The Curious Urinal 7/8/2011

Well, it’s that time once again… Maestro, timpani please…

It time to check the Old Mail Bag!

Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.

Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?

Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.

Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, RI.

Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?

Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.

Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.

It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?

Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, NF

Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.

Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!

And now for something completely different
 
To most of the civilized world, the three S’s mean Shit, Shower and Shave.

But to those unfortunate few, SSS means Spastic Sphincter Syndrome. This horrific disease is debilitating and can be embarrassing as well.

Imagine you’re out having dinner with a lady friend (or male friend, if you happen to swing that way), and while your sitting there, admiring the look in their eyes, it happens. You have a colon blow right there at the table. The shit spews forth with the velocity of a speeding bullet down you pants leg and the god-awful smell permeates the entire restaurant. As you turn red with utter embarrassment, the oozing feces, resembling a thick (but runny) meat stew begins to run out of your pants leg and onto the nice clean floor of the restaurant. The kibbles of undigested peanuts are now piling around your shoes. In fact, some are in your shoes. Corn chunks from yesterday’s lunch are pelting against you ankles and spattering upon the floor. You cringe as you feel the wet, dirty water running down your calf as the contents of your bowels pour out in a flood of fecal matter.

And then you try to stand up, only to feel the gooshy ooze from your anus dribbling between your butt cheeks in large drips. Your underwear is full and the flotsam of fecal matter spills out and continues to run down your legs like Niagara Falls. You immediately run for the bathroom, leaving a brown, disgusting trail in your wake. The other patrons of the restaurant are now either sickened to the point of vomiting, or laughing hysterically at your misfortune.

This is a common occurrence for many with SSS (Spastic Sphincter Syndrome). But there is hope.

Research is going on at Buzzardbait University and Laundromat to improve the lives of those who suffer this horrendous disease. And with your help, these poor bastards can lead half-way normal lives. Those of us who haven’t experienced the nightmare that is SSS can only imaging (or laugh our asses off) at the misfortune these people suffer from. But with a generous donation, SSS can be treated. For a gift of only $25 a day, butt plugs can be purchased so that the afflicted can lead normal lives (although in much pain and a really funny walk). And for donations of $50 a day or more, Adult Diapers and wet wipes can be purchased also.

So, try to imagine yourself in such a predicament and pull out that checkbook.

Make your donations to “SSS Research Fund”- 7734 Leaky Anus Road, Buzzardbait, KY.

A sphincter is a terrible thing to spew!