THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/14/2010

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sirs/Madame's,
In a recent article, you mentioned that Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center was hiring for a position in shrubbery. Did I misunderstand? I went to apply for the position, yet they said that they were not hiring. Mark Mudflap, Poon Point, KY.

Mark,
The article read, “Henry Hyrum, a patient at the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, was arrested for trying to perform a sex act with the shrubbery at the Lawn Care portion of the business. The position he was trying to use is now being called the Hyrum Hump by the Buzzardbait Police Department.” Sorry if this caused you any undo trouble in your job search.

Dear Editor,
I was interested in a delivery route job with the Curious Urinal. To whom do I speak with in Human Resources to secure an interview?
Justen Sloth, Big Mounds, KY.

Jutsen,
We are an “Online Newspaper” and not a print newspaper. It would be hard to deliver the “Online Newspaper” into a paper box. Maybe you should invest in some further education before you go off trying to secure a job. Buzzardbait University has classes in basket weaving and lawn ornament painting that you might look into.

Mr. Editor,
You seem to have a vast knowledge of all things Buzzardbait. But I bet you didn't know that Buzzardbait wasn't the original name of the town. What was the original name, if your so danged smart?
Arthur Aspwiper, Hooter Heights, KY

Arthur,
The original name for Buzzardbait was Vulture Vomit, but some old twit decided that she didn't like the word Vomit used in connection to the name, thus Buzzardbait became the new name of the town! And since the story just came out yesterday, I'm sure that you read it and decided that you could outsmart me. You must know that I am all-powerful, all-seeing, omnipotent and one hell of a horizontal dancer!

Hey Editor,
I came across an article about something that I'm not sure what it means. Can you tell me why this might be the case? And if so, what can be done about it?
Bill Farnswaggler, Aureole Acres, KY

Hey Bill... Huh?

Sirs,
In regard to the previous letter: What the hell was he even talking about?
I.M. Curious, Hooter Heights, KY.

I.M., I wish I knew.

To the Editor,
Yesterday I took a crap on your paper. It was the best thing I have seen coming from your rag in a very long time!
Name withheld by request, Lousyville, KY.

At least you're paper trained... Oh, btw, Can you see your computer screen now?

Sirs,
I recently read the article about the Buzzardbait Zoo acquiring new attractions. I was the person who located the Meerkat. To correct your obvious attempt at making me out to be some animal hater, I did not shoot the thing with a pellet gun... It was buckshot! Secondly, I did put the animal in a bag, but I did not use a baseball bat on it to “calm it down” as you suggested. I used the butt end of the shotgun to whip the shit out of that thing! It's obvious that your reporter was suggesting that I would hurt the animal just because I could. The reality was that I hurt the animal because it looked like my ex-wife's mother when she came out of the bathroom after a prolonged squat on the throne. I had a flashback and grabbed my shotgun because of that, nothing more. Please, in the future, get your facts straight!
“Greasy” Louis Oozenoil, Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes, Buzzardbait, KY.

Sorry about that, Louie

Send your letters to us and you may see your letter published.

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THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/13/2010

Buzzardbait Zoo Set to Reopen

It's that time of year again. Yes, The Buzzardbait Zoo and Exotic Steakhouse is about to reopen for the 2010 visitor season. “This year looks to be better than ever!” Ivana Jercoff, Chief Operations Officer of the Buzzardbait Zoo stated before both reporters present at the press conference today.

“But before we can look forward to this year, we have to look back at last year.” She said with a bit of sadness. “Last year, we lost two of our most wonderful attractions. Ella the Elephant and Charlie the Cheetah. Although it was a loss for the Zoo, the Exotic Steakhouse had a banner year... Until the meat ran out, that is.” Ms. Jercoff was referring to the specials on elephant steaks and cheetah chowder the restaurant ran as part of the Remembrance Specials last season.

“But now, this year looks to be a banner year. As you know, last year we took in well over $300.00 in revenue from ticket sales and almost as much in refreshments. The beer sales alone counted for nearly $1,000,000 in revenue. This year we are planning on topping the numbers of visitors from 100 to 150 by holding Saturday Night at the Zoo promos. Visitors will be encouraged to come in on Saturday nights to see the animals as they sleep and take part in our first annual Name that Stool Contests. We will place a pile of animal feces out for display and visitors will pay $1.00 to guess which animal made it. All proceeds will go to help feed the animals. As you know, last year our budget for feeding the animals was reduced due to lack of interest by the public, so many of the animals simply starved, or ate one another to survive. That took our budget down greatly!”

“In addition, it opened valuable space for some newer, more exciting attractions to come to our little zoo!”Ms. Jercoff began displaying pictures of some of the newest residents of the Buzzardbait Zoo.

“This is Molly the Meerkat. She actually came to us locally. She was digging thru the dumpster at Greasy Louie's House of Mostly Pancakes. After he shot it with a pellet gun, bagged it and beat it with a baseball bat to calm it down, he brought it here. We nursed it back to health and she'll be wonderful addition to out collection of wild animals.”











“This is Pervy. He's a naked Molerat. He was found outside Big Al's Titty Emporium, trying to get inside. After he had been stomped by some drunk trucker in cowboy boots, he was rushed here to get medical help. After six months of therapy, he's ready to make his debut in our zoo.”













“These are two Wonder Weasels. Frick and Frak are their names. And they are seen here in their natural state. Frick, the male, and Frak, the female, are in a perpetual state of mating. Wonder Weasels are rare and we here at the Buzzardbait Zoo are proud to have the pair!”











This is Barry the Money Rat. Money Rats are also rare. They run around, mostly in subway stations and fast food restaurants, picking up loose change to build their nest eggs with. Barry will be near the Wishing Well area, collecting any and all loose change from our visitors. Barry's going to be a fine addition to the zoo.”










“This is Lenny the Lion. Lenny's seen here right after a big meal. He ate one of our part-time feeders two weeks ago. We'll miss Howie, but Lenny was well worth the effort getting here. He comes to us from the Beddum and Bangem Circus. Lenny is going to be an exciting attraction!”















“And finally, the news we all have been so excited to share today...”
“Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey is making his triumphant return to the Buzzardbait Zoo. He recently had been in Hollywood, making several movies. He was in Honey, I Screwed-up the Furniture!










And he was also a major player in the Star Warped Movies, and recently did several episodes of Law and Disorder, playing one of the attorneys. You can see here that he is telling someone to read between the lines. I think that is a Hollywood thing!”

The press conference closed with Ivana Jercoff reminding everyone, “Don't forget to bring your cameras this year, as our pictures haven't sold worth shit, so take your own!”

THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/12/2010

Local Nightspot celebrates Buzzardbait Days

Last night was a humdinger of a time at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Local dignitaries from all over Ammo County were in attendance to celebrate the Anniversary of Buzzardbait's bicentennial.















