Local Establishment Tries Out New Format

For years, the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub have tried to keep up with the latest trends. They were first in the area to sell Pet Rocks. Although the rocks tended to be tossed at the lame Country/Western singers that appeared on the weekends back in the day. Then there was Disco Dancing. The Pool tables all had to be re-felted most every week. Then there was Roller Boogie, but the space was too small for roller skating and the plate glass windows had to be replaces too often.

And then came Karaoke.

Now, Karaoke is being added to, as owners Phillip and Vickie Douschebagger try out the latest craze that's sweeping the nation... Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing.

Considered an extreme sport, Flip Flop Dancing has fast becoming both a fantastic dancing style and a dangerous sport to participate in. The constant tripping and falling is compounded by the drinking and Karaoke Singing. It makes this the most Extreme of Extreme Sports!

Phillip Douschebagger insisted that since their floors are carpeted, except for the dance floor, and around the bar area, the danger of falls are lessened to a degree, but those that choose to participate in this dangerous sport are asked to sign waivers as not to sue the establishment if the participants get injured during the course of their participation.

So, this reporter decided to stop in this past Saturday night to witness first-hand the craze called Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing. After ordering a bucket of beers (Schitts, of course), I sat at a nearby table and watched as the fun began.

First up was Phillip Douschebagger, the owner. He wanted to demonstrate how this new craze worked. He had been drinking since noon, so he was primed to show-off his talents. After beginning to belt-out 'Drinking White Lightning' by Jonas George, he began dancing about in his flip flops. After just a few steps, Mr. Douschebagger began to falter. He tripped, falling head-first into the table nearest the stage and split his skull. As blood gushed from the wound, the crowd applauded respectfully.

After being carried out by EMS (who are on site the entire time during Karaoke Flip Flop Dancing Nights), Erma Clappgiver came up and began singing 'Hey, Help Me I've Fallin' (and can't reach my beer)' by Patsy Clunk. After only three bars of the song, she stepped on her own foot, twisted around and fell into the speakers. As she lay bleeding (with a mild electrical shock to boot), EMS hauled her away, tending to her wounds.

After the speakers were reset. the next contestant came up. It was Erma Buktoof. She is fresh out of jail for the melee the Pool Hall endured a couple of months ago (see 4/28/2010 edition) and ready for some fun. She began singing a Lady Gagme song entitled, 'I Luvs Me Some Prison Bitch' when her date (Lorna Muffdiver, whom she met in jail) began a table dance. Distracted by this, Erma Buktoof stepped on her own flip flop. She pitched forward, her head going between Lorna Muffdiver's legs, knocking her off the table and onto the adjacent table. The tables occupants were members of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club.

A fight soon ensued.

Carefully grabbing my bucket of Schitts beers, I stepped away from the fracas before I became involved.

Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson was the first to react. He grabbed Erma Buktoof by the hair and slung her into the wall. Lorna Muffdiver quickly reached for a beer bottle and crowned “Big Pole” Johnson in the head, sending him sprawling onto the next table. That table was occupied by a group of nuns from Our Lady of Perpetual Agony at St. Buffy's Church over in Hooter Heights. They had dropped by to witness the event and have a few Schitts Beers. The nuns quickly began clubbing the remaining bikers in the heads with chairs and the police were called to break up the fight.

Meanwhile, Vickie Douschebagger tried to get the crowd to stop fighting by getting up and singing 'The Night They Drove Dixie Down to the Bus Station' By Montana Ernie Snuff. She was immediately tackled by Vonda Lukatmytush for the fact that she had planned on singing the very same song later. Jack Midick, in the meantime, reached behind the bar and grabbed a whiskey bottle and hit Roscoe Harritung across the back of his head for no apparent reason. The police arrived soon after and began hauling away the brawlers. That left me and Ivana Jercoff, who had been in the bathroom the entire time, with a bad case of the squirts.

Seeing that we were the only two left in the Pool Hall/Pub, we proceeded to tidy up the place. After cleaning up the blood, the broken glass and emptying the ashtrays, we locked the joint up; taking a few bottles of Schitts Beers with us for our troubles. Later, we ended up in a motel in Lousyville, drinking the Schitts Beers and trying out sexual positions we saw while watching pay-per-view porno. She then went home, and I did the same.

Thus ends another night of fun at the Buzzardbait Pool Hall and Pub.

Medical update:

Phillip Douschebagger received 470 stitches to the head and is currently in a coma at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center.

Erma Clappgiver was treated and released for a mild electrocution and second degree burns to her tushy.

Johnny “Big Pole” Johnson and the rest of the Buzzardbait Bad Ass Bikers Club are currently in the ICU of the Lousyville General Hospital for various injuries sustained in the brawl with the nuns.

Police Report:

Erma Buktoof and Lorna Muffdiver are both back behind bars for inciting a riot, a misdemeanor, and will face Judge Hugh Harshly Thursday morning for their bail hearing.