Vacation log from the boss

The Curious Urinal  7/1/2011

This is a supplemental log from the publisher and head cheese at The Curious Urinal, Dewaine. The following is a detailed chronicle of how I spent my summer vacation. Some of the names have been changed so I don't get sued.

Wednesday 6/29 - I woke up to the sound of someone cutting grass outside. I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the window and screamed at the neighbor who dared wake me up at the crack of 9 a.m. Once I was able to wake-up, I got dressed and packed for my big vacation trip to Gatlinburg, TN. The lady friend and I were set to depart by noon, so I had plenty of time to shove a few things into my suitcase and haul it to the car.

12:00 p.m. (Noon) - Lady friend informed me that she was running behind, but she'll be ready by 1... 1:30 at the latest.

1:45 p.m. - Still no word from the lady friend. I think her tanning salon trip/nail job is taking a little longer than expected.

2:09 p.m. - Lady friend calls. She needs a shower and to apply make-up. Should be ready by 2:30... 2:45 p.m. at the latest.

3:15p.m. - Lady friend calls. She's just about ready for me to pick her up. I rush to the car, barrel down the road and get to her house in 5 minutes (Buzzardbait ain't that big, ya know). She is shoving luggage out the door to me at 3:20.

3:30 p.m. - I finally packed-up the car with her trunk, her suitcase, her laptop, her make-up, rollers, curling iron, cameras and assorted WallyWorld bags full of unknown substances (later to find out it's fruit).

3:30 p.m.- Finally in beautiful downtown Buzzardbait to make a bank run. We then stop at one of the local fast food eatery's (Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes) and grabbed two burgers to go.

4:03 p.m.- Finally made it to the interstate out of Hooter Heights. Traffic is at a crawl as Old Man McGriffer's tractor is being hauled to the shop, blocking two of three lanes of traffic.

5:30 p.m. - Made it to the Tennessee line. Running way behind schedule. At least traffic isn't bad and the drivers all seem pretty courteous.

7:00 p.m. These people driving need to have their licenses revoked. How do stupid people get to drive in the first place?

7:30 - Made it to Gatlinburg; grabbed a pizza (at the best damned pizza joint in Tennessee) and drove up the side of a small mountain to the chalet. WHEW! At least the chalet is nice!

9:00 p.m. - In bed and asleep from sheer exhaustion.

Thursday 6/30  9: 00 a.m. - Woke up to a bear sitting on the front steps. Tried to shoo the bear away, but the bear just looked at me like I was an idiot. I retrieved a can of the lady friends hairspray and sprayed it toward the bear. With an air of a bear without a care, the bear nuzzled up to the railing and fell asleep.
Called the Park Ranger Station. The man said he'd have someone up there by 11:00 a.m. or at the latest, noon.

1:35 p.m. - The bear has awakened from his nap and now has started to take a crap on the stairs. Still no Park Ranger!

2:15 p.m. - The Park Ranger shows up... Finally. The bear looks at the ranger and charges him. The ranger gets back in his truck and drives away.

3:00 p.m. - Park Ranger Swat Team shows up, but the bear has already left. He must have smelled the cookout from another chalet.

3:15 p.m. - I managed to sweep away the big pile of bear crap from the stairs and we left to go eat lunch.

3:45 p.m. - Downtown Gatlinburg is practically empty; maybe a couple of thousand people at most, milling about and doing the tourist thing. The economy must be keeping everyone home this year. Bugs are swarming here and there but that's okay.

4:25 p.m. - After trudging through six dozen shops; dealing with the millions of people who seem to be following us everywhere. Damn bugs are becoming a pain. I'm ready to go back to the cabin and drink until I pass out.

(to be continued)