"Two-hundred years ago, this town was nothing more than a hole in the wall. Now, it's the epicenter of big business and modern living!" Heralded Oliver Closoff, Ammo County Road Commissioner. Seen here, enjoying himself during the festivities.















One of Big Al's dancers, Tangy Thundertush, said, "This is about as much fun as the New Year's Blow Out we had last year. I danced my ass off that night, I can tell ya!"











County Judge, Clyde Forkem, took a break from the fun to take an important call.









But later Judge Forkem told us that he'd be disappointed if the entertainment didn't arrive soon.

And soon enough, Blues Legend and spokesman for locally bottled Dingleberry Wine, Milo Days stepped up to the microphone and began belting out an unrelenting rendition of 'I got the Big-Assed Woman Blues!'












When it was all said and done, the celebration was enjoyed by the packed house at Big Al's Titty Emporium. Even Big Al himself had to say, "This was funner than a broke-dicked dog humpin' a cactus!"

THE BEST OF The Curious Urinal - Friday 2/10/2012
A special report from The Curious Urinal

Buzzardbait - The Untold Story.

Every child in Ammo County schools has been taught the story of the founding fathers of Buzzardbait... Or so we thought. Now, after major research into the founding of Buzzardbait and surrounding Ammo County, we can reveal the untold story of Buzzardbait.

It was May, 1810. The weather was hot, and the tempers hotter as Tyrus Piddleplop and George Widdledik of Boston decided to head west to explore the vast unknown. Somewhere around Indiana, the pair ended up losing their compass and headed south. The two swam across the mighty Ohio River (nearly drowning) and ended up on the banks of the river at Lousyville.

They were immediately rolled for change and a pair of boots by a gang of mutant children in Lousyville. Almost fifteen minutes later, they were chased out of town by the police. Seeing no one could understand their thick Bostonian accent, they were mistaken as gypsies. They were unceremoniously piled into a gut wagon and escorted to the city limits, where they were tossed out of the gut wagon. They had to make it on foot from there.

Seeing the town of Lousyville was not a fit place to be, Piddleplop and Widdledik began walking in the hot sun, covered with guts and river mud. Smelling like two wet gut piles themselves, they walked for two days until they happened upon a creek. They jumped into the water to bathe themselves and when they left the water, they are purported to have said, “Now that’s a Stinking Creek!” And the name stuck. They looked around and decided that this was a far west as they would dare go. Seeing how the town of Lousyville was hostile, they could only imagine how much worse it would be if they ventured onward.

There were trees and water, and a fair amount of game in the wilderness, so Piddleplop and Widdledik decided to settle the untamed wilderness. Seeing that they had to come up with a suitable name for their new town, each wrote down their ideas and met to compare what they had come up with. Many suggestions were made by each, and all were rejected by the other. The story is officially that Widdledik said to Piddleplop, “This place reminds me of a buzzards roost!”

But documents have been uncovered that suggest that it was indeed Piddleplop saying to Widdledik, “Look, that vulture's vomiting!”

So they agreed to name the town Vulture Vomit.

It so happened that the pair painted a sign that read Welcome to Vulture Vomit and posted it at the city limits. Of course there was no city then, just a coon skin lean-to and a campfire. Several days went by when a wagon load of harlots came passing by and a woman by the name of Nellie Dinkletwit commented, “I hate the name of this town!”

It was Tyrus Piddleplop who looked upon the woman, a homely woman with a wart on her nose and a droopy eye, and said, “Well, you look like buzzard bait to me!”

George Widdledik had an idea and went to repaint the sign: Welcome to Buzzardbait!

Some of the harlots decided to remain in Buzzardbait, and were eaten by the local wildlife. The only survivor was Nellie Dinkletwit. The animals, it seemed, thought she was too ugly to consume and left her alone. She walked nearly an hour until she returned to Buzzardbait and became chummy with Tyrus Piddleplop. Later that afternoon, Piddleplop married the homely madam of the harlots.

That was when Harlan Zuckerphuk, who hauled Glop Beer from nearby Lousyville, came across the little burg called Buzzardbait and suggested the town needed a saloon for wayward travelers. George and Tyrus slaved daily for nearly two days until they had erected a log building with a sign upon the door: Buzzardbait Inn and Saloon. And that was when Piddleplop and his new bride set up the towns first brothel. Seeing that she was the only woman in town at that point, she was very busy.

It was then that a man came wandering into town with no shoes and a thick New York accent. His name was Carmine O’Tinkler. He had been run out of Lousyville two days before because he reminded the police of someone that pissed them off. Immediately Tyrus Piddleplop hired him as the bartender for the Saloon. The following day, Abner Schitts came rolling into town on a beer wagon, where he sold his entire inventory of Piss Beer to the saloon.

At the same time, the rest of the harlots returned to town on their wagon and Madam Nellie Dinkletwit suggested that she let the girls occupy the upstairs rooms and cut George Widdledik and Tyrus Piddleplop in on the action. Besides, Madam Nellie needed the rest. So, the Brothel/Inn was very busy as people from all over the area began flocking to Buzzardbait for the cheap hookers and the beer.

Carmine O’Tinkler and one of the ladies of the brothel, Zula Baggchomper, decided to get married after a whirlwind three day courtship.

Tyrus and Nellie Piddleplop, both yearning for a better life, moved to what is now known as Poon Point and started a Tobacco-flavored Cumquat farm.

George Widdledik then hooked up with another of the ladies, Wilma Dorkhumpper and left to open a free range chicken farm in Arkansas. They never returned to Buzzardbait.

A stranger on a horse by the name of Horace Limpwiggler, stayed at the inn overnight and ended up marrying one of the ladies of the brothel, a big-boobed woman named Carla Winkerdink. The stranger and his new bride settled south of Buzzardbait in what is now known as Hooter Heights. The horse, Horace Limpwiggler, became the star of the Wingding Brothers Circus and went on to appear in the very first western movie, ‘A Fistful of Something Gooey.’

Abner Schitts continued to run beer from Lousyville to Buzzardbait, but later retired and married one of the ladies of the brothel, Lily Whiterump. They started a Lemon Beet farm in what’s now known as Aureole Acres.

That left the last of the ladies of the brothel, Wanda Hormeister. She ran the brothel by hand until she could locate more girls to work there. But at the same time, she married Carmine O’Tinkler, who appointed himself mayor. They also started the Buzzardbait Livery Stable and Feed Store; the Buzzardait Bank and Bathhouse and the Buzzardbait Barber Shop and Dentist Office.

But that was when tragedy came to Buzzardbait. The town was invaded by a vile villain vexing the vibrant village. His name was Texas Rex Beaver. He rode into town and raped all the men and shot all the horses. The women, as the research shows, were often the target of his anger. He would throw horse manure at them and taunt them for wearing frilly undergarments. Obviously Texas Rex Beaver had issues.

