The boss on vacation - Part two.

The Curious Urinal 7/4/2011
The Special 4th of July Edition

This is the second half of the boss' vacation log.

Friday 7/1 9:00 a.m. - Guess what? The bear is back. This time he has brought friends along. The trashcans have been mauled, and now the bears are looking at my car with lust in their eyes. I got the remainder of the hairspray and ignited it with a lighter. With my trusty Hairspray blowtorch, I'm gonna go cook some bear ass!

9:05 a.m. - Okay, so that wasn't such a good idea. The bears chased me up the long staircase and into the chalet. Now the bears are sitting in the hot tub. I called the Ranger Station, requesting the SWAT team again.

12:40 p.m. - Swat team shows up. This time they brought a helicopter, and what appears to be a small tank. The bears look pissed.

1:35 p.m. - The bears finally left after a brief shootout with the SWAT team. I didn't realize that the bears were allowed to carry guns in Tennessee. Apparently, I was mistaken.

2:00 p.m. - It's finally safe to leave and go get lunch.

3:10 p.m. - After lunch, we drove over the mountains thru the National Park and wound up in Cherokee, North Carolina. The casino beckons us. I'm feeling lucky!

3:45 p.m. - Well, so much for my frickin' luck! Lost $300, plus another $50.00 at the souvenir shop for colored feathers and a stuffed frickin' bear. I need a drink!

5:30 p.m. - Back in Gatlinburg. Hit the distillery where the moonshine is made. Bought 2 quarts and headed up the mountain to the chalet. I'm gonna tie one on.

9:30 p.m. - I'm drunk as a skunk. Gonna pass out now.

11:30 p.m. I woke up to the sound of splashing. Looked out the window and see two bears doing it in out hot tub. I'm too drunk to care. I go back to bed.

3:30 a.m. - I finally have to call the cops and the Park Rangers to send someone over to deal with these damned bears. They are playing the stereo way too loud and splashing all of the water from the hot tub. Plus the bears are now using the grill. I'm not gonna be charged for starting a forest fire. Smokey the Bear my ass!

Saturday 7/2 - 9:00 a.m. - Woke up to no bears, but did receive a bill from the Park Ranger Service for $4,500 in bear removal fees.

10:00 a.m. - Walking down the main drag in Gatlinburg. People everywhere. My God, I liked it better when the streets were nearly empty. Now there's a commotion. It's a frickin' bear parade. I kid you not! Several bears are holding a banner saying: Bear Pride March! A couple of bears are carrying protest signs saying: We Want More Picnic Baskets, and one says: Will Pose for Pictures for Food! The march is sponsored by Bear and Woodland Creatures Union Local 1313. Geez! I hate me some bears!

11:00 a.m. - We ate lunch at some hot dog stand that charged me $3.50 for a dog and relish. Big Dick's Hot Dog Stand back home has better dogs and a hell of a lot cheaper! Heading back to get more moonshine!

12:45 p.m. - Back to the Pay to Park lot to find my car covered with crap. Bear crap, bird crap, and I bet the squirrels have crapped on it too. Now I'll have to shovel the crap off of the windshield to see. I need a car wash badly!

1:10 p.m. - Local car wash charged me $97 to clean off my car because of the massive amount of animal feces. The car smells of fish, berries and the man says that I'll probably need a paint job soon. Just frickin' wonderful!

1:30 p.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend needs a nap. I'm going to have a nip of the moonshine. I think I deserve a drink at this point.

3:00 p.m. - This is lady friend typing. The old buzzard has passed clean out on the floor. There are two empty quart jars of moonshine on the floor with him. I'm going shopping without his ass!

6:45 p.m. - I woke up from my nap and found out the lady friend was gone. I'm stuck here with no moonshine left. I wonder if they deliver?

7:15 p.m. - Lady friend returned from shopping and brought a pizza back too. Chowing down on pizza and hearing something outside. Looked from the balcony and see the Park Rangers and the SWAT team are coming up the drive again. It seems the bears filed a complaint against me for terroristic threatening of a protected woodland creature. Being hauled to jail.

Sunday 9:00 a.m. - Judge Will Tryem proceeds over my arraignment.  My court-appointed lawyer tells the judge and the District Attorney that the bears are trying to run off tourism by accusing visitors of terrorism. Judge Tryem lets me off with a warning and a $500 fine for pissing the bears off.

11:00 a.m. - Back at the chalet. Lady friend has packed everything up and we leave the chalet. I'm heading home before something else happens. I'm eat-up with bug bites, been accosted by bears and hassled by the man. I'm heading back to Buzzardbait before the bears can accuse me of something else to put me back in jail. I hate bears! Did I already say that? Well, I still do!

3:37p.m. - Some old couple from Ohio, driving a BMW no less, just tried to run me off the road. I think the old bastard's drunk, or too incredibly freaking old to be driving. I hate bears, BMW's, and old non-driving people!

6:05 p.m. - Dropped off lady friend, who informed me I owe here a can of hairspray and pizza money. I emptied my wallet and we called it even. Geez!

6:30 p.m. - I arrive back home Sunday afternoon to find Buzzardbait just like I left it. Thank God, some things never change. After the ordeal I had the past few days, I need a vacation! Only next vacation, I am hoping for no bears, and no bugs!

In honor of July Fourth Holiday...

Let's all remember the people that made this nation what it is: Our Founding Fathers (and Mothers too!), and the military (past and present) that served this nation for all of us to be free.

Remember that we are a nation of many who have come and gone before us that fought to create a free nation and keep it that way. Never allow our politicians to take those freedoms away from us, otherwise we will become a nation of slaves!

Happy Birthday America!