The Curious Urinal 7/8/2011
Well, it’s that time once again… Maestro, timpani please…
It time to check the Old Mail Bag!
Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.
Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?
Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.
Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, RI.
Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?
Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.
Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.
It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?
Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, NF
Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.
Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!
And now for something completely different
To most of the civilized world, the three S’s mean Shit, Shower and Shave.
But to those unfortunate few, SSS means Spastic Sphincter Syndrome. This horrific disease is debilitating and can be embarrassing as well.
Imagine you’re out having dinner with a lady friend (or male friend, if you happen to swing that way), and while your sitting there, admiring the look in their eyes, it happens. You have a colon blow right there at the table. The shit spews forth with the velocity of a speeding bullet down you pants leg and the god-awful smell permeates the entire restaurant. As you turn red with utter embarrassment, the oozing feces, resembling a thick (but runny) meat stew begins to run out of your pants leg and onto the nice clean floor of the restaurant. The kibbles of undigested peanuts are now piling around your shoes. In fact, some are in your shoes. Corn chunks from yesterday’s lunch are pelting against you ankles and spattering upon the floor. You cringe as you feel the wet, dirty water running down your calf as the contents of your bowels pour out in a flood of fecal matter.
And then you try to stand up, only to feel the gooshy ooze from your anus dribbling between your butt cheeks in large drips. Your underwear is full and the flotsam of fecal matter spills out and continues to run down your legs like Niagara Falls. You immediately run for the bathroom, leaving a brown, disgusting trail in your wake. The other patrons of the restaurant are now either sickened to the point of vomiting, or laughing hysterically at your misfortune.
This is a common occurrence for many with SSS (Spastic Sphincter Syndrome). But there is hope.
Research is going on at Buzzardbait University and Laundromat to improve the lives of those who suffer this horrendous disease. And with your help, these poor bastards can lead half-way normal lives. Those of us who haven’t experienced the nightmare that is SSS can only imaging (or laugh our asses off) at the misfortune these people suffer from. But with a generous donation, SSS can be treated. For a gift of only $25 a day, butt plugs can be purchased so that the afflicted can lead normal lives (although in much pain and a really funny walk). And for donations of $50 a day or more, Adult Diapers and wet wipes can be purchased also.
So, try to imagine yourself in such a predicament and pull out that checkbook.
Make your donations to “SSS Research Fund”- 7734 Leaky Anus Road, Buzzardbait, KY.
A sphincter is a terrible thing to spew!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
The boss on vacation - Part two.
The Curious Urinal 7/4/2011
The Special 4th of July Edition
This is the second half of the boss' vacation log.
Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!
9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.
12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.
1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.
2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.
3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!
3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!
5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.
9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.
11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.
3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!
Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.
10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!
11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!
12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!
1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!
1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.
3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!
6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?
7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.
Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment. My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.
11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!
3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!
6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!
6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!
In honor of July Fourth Holiday...
Let's all remember the people that made this nation what it is: Our Founding Fathers (and Mothers too!), and the military (past and present) that served this nation for all of us to be free.
Remember that we are a nation of many who have come and gone before us that fought to create a free nation and keep it that way. Never allow our politicians to take those freedoms away from us, otherwise we will become a nation of slaves!
Happy Birthday America!
The Special 4th of July Edition
This is the second half of the boss' vacation log.
Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!
9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.
12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.
1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.
2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.
3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!
3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!
5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.
9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.
11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.
3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!
Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.
10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!
11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!
12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!
1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!
1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.
3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!
6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?
7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.
Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment. My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.
11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!
3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!
6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!
6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!
In honor of July Fourth Holiday...
Let's all remember the people that made this nation what it is: Our Founding Fathers (and Mothers too!), and the military (past and present) that served this nation for all of us to be free.
Remember that we are a nation of many who have come and gone before us that fought to create a free nation and keep it that way. Never allow our politicians to take those freedoms away from us, otherwise we will become a nation of slaves!
Happy Birthday America!
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