But a lawman soon rode into town. Marshall Roscoe Clappgiver was trailing Texas Rex Beaver and there was a gunfight on Main Street three days thereafter. Beaver was gunned down and buried out in the wilderness in what is now known as Beaver Lick. Marshall Clappgiver was offered the job as town sheriff and began setting up what is now the Buzzardbait Police Department.

And that beats the official story that has been taught to the children in school. The painstaking three days of research trumps the official story that Piddleplop and Widdledik settled Buzzardbait and later shipped out to fight the Indians at Fort Knox, or the alternative version that had the pair mining for gold in the Klondike and becoming major player at the Battle of the Wounded Elbow when Canada invaded Sweden back in 1851.
So now you know the real story of Buzzardbait, Kentucky. Don’t you feel better?

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He swam the Amazon River in search of lost civilizations.

He raced cars in Monte Carlo, just to prove to himself he could.

He climbed mighty mountains, just to watch the sunset.

He adorned a matador's outfit and stepped in the ring with El Toro Diablo, the meanest bull south of the border...

And that's where he screwed up!











He doesn’t always drink beer,... But now, when he does, it will be through an IV.

Tres Equis... Stay thirsty, and away from the bull, my friends.


XXX Tres Equis. © Buzzardbait Brewery and Sludge Pond, Buzzardbait, KY

The Curious Urinal Friday 10/8/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - Rick Sanchez

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Earlier this week Rick Sanchez, the CNN commentator, was fired after some derogatory remarks he made during a radio interview. The Curious Urinal decided to talk to Mr. Sanchez, in hopes to allow him the opportunity to give his side of the story.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with us today.

RC: Come on. Enough of the niceties. Let's get down to it.

CU: Okay then... Well, this past week wasn't a good week for you, was it?

RC: Who are you again?

CU: My name is Juan Motyme. I'm a staff reporter at the Curious Urinal.

RC: The Curious Urinal? What kind of a name is that? Did some Jew make that up?

CU: Well, I was going to ask you about that comment you made about Jews and John Stewart.

RC: That a**hole is a f***in jerk!

CU: Please, the readers will not appreciate the language.

RC: F**k them too! All of them are a bunch of Jews that hate me!

CU: So, you truly believe that everyone else in the country is Jewish?

RC: Look, I know not everybody is a Jew. Just all of the rich a**holes that make more money than I do!

CU: Are you jealous of people making money?

RC: I'm a progressive. The only people that should have money are people like me. The rest of them need to be broke and ruled by an iron-fisted dictator... Like Obama!

CU: And that's your opinion?

RC: It's a fact! CNN fired me because the Jews made them do it. In fact, the Jews own CNN, so they need to be taken out and shot!

CU: Wait a minute!

RC: No, you wait a minute. I'm a member of the elite media, so I am always right!

CU: Not anymore. You are an unemployed progressive liberal that thought you could say anything you wanted to say, but found out that your bosses at CNN thought otherwise!

RC: F**k them too!

CU: So, about you and John Stewart...

RC: I would like to see him taken out to the desert and drug behind a jeep doing ninety miles an hour through cactus and scorpions!

CU: You would think that of a fellow human being?

RC: He's a comedian, and not a good one at that! He deserves to die a slow, painful death!

CU: Can I quote you on that?

RC: Look, a**hole, don't make me open a can of whoopa** on you!

CU: You said on a radio show, and I quote: 'I'm telling you that everyone who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority?' You called John Stewart a bigot, yet you sound just like one.

RC: Yeah, so?

CU: So you are a bigot?

RC: I'm not a bigot! I'm a progressive. We aren't bigots. We're open-minded people who just hate Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, rich people and conservatives. Other than that, we like everybody...Especially Muslims!

CU: Wait... Aren't you a Hispanic? And secondly, do you hate everyone that doesn't think on the same lines as you?

RC: First of all, I'm Cuban! And I don't hate everyone... Just people that don't think like I do!

CU: Well, I think I can wrap this interview up. Thanks for your time.

RC: Wait, I wanted to promote my book, 'Conventional Idiocy.' It's my life's story.

CU: Yeah, it's sold a whole 800 copies!

RC: A New York Times best seller! (whispering) Hey, just between you and me, are you guys hiring?

CU: Well, actually that reminds me of another point. You said, and I quote: 'I can't see someone not getting a job these days because they're Jewish.'

RC: Right... So, are you guys hiring, or what?

CU: Not really, no. But I bet you could become the presidents new press secretary when Robert Gibbs decides to go run the DNC.

RC: Cool, that would be a great gig. Thanks, Jewboy!

CU: Do I look Jewish to you?

RC: No, you look like someone who would like them though.

CU: I do.

RC: Thus my point, a**hole!

CU: Bigot!

RC: I'm not a bigot. I'm a progressive!

CU: Close enough!

This edition of The Curious Urinal is brought to you by:

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.
Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

The Curious Urinal Thursday 10/7/2010

CBS Reporter Arrested on Drug Charges

A CBS Radio News correspondent, Howard Arenstein, has been arrested on marijuana charges in Washington.

A D.C. police spokesman said Arenstein and his wife were arrested early last Saturday and were charged with possession with intent to distribute marijuana.
We got some complaints that there was marijuana growing in the couple's backyard. We then obtained a search warrant for the home and busted them." The officer said, wishing to remain anonymous for fear that the media would rip into him and his family, went on to say, "We found large, mature cannabis plants, standing more than 8 feet high. In addition, we found packaged marijuana inside the home."

According to the CBS News website, Arenstein serves as radio bureau manager for CBS News, Washington.

A CBS News spokeswoman, who wished to remain anonymous in fear that she'd be discovered as a right-wing conspirator, said, "The network is not making any statements at this time, but as for myself, Dude, I'm so bummed! Now I have to find a new dealer. Do you know how hard it is to score some decent weed in Washington. First the senators aide gets busted, now this! Damn, I may need to go to L.A. to score some good smoke... Unless you got some?"

In Other Political News:

Transgendered 'Conservative' in San Francisco Race

In the Only in California Department - A transgendered woman, who used to run a sex toy company called Good Vibrations, is being labeled as the "conservative" candidate in a San Francisco political race.

The San Fransisco Weekly reports that Theresa Sparks, who is running for a seat on the city's Board of Supervisors, is being criticized as the insider, conservative pick.

Sparks is being backed by San Fransisco's Mayor. Sparks also held a seat on the city's Police Commission. She allegedly drifts "conservative" because she opposes a hotel tax and declining to put pressure on the city's police officers while serving on the disciplinary panel.

Sparks said, "This points to how people in this city love to construe and redefine the term 'progressive,'"

According to Sparks' personal website, she was born a man but eventually changed her appearance to look like a woman after two marriages -- to women -- ended in divorce. "I decided that since I wasn't much of a man, I'd become a woman. And now the chicks dig me!"

