The Curious Urinal Friday 10/1/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - President Jimmy Carter

This last Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter landed in Ohio and spent two nights in a Cleveland hospital with stomach problems. Our crack reporter, Juan Motyme, drove to Ohio immediately and got to sit down with the former president while he was in the hospital.

CU: Thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions, Mr. Carter.

JC: Like I have much choice. I'm laying in this bed and you sneak in here posing as a doctor!

CU: All in the name of good reporting, Mr. President.

JC: I'd call for security, but they'd probably let you in to begin with.

CU: They did. Now, I need to ask, what's wrong with you?

JC: Well, I was on the flight to Ohio to make a public appearance for my new book, and I began having stomach pains.

CU: Was it the airline food?

JC: It could have been that, or that Ronald Reagan film they were playing on the flight. I hate that man!

CU: You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead, Mr. Carter.

JC: Yes, I know, but that damned Reagan beat me in 1980, and I have never forgotten it!

CU: In your new book, and in a recent interview, you claim that you are the more superior of all past presidents. That's saying a great deal, don't you think?

JC: Well, I am. I mean I did end the Shah of Iran's reign of terror and I did boost relations with the Middle East.

CU:You threw the Shah under the proverbial bus and the Iranian Revolution took place. Now we have terrorism all over the world, thanks to your lack of intervention. And as far as relations with the Middle East, they aren't any better now than when you were president.

JC: It's all Bush's fault!

CU: Excuse me? George Bush wasn't anywhere near the White House back in your days as president. How could it be Bush's fault?

JC: Well, President Obama did say he'd give me $5 for every time I said that. I'm up to over a million dollars now. I am just wondering how much a million dollars will be with the value of today's dollar?

CU: Enought to be taxed to death, I'm sure!

JC: Probably, yeah.

CU: Well, just a couple of questions more and I'll let you have the trash can.

JC: Okay.

CU: In your book, you blame Teddy Kennedy for losing the election in 1980.

JC: That drunken bastard cost me votes! It was bad enough that Billy was making problems...

CU: Your brother, Billy?

JC: No, the cabana boy, Billy! Duh! Yes, that Billy! Then old 'Lion of the Senate' Teddy jumps on the wagon and draws votes away from me. Votes that went to Reagan!

CU: I think Reagan defeated you in a landslide... Not because of Kennedy, but because of the mess you made in America at that time.

JC: What mess?

CU: What mess? Well, how's the Iranian Hostage Crisis; the Energy Crisis; high taxes and unemployment... That kind of mess!

JC: It was Bush's fault!

CU: Well, there you go again!

JC: Oh, don't say that. Ithink I'm gonna be sick!

CU: Here, use this trash can and barf. I think this interview is over anyway.

JC: What? You're done? I was wanting to plug the book.

CU: Go peddle the chicken scratch you wrote to someone who cares. I'm out of here! Reagan Rocked!
JC: Oh no... (Spewing in the trash can)

CU: Oh, tonight's dinner is spicy fly-infested camel hump, a heaping bowl of cream of maggot soup and for desert... Monkey brains and termites in a prune sauce.

JC: (more spewing in the trash can)

CU: Hope you get to feeling better... You old imbecile!