Monday 5/22

Candidate Faux Pas sends media into frenzy

Over the past few days, controversy has surrounded Elmer ‘The Talking’ Broom. A month ago, the Lousyville newspaper did an interview with him and asked the candidate about the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The Lousyvilly newspaper sat on the story until after the election results were final. Then they released the story and caused a firestorm in the mainstream media.

Now, in an exclusive interview, The Curious Urinal will ask Elmer 'The Talking' Broom about this media feeding frenzy he had found himself in.

Curious Urinal (CU): So, what lessons have you learned since winning the primary last Tuesday?

Elmer Broom (E.B.): Not to talk to Lousyville reporters for one thing. (laughter) But seriously, I know that words matter, and sometimes people take things you say out of proportion.

CU: So, what exactly are your views on the CRA (Civil Rights Act) of '64?

E.B: Exactly what they have always been.

CU: And that would be?

E.B.: I have clearly stated that I wholeheartedly rejoice in there being absolutely no discrimination. In face, I rejoice that discrimination is something that is long gone from the social make-up of this wonderful country!

CU: Really? I thought that there was still discrimination all over America today.

E.B.: Where?

CU: Well, just last week, a local man named Harley Werken couldn't get a job at Hooterys. All because he didn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top.

E.B.: That sucks! When I'm elected, I'll stop that shit!

CU: Please don't. Have you ever seen Harley Werken? He doesn't look good in anything!

E.B.: But still, I am all for there being no discrimination anywhere, at anytime!

CU: Now onto more important matters...

E.B.: In fact, I can tell you that I will make it a point to fire off legislation to make sure that no one ever gets discriminated at Hooterys ever again!

CU: Okay. Now, if I could ask...

E.B.: This is America, dammit! If Harley Werken wants to work at Hooterys, then By Jenkies I'll push it so that he can, and will get a job there. And he'll be able to live the American dream!

CU: Great. So, on to your stand on...

E.B.: This makes me mad as hell! A poor man who needs a job is discriminated against because he doesn't look good in pink shorts and a halter top is simply not the America I know! How dare those at Hooterys to deny some hard working, unemployed guy a chance to make a decent living! How dare they thumb their noses at someone that obviously wants to work!

CU: Can we move on here? I wanted to ask...

E.B.: I think I'm going to call for a general boycott of all Hooterys in the nation, starting with the one here in Buzzardbait, and...

CU: There isn't a Hooterys in Buzzardbait. That's in Lousyville.

E.B.: Then I'm off to Lousyville to boycott the Hooterys there.

CU: But what about the interview?

E.B.: You'd put your interview above the rights of some poor soul who needs a job and is discriminated against?

CU: Like I said, if you saw Harley Werken, you'd understand why they wouldn't hire him.

E.B.: Discrimination on someones looks is not a valid reason. He could look like a steaming pile of dog vomit and I'd stand up for his rights!

CU: Actually he looks like the end of a hard winter. He's 6'3” and weighs in at all of 88 pounds. He reminds me of an oversized Q-tip that was used and tossed out.

E.B.: (pondering) That bad, huh?

CU: Yes, he's that bad.

E.B.: Screw him then.

CU: Now onto...

E.B. Sorry, I have to run. I have an interview with Diane Sawbones in a couple of minutes and I want to brush my teeth and put on some Musk cologne.

CU: I see. Well, okay then. Thank for your time.

E.B.: And be sure to vote for me come November!