And in Local News:

Federal Study: Fish Need Water

According to an $80 million dollar study (funded by taxpayer dollars), The University of Buzzardbait has determined that unless fish are kept in water, they will die. This study, conducted over the course of six years also concluded that dead fish are not as active as live ones.

Professor Sir Cedric Bentingmore, formerly of the British Institute of All Things Uncommon, said, "These studies prove that more money should be spent on academia's pursuit of all things wasteful and frivolous!"

The Curious Urinal Wednesday 10/6/2010

Real life Ghostbuster?

William Jimenez was 11 years old when he discovered he could see dead people. He would see them walking down a sidewalk, inside a house or standing along the side of a road. Some stood there looking confused, others picking their noses and looking rather foolish. One even looked like a big green blob of protoplasm.

"At first it scared me to death," said Jimenez, 60, a retired detective. "Sometimes I'd see the whole body and other times just part of it. They'd be wearing clothes from the time period in which they died. Other times they were naked and swinging from streetlights, usually singing 'How dry I am.'"

Jimenez says he eventually learned to see his talent as a gift and has parlayed it into a ghost-hunting business along with two friends who are also retired investigators with the California Highway Patrol.

"We don't use proton packs or silly stuff like that. We use bear traps and pepper spray to capture the ghosts. Then we take them out to the desert, where we set them free to live their lives... Well, unlives that is, in peace. Not out there scaring the bejesus out of people."


Local Attorney accidentally sues himself

Harvey Skrewem, one of the attorneys at the Findham, Skrewem, and Suim Law Firm accidentally filed a lawsuit on himself last week. Court records that Mr. Skrewem entered the courthouse and was immediately served with papers. As he read the filing, Mr. Skrewem immediately decided to counter-sue himself for filing a frivolous lawsuit. Also, there is no word on if he will represent himself in court.

The Curious Urinal Tuesday 10/5/2010

New Company Offers Playdates... For a Price

With all the buzz these days about social networks and casual games taking video gaming mainstream, sometimes the market proves that there is still a powerful core demographic of lonely male geeks clicking away at controllers.

The newly relaunched website Gamecrush is banking on that demographic -- not just on guys' love of video games, but also on their inability to meet women. They offer geeky gamers the chance to find a comely companion for games ranging from Halo: Reach and Starcraft 2 to Tic-Tac-Toe.

They've just got to pay.

Female company doesn't come cheap, and Gamecrush's services run 60 cents a minute, plus tip. When "players" sign onto the site, they can search the profiles of "playdates" in four zones: "Arcade" for casual games, "The Academy" for gamers looking to learn some new tricks, "the Arena" for hardcore gaming, and "The Edge," where things "could get interesting."

Local gamer and self-proclaimed geekaziod, Randy Olgeme, has used the gaming site and claims it's a winner. "The girls I played with really liked me. Of course, they think I'm some rich astronaut that will take them to the moon."

In speaking with one of the 'girls' of the site, she told a similar story. "The guys really like me. Little do they know I'm really a guy named Larry, who likes to dress in drag and have cybersex on the gamesite for sixty cents a minute. Hell, I would charge more, but most of these losers couldn't afford me!"

In local news:

Ammo County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds

Mayor Harley Werken of Buzzardbait shook his head in disgust yesterday when he read the report from the Ammo County Department of Stuff. It told the tale of how County Commissioner Hugo Oberdare has misused county funds to advertise the fact that the county was out of money.

“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ammo County needs to do something drastic to keep tax dollars flowing in, not pouring out. Since most of the residents of Ammo County are either employed by the county, or receiving funds from the county, this report shows me that something may be wrong here!” Mayor Werken then added, “Maybe if we stopped spending $250,000 on advertising, we could spend more on stocking the bar in the mayor's office!”

The Curious Urinal Monday 10/4/2010

Prehistoric Penguins Were Not Well-Dressed

This isn't your fathers penguin. It has been recently discovered that penguins didn't always boast tuxedo-like black-and-white markings, according to a new study conducted by researchers. The discovery of the first ancient penguin fossil with evidence of feathers reveals the aquatic birds were once reddish-brown and gray, reminding one of 1960's Hippies instead of the well-dressed penguins we know today.

It's also noted that the 36 million-year-old fossil represents one of the largest ancient penguins ever found. The bird would have been 5 feet (1.5 meters) tall, and probably weighed twice as much as modern Emperor penguins, which average about 66 pounds (30 kilograms). Its long, grooved beak suggests that, like modern penguins, it hunted by diving for fish and seemed to have a penchant for making mischief and buggery.

Speaking with The Penguin, who is currently spending his time in Gotham City Prison, he noted that Batman never appreciated what he did for the Caped Crusaders image. "But I digress," The Penguin squawked. "If had not been for me, Batman would have been a cut-rate superhero!"








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Disclaimer:

Penguin Balls are made with real Antarctic penguin testicles, cut off at the peak of their sexual prime. These penguins will now waddle with less of a purpose, with nothing hindering them from leading normal, happy lives. They will be free of reproduction and family problems. These eunuch penguins will just swim and eat fish all day, unencumbered by sins of the flesh.

Also, the milk chocolate and peanut butter coatings are artificially flavored. We say it's all-natural, but hey, who has time to actually read the ingredients? In addition, Penguin Balls may contain the following: Sorbic Acid, Aspartame, extremely high levels of sugar (550% of you daily requirement), Corpsedia, Sodium Vibrofoam, less than 3% rodent hair an/or feces, Canine bile (for color) and tobacco-flavored cumquat juice.

Penguin Balls are a trademark of Consolidated Cybernetics Corp. of America (CCCofA)LLC, Buzzardbait, KY.

The Curious Urinal Friday 10/1/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - President Jimmy Carter

This last Tuesday, former President Jimmy Carter landed in Ohio and spent two nights in a Cleveland hospital with stomach problems. Our crack reporter, Juan Motyme, drove to Ohio immediately and got to sit down with the former president while he was in the hospital.

CU: Thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions, Mr. Carter.

JC: Like I have much choice. I'm laying in this bed and you sneak in here posing as a doctor!

CU: All in the name of good reporting, Mr. President.

JC: I'd call for security, but they'd probably let you in to begin with.

CU: They did. Now, I need to ask, what's wrong with you?

JC: Well, I was on the flight to Ohio to make a public appearance for my new book, and I began having stomach pains.

CU: Was it the airline food?

JC: It could have been that, or that Ronald Reagan film they were playing on the flight. I hate that man!

CU: You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead, Mr. Carter.

JC: Yes, I know, but that damned Reagan beat me in 1980, and I have never forgotten it!

CU: In your new book, and in a recent interview, you claim that you are the more superior of all past presidents. That's saying a great deal, don't you think?

JC: Well, I am. I mean I did end the Shah of Iran's reign of terror and I did boost relations with the Middle East.

