Farm Report Shows Good Year Ahead
By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme
Given the recent wonky weather, and the lack of snow this winter, Ammo County Agricultural Commissioner, Seymore Butzman, released the yearly farm report yesterday. According to the report, Tobacco-flavored Cumquat production should exceed last year's crop by nearly 3%. In addition, Lemon Beets and Sodium Vibrofoam crops look to be on the increase for this coming planting season.
Mr. Butzman announced the latest report yesterday in front of a packed crowd of farmers in the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. The sixty or so farmers brought along hoes and picks--- just in case the report wasn't good. A relieved Mr. Butzman remembered the last bad report, when he spent seven days in intensive care at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center. This time the farmers merely grumbled and left peacefully.
Speaking of hoes... Several farmers are upset at the Ammo County Extension Office for what they call 'lack of Farm Hos' in the county.
Amos Verginey, owner of the Verginey Farm, asked at the meeting, “Where are all the good farm hos gone? Right over to Farmville, that's where! I haven't had a decent ho since they [Farmtown County] began offering incentives to the hos to hang out there. This is unacceptable!”
Mr. Butzman replied, “I feel your pain. I haven't had a decent farm ho myself in six months. We're going to look into the matter just as soon as we can figure out how to work the new phone system we had installed!”
On a related note, the Buzzardbait Chamber of Commerce and Laundromat will be holding a meeting on the business outlook for Buzzardbait and Ammo County next Tuesday at the Ammo County Recreational Center and Video Arcade. All interested business people are asked to attend, but to please refrain from bringing weapons, tomatoes and other messy items to throw, otherwise it will be just like the meeting we had two years ago.
It took three weeks and several hundred dollars to clean up the mess, and patch the assorted bullet holes in the walls and ceilings. Also, whomever brought the cow to the meeting last year is asked to please leave it at home this year. The smell of bovine biomass took weeks to fumigate from the building. In addition, please refrain from spitting on the floor. The carpeting was permanently stained with tobacco juice, fecal matter and mud. The carpeting replacement will cost more than is budgeted for during the next three years, thus it will remain stained until further notice.
Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
By Staff Reporter Willie Whanker
Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff Not Covered By Other Departments. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”
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