy were fresh out of high school and were about to start college. They decided to join the military instead. They volunteered to go to Iraq and Afghanistan instead. Charlie was in Bagdad when a roadside bomb blew his Humvee to bits. Andy is still in Afghanistan, trying to help liberate that nation. I’m very proud of them all.”

He stood up and shook my hand as he fought back his tears. He thanked me for listening, and walked inside of the house.

As I walked off the front porch, I looked up at the flag and smiled. America may have its problems, but it is still the Greatest Nation on the face of the Earth! And for those of us who were lucky enough to have been born here, or for those that immigrated here to become citizens, we should all be thankful that we live here, in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave!

Happy 4th of July. God Bless America!

Big things happening at the zoo!

The Buzzardbait Zoo is open, and boy what a difference a year makes. Last season, the zoo hardly got any traffic. But this year, the people are coming out in droves.

Why, you ask?

Wally World has opened a small Super-Duper Store inside of the Zoo. Store Manager, Anita Whoopin, said that it made sense to construct the Super-Duper Store inside of the zoo, so that patrons of both could enjoy both the shopping experience and the zoo animals at the same time.

Here are some of the pics or staff photographer, Juan Motyme, took of the festivities.









This baby is enjoying himself at the zoo.













This little girl won a big prize at the 'Sex Life Under the Seas' game booth.













Dad looks on as one of his beloved children rides the Tilt and Hurl Ride in the 'African Safari' exhibit.








Inside the Wally World, Mom and child enjoy great bargains and together time.










This little boy is getting his picture made inside the Wally World Picture Studio. Linda the Lioness seems to be taking it all in stride.













Dad and daughter end a happy day at the zoo, heading out to have dinner at the Exotic Steakhouse across the parking lot.

Local Establishment Tries Out New Format

For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub have tried to keep up with the latest trends. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Although the rocks tended to be tossed at the lame Country/Western singers that appeared on the weekends back in the day. Then there was Disco Dancing. The Pool tables all had to be re-felted most every week. Then there was Roller Boogie, but the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.

And then came Karaoke.

Now, Karaoke is being added to, as owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger try out the latest craze that's sweeping the nation... Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing.

Considered an extreme sport, Flip Flop Dancing has fast becoming both a fantastic dancing style and a dangerous sport to participate in. The constant tripping and falling is compounded by the drinking and Karaoke Singing. It makes this the most Extreme of Extreme Sports!

Phillip Douschebagger insisted that since their floors are carpeted, except for the dance floor, and around the bar area, the danger of falls are lessened to a degree, but those that choose to participate in this dangerous sport are asked to sign waivers as not to sue the establishment if the participants get injured during the course of their participation.

So, this reporter decided to stop in this past Saturday night to witness first-hand the craze called Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. After ordering a bucket of beers (Schitts, of course), I sat at a nearby table and watched as the fun began.

First up was Phillip Douschebagger, the owner. He wanted to demonstrate how this new craze worked. He had been drinking since noon, so he was primed to show-off his talents. After beginning to belt-out 'Drinking White Lightning' by Jonas George, he began dancing about in his flip flops. After just a few steps, Mr. Douschebagger began to falter. He tripped, falling head-first into the table nearest the stage and split his skull. As blood gushed from the wound, the crowd applauded respectfully.

After being carried out by EMS (who are on site the entire time during Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing Nights), Erma Clappgiver came up and began singing 'Hey, Help Me I've Fallin' (and can't reach my beer)' by Patsy Clunk. After only three bars of the song, she stepped on her own foot, twisted around and fell into the speakers. As she lay bleeding (with a mild electrical shock to boot), EMS hauled her away, tending to her wounds.

After the speakers were reset. the next contestant came up. It was Erma Buktoof. She is fresh out of jail for the melee the Pool Hall endured a couple of months ago (see 4/28/2010 edition) and ready for some fun. She began singing a Lady Gagme song entitled, 'I Luvs Me Some Prison Bitch' when her date (Lorna Muffdiver, whom she met in jail) began a table dance. Distracted by this, Erma Buktoof stepped on her own flip flop. She pitched forward, her head going between Lorna Muffdiver's legs, knocking her off the table and onto the adjacent table. The tables occupants were members of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club.

A fight soon ensued.

Carefully grabbing my bucket of Schitts beers, I stepped away from the fracas before I became involved.

Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson was the first to react. He grabbed Erma Buktoof by the hair and slung her into the wall. Lorna Muffdiver quickly reached for a beer bottle and crowned “Big Pole” Johnson in the head, sending him sprawling onto the next table. That table was occupied by a group of nuns from Our Lady of Perpetual Agony at St. Buffy's Church over in Hooter Heights. They had dropped by to witness the event and have a few Schitts Beers. The nuns quickly began clubbing the remaining bikers in the heads with chairs and the police were called to break up the fight.

Meanwhile, Vickie Douschebagger tried to get the crowd to stop fighting by getting up and singing 'The Night They Drove Dixie Down to the Bus Station' By Montana Ernie Snuff. She was immediately tackled by Vonda Lukatmytush for the fact that she had planned on singing the very same song later. Jack Midick, in the meantime, reached behind the bar and grabbed a whiskey bottle and hit Roscoe Harritung across the back of his head for no apparent reason. The police arrived soon after and began hauling away the brawlers. That left me and Ivana Jercoff, who had been in the bathroom the entire time, with a bad case of the squirts.

Seeing that we were the only two left in the Pool Hall/Pub, we proceeded to tidy up the place. After cleaning up the blood, the broken glass and emptying the ashtrays, we locked the joint up; taking a few bottles of Schitts Beers with us for our troubles. Later, we ended up in a motel in Lousyville, drinking the Schitts Beers and trying out sexual positions we saw while watching pay-per-view porno. She then went home, and I did the same.

Thus ends another night of fun at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.

Medical update:

Phillip Douschebagger received 470 stitches to the head and is currently in a coma at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center.

Erma Clappgiver was treated and released for a mild electrocution and second degree burns to her tushy.

Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson and the rest of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club are currently in the ICU of the Lousyville General Hospital for various injuries sustained in the brawl with the nuns.

Police Report:

Erma Buktoof and Lorna Muffdiver are both back behind bars for inciting a riot, a misdemeanor, and will face Judge Hugh Harshly Thursday morning for their bail hearing.