CU:You threw the Shah under the proverbial bus and the Iranian Revolution took place. Now we have terrorism all over the world, thanks to your lack of intervention. And as far as relations with the Middle East, they aren't any better now than when you were president.

JC: It's all Bush's fault!

CU: Excuse me? George Bush wasn't anywhere near the White House back in your days as president. How could it be Bush's fault?

JC: Well, President Obama did say he'd give me $5 for every time I said that. I'm up to over a million dollars now. I am just wondering how much a million dollars will be with the value of today's dollar?

CU: Enought to be taxed to death, I'm sure!

JC: Probably, yeah.

CU: Well, just a couple of questions more and I'll let you have the trash can.

JC: Okay.

CU: In your book, you blame Teddy Kennedy for losing the election in 1980.

JC: That drunken bastard cost me votes! It was bad enough that Billy was making problems...

CU: Your brother, Billy?

JC: No, the cabana boy, Billy! Duh! Yes, that Billy! Then old 'Lion of the Senate' Teddy jumps on the wagon and draws votes away from me. Votes that went to Reagan!

CU: I think Reagan defeated you in a landslide... Not because of Kennedy, but because of the mess you made in America at that time.

JC: What mess?

CU: What mess? Well, how's the Iranian Hostage Crisis; the Energy Crisis; high taxes and unemployment... That kind of mess!

JC: It was Bush's fault!

CU: Well, there you go again!

JC: Oh, don't say that. Ithink I'm gonna be sick!

CU: Here, use this trash can and barf. I think this interview is over anyway.

JC: What? You're done? I was wanting to plug the book.

CU: Go peddle the chicken scratch you wrote to someone who cares. I'm out of here! Reagan Rocked!
JC: Oh no... (Spewing in the trash can)

CU: Oh, tonight's dinner is spicy fly-infested camel hump, a heaping bowl of cream of maggot soup and for desert... Monkey brains and termites in a prune sauce.

JC: (more spewing in the trash can)

CU: Hope you get to feeling better... You old imbecile!

The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/30/2010

Vote Begging Begins as Congress Flees Washington

WASHINGTON -- Battle-weary members of Congress are coming soon to neighborhoods near you to press for re-election. They are far more eager to campaign before angry constituents than compromise in Washington on tax cuts, child nutrition or a federal budget.

Majority Democrats are facing tough re-election fights all over America. Both houses of Congress rebelled Wednesday, deciding to call off controversial votes, including passing a temporary bill to keep the government running. They instead decided to head home.

"The Senate should be more concerned about doing what's right for the country and less concerned about campaign season," a senator said. "But we're all a bunch of sniveling dogs that needs to be fired and... Wait, did I say that?"

And in Sports

Buzzardbait High School will be putting on their annual Fall Dance on Oct. 8th. This years theme is Thank God The Tobacco-flavored Cumquat Harvest is Over!

Chaperone's are requested to attend this year dance as the high school hopes to avoid the brawl that overwhelmed the two teachers who chaperoned last years dance. Anyone who recalls the damage to the school, the parking lot, and part of downtown Buzzardbait last year will also note that over 90% of the attendees missed school the following Monday due to the bail hearings.

If you wish to be one of the chaperone's, the requirements include: being able to stand for four hours without need for sitting and/or bathroom breaks; ownership of at least one firearm, and the ability to bench press 300 pounds - as some of our students are fairly good sized.

Benefits include free food and soft drinks (Sven Jorgensens Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet and Sludge Cola is once again providing the food and drinks for the dance).

Any interested parent should contact Principal Willard Wanghammer during school hours.

The Curious Urinal Wednesday 9/29/2010

Autoworkers Caught Drinking Beer, Smoking Pot During Breaks

Here's a story that will make you proud that we bailed out the auto industry. An undercover investigation shows illegal activities by Chrysler employees, who happened have enjoyed nearly $15 billion in government bailout money.

Several dozen autoworkers in Detroit were caught on camera drinking beer and smoking marijuana before heading to work at the Chrysler plant that President Obama praised in a speech just two months ago.

The exclusive investigation done by MyFoxDetroit showed workers at Chrysler's Jefferson North Assembly Plant in Detroit, Mich., drinking beer and smoking joints while on a half-hour lunch break at a nearby park.

The investigation was conducted over several weeks and based on tips from other workers at the plant. This apparently outraged the auto giant's top union representatives, who said, "This is totally unacceptable. How dare the media investigate our hard-working employees. What the employees do in their off-time is nobody's business!"

Back on July 30th, President Obama spoke at the plant, where he lauded the American worker, saying, "It's workers like you that built this country into the greatest economic power the world has ever known. And I want all of you to know, I will bet on the American worker any day of the week." He went on to say, "Especially if the union bosses tell me to say that!"

Local Elementary School Excels in Pretesting

Students here in Ammo County are all preparing for this years TAKS tests. And Buzzardbait students are especially prepared this year; all thanks to one teacher. Miss Anita Fuzzenbush is a highly regarded forth grade teacher at Buzzardbait Elementary School and Flea Market..

In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Friday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics, ranging from Arithmetic to Social Studies.

Here's a sample question posed to the students:

LIST THE FOUR SEASONS:

1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________

75% of the students gave the following answer?

1. SQUIRREL SEASON
2. DEER SEASON
3. TOBACCO-FLAVORED CUMQUAT SEASON
4. BASKETBALL SEASON

Yes, Buzzardbait students are the best Ammo County has to offer!

The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/28/2010

250,000 British Toddlers Labeled Racists

More than a quarter million British children have been accused of racism since the country passed its Race Relations Act in 2000, according to London's Daily Mail newspaper.

A senior adviser to London Mayor says teachers are being forced to report children as young as 3 years old to the authorities for using alleged "racist" language.

"Teachers are now required to report incidents of racist abuse among children as young as three to local authorities, resulting in a massive increase of cases and reinforcing the perception that we need an army of experts to manage race relations from cradle to grave," a teacher stated.

Examples of 'racist' remarks are: Yo Mama jokes, calling anyone a poo poo head, and the most severe insult, 'Fraidy Cat!'

According to a London civil liberties group, 280,00 incidents have been reported between 2002-2009.

Buzzardbait experiences cable and Internet outage

For the better part of thirty-six hours, Buzzardbait residents were without cable television or Internet service. Buzzardbait Cable Company and Bake Shop experienced a technical glitch that resulted in a total disruption of service yesterday.

LaTonya Mistuatdapartee, public spokesperson for the cable company issued a statement, saying, “Ya'll ain't got no cable or infernets cause we got striked by some lightnings and chit got all fuc... messed up!”

Raymond 'Hotwire' Yacarski, regional vice president of Internet services added, “And until we can figure out what our status is, we cannot offer our usual high-value service to the community!”

Ms. Mistuatdapartee then added, “Dat's right. What he sez!”

