Thursday Sept. 9, 2010

Homeless people PO'd at Fast Food!

McDonald's, America's number one fast food chain has the ever popular $1 menu nationwide. With the current unemployment problem in this country, that value is important to many families on a strict budget.

But in San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury neighborhood, there is now a feud over cheap food. It has escalated into a debate on economics and that city's homeless problem.

A McDonald's franchise owner in that neighborhood recently decided to discontinue the $1 menu at her restaurant and start charging an extra 50 cents for each of the items. A price hikes like that might normally be met by grumbles elsewhere, but in bohemian Haight-Ashbury, homeless people are upset, claiming they rely on the dollar deals to survive.

The homeless interviewed by the San Fransisco newspaper suggested it was part of a larger program of unfriendly policies in the city, whose mayor is pushing an anti-loitering ballot measure.

One homeless man named Earl said it best. "Between the taxes that Obama and that bunch of crooks in Washington passes on alcohol and cigarettes, and then this hike on cheeseburgers, how's a homeless man like me supposed to eat, smoke and drink?"

But in Buzzardbait, the homeless problem isn't much of a problem. According to Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner,"There's only one homeless person in all of Ammo County. His name is Earl (a coincidence) and he lives under the Big Seven Bridge over Stinking Creek. The Big Seven Bridge is seven yards long and twenty foot wide, so he has a nice shady spot to sleep in the summer, especially when he is running that A/C unit found in that abandoned trailer a couple of years back. And in the the winter, well, he gathers all of the cardboard he can and makes himself a bunch of walls. Last year, he found a door and a couple of old windows at the dump and fixed the place up real nice. He has a wood floor that is carpeted, a queen-size bed and two 40 watt light bulbs that he uses at night when he's not watching that Plasma screen TV he won in that all-you-can-eat pickled bologna contest last spring."

When we asked about food prices, Mr. Clossoff replied, "I think Earl does pretty well for himself as far as food goes. I know most all of the restaurants toss out wasted food, and they normally box up stuff for him to eat. Over at Felix Plumptushy's Farm, they let him run a couple of extension cords down to the viaduct. He found an old, abandoned refrigerator and a stove, and he has food enough in there for a week at a time. I normally see Milo Days running a case of Dingleberry Wine down his way every couple of weeks, and as far as I know Big Al's Titty Emporium sends a couple of girls down there to pick him up on Saturday nights so he can earn extra money sweeping the puke off of the dance floor. So I think Earl is pretty well set for a homeless guy."

And in sports:

High School Footballs kicks off this Friday when The Buzzardbait Fighting Vultures take on the Poon Point Pixies in a grudge game. If you remember the game last year, the Poon Point team drove into the end zone on a last second touchdown and ruined the Buzzardbait Vultures chance to go to the state finals in Lousyville. Kick-off is at 7 p.m. and parking will be allowed this year on Irvin Tooter's tobacco-flavored cumquat field since he has already harvested his crop.

Also, Aureole Acres Niplets will face-off against the Hardon County Pocket Rockets at 7 p.m. at Hardon County High School's field.

And the game of the week: Hooter Heights takes on Cooter Creek at the Hooter Heights football complex and mud bog. That game starts at 6 p.m. so the mud-boggers can race at 9 p.m.