The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/28/2010

250,000 British Toddlers Labeled Racists

More than a quarter million British children have been accused of racism since the country passed its Race Relations Act in 2000, according to London's Daily Mail newspaper.

A senior adviser to London Mayor says teachers are being forced to report children as young as 3 years old to the authorities for using alleged "racist" language.

"Teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the perception that we need an army of experts to manage race relations from cradle to grave," a teacher stated.

Examples of 'racist' remarks are: Yo Mama jokes, calling anyone a poo poo head, and the most severe insult, 'Fraidy Cat!'

According to a London civil liberties group, 280,00 incidents have been reported between 2002-2009.

Buzzardbait experiences cable and Internet outage

For the better part of thirty-six hours, Buzzardbait residents were without cable television or Internet service. Buzzardbait Cable Company and Bake Shop experienced a technical glitch that resulted in a total disruption of service yesterday.

LaTonya Mistuatdapartee, public spokesperson for the cable company issued a statement, saying, “Ya'll ain't got no cable or infernets cause we got striked by some lightnings and chit got all fuc... messed up!”

Raymond 'Hotwire' Yacarski, regional vice president of Internet services added, “And until we can figure out what our status is, we cannot offer our usual high-value service to the community!”

Ms. Mistuatdapartee then added, “Dat's right. What he sez!”

Mr. Yacarski then said, “If everything goes according to plan, we should be back up and running sometime tomorrow morning.”

When asked if the cable company would compensate irate customers who had been without TV or Internet for so long, Ms. Mistuatdapartee stated, “Ya'll needs to chill! Ain't no one getting any reparations round here less I gets me some too!”

Then Mr. Yacarski interjected, “In order to maintain out high standards and continue to offer our high-value service, the compensation will be seen in the coming months as no cable increases until December, when our new and improved billing system goes into effect and the rates will automatically be raised to add more high-value services to the community.”

LaTonya Mistuatdapartee closed the press briefing by adding, “So iff'n any of youse redneck sum biches don't like it, ya'll can shove it up you...”

“What Ms. Mistuatdapartee is saying is that we all need a bit of patience as we rectify the current situation and restore our high-value services to this wonderful community.” Mr. Yacarski interrupted.

“Muh fuc... Dat wasn't what I's be sayin'! Don't be puttin' no words in my mouf, youse honky, redneck lovin'...”

Ms. LaTonya Mistuatdapartee was hustled off the stage and summarily gagged.