Mr. Yacarski then said, “If everything goes according to plan, we should be back up and running sometime tomorrow morning.”

When asked if the cable company would compensate irate customers who had been without TV or Internet for so long, Ms. Mistuatdapartee stated, “Ya'll needs to chill! Ain't no one getting any reparations round here less I gets me some too!”

Then Mr. Yacarski interjected, “In order to maintain out high standards and continue to offer our high-value service, the compensation will be seen in the coming months as no cable increases until December, when our new and improved billing system goes into effect and the rates will automatically be raised to add more high-value services to the community.”

LaTonya Mistuatdapartee closed the press briefing by adding, “So iff'n any of youse redneck sum biches don't like it, ya'll can shove it up you...”

“What Ms. Mistuatdapartee is saying is that we all need a bit of patience as we rectify the current situation and restore our high-value services to this wonderful community.” Mr. Yacarski interrupted.

“Muh fuc... Dat wasn't what I's be sayin'! Don't be puttin' no words in my mouf, youse honky, redneck lovin'...”

Ms. LaTonya Mistuatdapartee was hustled off the stage and summarily gagged.

The Curious Urinal Monday 9/27/2010

Sesame Street Not Friendly to Hookers

Katy Perry's cleavage cost her a spot with Elmo on "Sesame Street." The long-running kids show decided to ax a song by "California Gurls" singer, siting that her attire was not child-friendly. Elmo said after taping the song, "I was not comfortable with her being dressed like a common streetwalker."

There's no word if Miss Piggy was upset with Kermit the Frog, who offered $20 for a half-hour of ribbits with the singer after the taping.

It seems that Big Bird, as well as Burt and Ernie, protested the appearance. All three carried signs that read, 'We don't like Kissing Gurls!'

Local Restaurateur recovering from injuries

The owner of Sven Jorgensen’s Cajun Sushi and Chinese Buffet is in the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center, recovering from what doctors believe is a severe case of hand cramps and a groin pull. The incident occurred last Friday evening when Sven was whipping up a batch of secret sauce to pour over the latest addition to the menu, Panty Flake Surprise, when he began getting debilitating cramps in his right hand.

This also caused the groin pull apparently, as his grip would not loosen. Aside for some minor blistering in the groin area, doctors were able to loosen the cramped hand with Crisco and the Jaws of Life. Mr. Jorgensen should be released from the hospital as soon as he can pay the bill.

In other news around the area

Local Blues Singer, Milo Days, will be appearing at the Strikes and Suds Bowling Lanes this weekend. His show, called The Milo Days Blues Revue, will be in the bowling alley's lounge. He will perform two shows per night. Tickets go on sale tomorrow. They will cost $10 each in advance, or $7.50 at the door on the days of the show.

Also, Sammy Shagnasty and the Naked Molecats will be performing at the Strikes and Suds the following weekend. Tickets will be given away by WBZZ Radio, 895 on you’re A.M. dial.

The Curious Urinal Friday 9/24/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - Dewaine Shoulders

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

It's been a hectic week for the publisher of The Curious Urinal. With endorsements from celebrities and other endorsement deals to promote various businesses, Dewaine Shoulders has been busy.

CU: Hey boss, thanks for sitting down with me today.

DS: No problem, but can we make this kinda fast? I have stuff to do today.

CU: Sure. Okay, let's start with the biggie! Kelsey Grammer via the Right Network posted a YouTube Video about you. How did that make you feel?

DS: I was stoked, actually. And ever since then, things have been crazy.

CU: Tell the readers what's been happening.

DS: Well, first of all, I was offered my own reality show, called: Dewaine Shoulders - A Legend in his Own Mind! And then there was the record company executive that offered me a multi-CD deal for my talents as a rapper.

CU: That's cool!

DS: The problem is I have no clue how to rap! So, I told him that I'd think about that one.

CU: What else?

DS: Schitts Beer offered me an endorsement deal. I drink their beer and they charge me half-price so they can run the ads featuring me drinking their beer. And then Tres Equis made me an offer for a one-time commercial ad featuring moi. And they will only charge me half-price for the beer, too!

CU: Are you going to do those?

DS: Half-price beer? You betcha!

CU: And what about the rumor that's been going around here at the Curious Urinal?

DS: Which one?

CU: There's more than one?

DS: There's two different rumors.

CU: I'm referring to the movie deal.

DS: Oh, that one. Well, it seems Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey has penned a new movie that he thinks I'd be perfect to co-star in it.

CU: Does the movie have a title yet?

DS: Stinky and the Bandit 2.

CU: What's the plot?

DS: From what he told me, we'd be riding an elephant cross-country to get banana smoothies for some concert in Georgia.

CU: Hmm? That's a pretty thin plot.

DS: Well, he's still working on it, so I told him I'd consider the role.

CU: So what's the other rumor?

DS: That I will be a judge on American Idol next year. Honestly, I don't know how that one got started, but it's totally false.

CU: So, what will you be doing in the meantime, especially now that your celebrity is on the rise?

DS: Well, I may be doing my own show on the Phobia Channel soon.

CU: Really?

DS: Yeah. I have been in secret negotiations with the head programmer at the Phobia Channel to do a talk show called: Dewaine Shoulders -A Mind is a Terrible Thing!

CU: That should be great!

DS: But I really don't want people to think that all of this success is going to my head. I'm still the guy that everyone knows and loves. Nothing has changed that. I'm still that simple guy that values all things humble!

CU: Yes, you are a great guy to work for, and I know that everyone thinks very kindly of you.

DS: Well, Juan, I need to go. Drew Berrymore is waiting out in the limo, and I'm not going to keep her waiting... Too long, that is!

CU: Okay, thanks for the interview, boss!

DS: Oh, before I forget it, I do have a new show starting Tuesday called 'The One Mans Opinion Hour' on Palin Promotions Blogcast.

CU: Cool! I'll have to check that one out. What time?

DS: It's at seven p.m. EST, six Central and four Pacific!

CU: Got it!

Note: This is the video that started it all -

The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/23/2010

Former President Claims it's Bush's Fault too!

Jimmy Carter says Americans could have had comprehensive health care coverage decades ago if Edward Kennedy hadn't blocked a plan Carter proposed while in the White House.

The former president made the comment in an interview with CBS' "60 Minutes."

In the interview, Carter accuses Kennedy of "deliberating blocking" comprehensive health care legislation Carter proposed. "I won't speak ill of the dead, but that drunken bastard caused me to lose to Reagan and really screwed up my legacy!"

Carter then went on to say, "And George Bush could have also been involved, and thus is to blame as well!" With a grin, he added, "Obama said he'd pay me $5 to say that!"

He continued to speak of his legacy. "I am superior to all former presidents. I'm also superior to all mortal men! I'm Peanut-Man!"

