The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/23/2010

Former President Claims it's Bush's Fault too!

Jimmy Carter says Americans could have had comprehensive health care coverage decades ago if Edward Kennedy hadn't blocked a plan Carter proposed while in the White House.

The former president made the comment in an interview with CBS' "60 Minutes."

In the interview, Carter accuses Kennedy of "deliberating blocking" comprehensive health care legislation Carter proposed. "I won't speak ill of the dead, but that drunken bastard caused me to lose to Reagan and really screwed up my legacy!"

Carter then went on to say, "And George Bush could have also been involved, and thus is to blame as well!" With a grin, he added, "Obama said he'd pay me $5 to say that!"

He continued to speak of his legacy. "I am superior to all former presidents. I'm also superior to all mortal men! I'm Peanut-Man!"

He demonstrated by taking off his suit. Underneath, he was wearing a pair of pajamas with a big 'peanut' sewn on the pocket, and a cape. The orderly at the rest home then helped the former president back to his rubber room.

4/3 of Americans have trouble with Fractions

Barbara (Barbie) Bimboluski of 'The National Math Is Just Too Hard Society' (TNMIJTHS) announced yesterday that: “Math is just too hard for me to comprehend! The numbers just don’t add up!” Standing before a group of utterly confused students at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony Preschool, Ms. Bimboluski went on to say that “98% of all statistics were at least 97% made up on the spot, and the remaining 55% were just too hard to understand anyway.”

After the speech, the preschoolers had milk and cookies and took a well-deserved nap.

And in Medical News:

Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.

It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.

This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.

If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.

But there is a treatment already available.

You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.

Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.

If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.

Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.

So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.