He demonstrated by taking off his suit. Underneath, he was wearing a pair of pajamas with a big 'peanut' sewn on the pocket, and a cape. The orderly at the rest home then helped the former president back to his rubber room.

4/3 of Americans have trouble with Fractions

Barbara (Barbie) Bimboluski of 'The National Math Is Just Too Hard Society' (TNMIJTHS) announced yesterday that: “Math is just too hard for me to comprehend! The numbers just don’t add up!” Standing before a group of utterly confused students at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony Preschool, Ms. Bimboluski went on to say that “98% of all statistics were at least 97% made up on the spot, and the remaining 55% were just too hard to understand anyway.”

After the speech, the preschoolers had milk and cookies and took a well-deserved nap.

And in Medical News:

Here's a message for all you men out there who thought you were healthy. Where once all you had to worry about were issues like Prostrate Cancer, jock itch and the occasional STD, now comes really bad news.

It's called MGDS, or Male Genitalia Denotative Syndrome.

This is when the penis swells up and then explodes (Talk about having a flaming orgasm). This new health scare comes to us men in the form of a virus, where the penile glandular system begins to become inflamed; then swelling into a massive, throbbing, semi-erect mass that, if left untreated, will split the skin and send man-meat flying.

If you have MGDS, do not touch your penis if you have been in contact with the following: Dust, dirt, grime, grease, stagnant water, cows, sheep (mainly all farm animals for sexual pleasure). Also, do not attempt to have contact with the following: Women, men, children, pets or any kind of farming machinery, heavy equipment, and the occasional cornhole game.

But there is a treatment already available.

You will need to be completely alone for the treatment. You will need the following items: Any kind of lotion (containing aloe) and moist towelettes.

Treatment is as follows: Apply a liberal portion of lotion onto the affected area and rub in a back and forth manner until a gooey discharge begins to spew forth. This process should be repeated several times a day until the infection is completely removed from the penis.

If left untreated, the virus will spread to other vital organs, like the testes, causing those organs to swell and explode as well. And it will be just as painful and permanently fatal.

Repeat treatment until such time that the swelling is gone and you feel the need for a nap.

So guys, I suggest you self-test to make sure you don't have MGDS. It only takes a few minutes, and this could result in a happy, healthy penis.

The Curious Urinal Wednesday, 9/15/2010

Obama's Latest Plan to Save Failing Economy

With his approval numbers falling faster than pigs being tossed from an airplane, President Obama unveiled his latest proposal to bolster the miserable economy. In a press conference inside of a McDonalds Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH, Obama touted his ultimate plan.

"We'll start selling parts of America back to Mexico, France, Canada and Saudi Arabia. Then, we take your houses from you and give them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who will then rent the houses back to you for a small 10,000% mark-up. Then, we rob Fort Knox like Goldfinger did in that old James Bond movie... And then, just for fun, we'll sell conservatives for scientific experiments... By the pound!"

The raved reviews from Acorn workers and SEIU members drowned out the boos and hisses from the rest of the restaurant, who began pelting the president with Chicken McNuggets and hunks of cheeseburgers. The Secret Service wrestled the crowd to the ground, and then allowed the Acorn workers and SEIU members to beat them to a bloody pulp.

No word if Ronald McDonald approves of the plan.

New Oil to come from Mexico?

Even though President Obama imposed a moratorium on U.S. deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, the U.S. Export-Import Bank intends to guarantee $1 billion in loans to PEMEX, the Mexican state oil company, to bolster the company's oil drilling in the region.

The bank, which is the official American export credit agency, loaned more than $1 billion to PEMEX in 2009 -- when the company was the bank's largest borrower -- in support of its drilling activities. That year, the bank also guaranteed two loans totaling $300 million.

The latest request comes during a drilling moratorium that was first imposed by Obama in May to find out what was the cause behind the April 20 Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion killed 11 workers and allowed over 200 million gallons of oil to spew from BP's undersea well.

After a federal court struck down the ban, amid complaints that it threatened thousands of jobs in the offshore oil industry, the Obama administration issued a new moratorium in July on most deep-water drilling activities that is in effect until Nov. 30.

The president says that it's a win-win situation for everybody. "We can bring in cheap oil from Mexico, and use illegal immigrants to carry a 55 gallon drum with them as they cross the border. The more illegal immigrants, the more oil we get! The more illegal immigrants, the more potential voters for the democrats!"

The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/21/2012

Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company makes major announcement

Erma Gotsahickey, President and CEO of Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company held a press conference today in front of the International Headquarters of Buzzardbait Horse Farm and Pet Food Company. She walked proudly to the podium and said, “Today, we are proud to announce that starting today, the pet food world will stand up and take notice of our little company.”

What she was referring to was the latest addition to the BHF&PFC lineup of quality pet foods. Along with Alpoop and Kennelrelations, BHF&PFC is among the top 56 pet food companies in the eastern US. She went on, saying, “Today we are announcing our promise to help keep the planet green and healthy for all, and do our part in recycling by adding our latest product, Crunchy Cat Turds, to our ever-growing list of fine pet foods.”

“Research shows that dogs simply love digging into litter boxes. They will eat anything that’s there. So, why not give them what they want, and help keep out nations landfills free of feline excrement?”

Crunch Cat Turds are just that. Dug out of the cat’s litter box, sand and all, BHF&PFC plans on packaging this dog treat alongside their other quality pet foods, Cat Hairball Surprise, Toilet Water, and their best seller, Ass-flavored Dog Food.
Editors note: Crunchy Cat Turds will come in one flavor... Clump Surprise.

And in Music news:

Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molekats will be performing their unique musical styling’s at Big Al’s Titty Emporium in Downtown Hooter Heights this weekend. Know for their off key music and rambling monotone delivery, Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molecats will be doing three shows a day for the next six weeks, so you have plenty of time to see them. And also, check out their newest CD release entitled: Sami Shagnasty and The Naked Molecats, Live at the Hollywood Car Wash!

The Curious Urinal Monday 9/20/2010

It Sounds Like a Bad Movie Trailer

From the administration that brought you 'Man-caused Disaster' to replace 'Terrorism' and 'Overseas Contingency Operation' instead of 'War on Terror' now brings you yet another politically correct terminology change...

This week, the White House stated that it wanted the public to start using the term 'global climate disruption' instead of 'global warming.' Why? They fear that global warming oversimplifies the problem and makes it sound less dangerous than it really is.

Also, there are new Politically Correct terms for the following: 'Taxes' will hence be known as 'Forced Federal Contributions,' and 'Welfare' will be known as 'Benefits for Slackers!'


And in Other News:

A shortage of high-quality paper for recycling could mean scratchy toilet tissue. To keep consumers happy and avoid any chafed rear ends, companies are now on a quest to find new paper supplies.

The problem: Cartoon bears, who have been hoarding the toilet paper for some time. They are repackaging it and reseling it for a higher price to unsuspecting consumers.



Congressman Irvin Buttkis has called for the nuclear option to be used against these so-called toilet paper pimps. Stating at a press conference: "Every time I see those bears on TV, my ass hurts!"

And now… Maestro, timpani please…

It time to check the Old Mail Bag!

Our first letter comes from Little Billy Mufflubber of Poons Bay, OR.
Dear Dewaine,
Lately the wife and I have noticed that you tend to write really long and stupid stories. WTF? Why can’t you do what everyone else does and write short, pointless blogs that have no meaning?

Well, Little Billy,
If you want that, I’d suggest reading the drivel from the far left bloggers. Now that‘s pointless and should work well for you and your wife. In fact, I bet she is used to short and pointless everything with you! Conversations, meals, sex… Yep, short and pointless.

Our next letter is from Maxie Padenski of Bleeding Crotch, ND.
Dewaine, There’s a bet riding on this. What is the answer to this trivia question: According to the Farmers Almanac, what is the largest animal on Earth?

Well, Maxie, there’s a simple answer to that question. The largest animal on Earth is the Wildermonkeyelephantsaurusbeast of East Westchester, Northern South Asia. It’s that continents most unknown species. Weighing in at a hefty 2.6 million pounds, it is 80 feet tall and looks very much like a tree. They commonly travel in groups and can stand still for years at a time. When attacked by one of these creatures, the best defense is a chainsaw! I hope that helps you win your bet.

Our last letter (hold down the applause) comes via email.
It reads, Dear Dewaine,
My experience online lately has been anything but fun. In fact, everyone laughs at me and makes crude, off-color comments about me. I do not understand this. Can you help me?
Signed, bigrubberpenis, Dildo, New Foundland

Well, I don’t know what to tell you there. Maybe you should just open up and accept that some people are just that way! Sometimes the ins and outs of online chat can make you want to pull out of the conversation, but just hang in there and maybe the answer will come to you.

Well, that’s all the letters for today. But keep those cared and letters, and emails too, coming in!

The Curious Urinal - Friday 9/17/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview: Fidel Castro

By Staff Reporter Juan Motyme

Here at the Curious Urinal, we continue to strive for the best interviews with celebrities, political figures and those that are making headlines. Today, we have one of the best Interviews ever - Cuba's Communist Revolution Leader, Fidel Castro.

CU: Thanks for meeting with us today, Mr. Castro.

FC: Call me Fidel. I am no longer president, so I am just an ordinary man.

CU: Okay. Fidel, you lead the 1959 Cuban Revolution, turning a paradise like Cuba into a communist utopia, complete with lousy healthcare, ruined lives, and many of your people escaping to America to start new lives in the land of freedom.

FC: Yes. The revolution was glorious. And we drove out those that would bring our new paradise down.

CU: But your people suffer from lack of money and proper medical care. They are yearning for freedom.

FC: Well, they need to go to America for all of that!

CU: Okay. let's talk about what you have been doing since your health scare a few years ago.

FC: Well, I have spent a lot of time allowing my brother to rule Cuba. Of course he had done so with my blessings.

CU: You recently told a visiting American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. What makes you think that after all of these years?

FC: Four years ago, I was the president of Cuba. Now, as a regular citizen, I see that I really screwed things up. I can't get any decent toilet paper, nor can I watch Lady Gaga on CTV!

CU: CTV?

FC: Communist Television. Kind of like your MSNBC.

CU: I see. So you are a Lady Gaga fan?

FC: Yes. She is the bomb. But she's no Sarah Palin. Now there's a lady I'd like to see running things in America. Hell, I might move there then.

CU: You'd like to move to the U.S.A.?

FC: You betcha! Things are so messed-up here that I'd like to go to Miami and buy a nice ocean-front villa and watch the sexy women walking on the beach. Here, we have fat, old and hairy people on the beach. And that does nothing for my libido!

CU: And you're aware that things are not working efficiently on this cash-strapped Caribbean island? And your brother Raul, the current president, has said the same thing repeatedly.

FC: Rub it in, why don't you. Look, I said I screwed-up. I took paradise and turned it into a shithole! What do you want me to say? That everything has been peachy keen?

CU: So you do admit the 1959 Communist Revolution was a mistake?

FC: The only reason I did what I did was to make myself president. Then, I had to kill people and ship others off the island to try to make things better. But it kept getting worse. Kind of like Chris Olbermann every time he opens his mouth!

CU: So if you had it all to over again?

FC: If I had it all to do over again, I would have had the revolution, then turned Cuba into a Las Vegas-style island. You know, showgirls, gambling, Maybe we could have gotten Wayne Newton to come here and do shows?

CU: But Cuba used to be like that before the revolution! Now, the government controls over 90 percent of the economy. The government is paying workers about $20 a month. They do get free health care and an education, but both are lacking! The people get almost free transportation and housing. Ans a portion of every citizen's food needs are sold to them through ration books at heavily subsidized prices.

FC: Just like what Obama is trying to do to America. Then we will be a glorious paradise again! (Laughter) But seriously, communism doesn't work anymore. We need more money! We need a Walmart here! We need a KFC and maybe a pizza joint. Hell, I would settle for a White Castle restaurant if someone would be willing to build it here.

CU: Your brother, President Raul Castro, has instituted a series of limited economic reforms, and has warned Cubans that they need to start working harder and expecting less from the government. But he also made it clear he has no desire to depart from Cuba's socialist system or embrace capitalism. But there are some signs of economic reforms, but some do seem to be a bit strange. I mean, like raising animals and growing vegetables. Other jobs like in construction, driving taxis and auto repair are a bit better.

FC: Don't forget making candy; my personal favorite! (laughter) But seriously, I can tell you this, Raul is much like I was... That is until I stepped down. Now, he's let the power go to his head. He should try to live on $20 a month, and in squalor like the rest of us!

CU: But he's also letting over a half-million workers go, as in permanent lay-offs. That's going to hurt the economy, isn't it?

FC: Actually, getting rid of the dead weight will help the economy. Like what the Tea Party is trying to do in America! Get rid of the dead weight in Washington. Wouldn't that be something to see? (laughter)

CU: So you would accept capitalism in Cuba?

FC: Sure. When America goes socialist, and your President Obama is doing a great job of that by the way, then Cuba will be poise to be a beacon of freedom in the hemisphere!

CU: Very interesting thought. Well, I want to thank you for your time, Fidel. And maybe soon, you can come to America and find what you are looking for?

FC: Yes. Charmin Toilet Paper. The 40-grit sandpaper we have here is making my tushy sore!

CU: I bet it would too!

The Curious Urinal Thursday 9/16/2010

I Wonder What Captain Kirk Would Think?

Die-hard "Star Trek" fans may need refer to their Klingon dictionaries. And they may need to take a transporter to Europe. Why? For the debut of the first opera ever to be completely sung in the invented science fiction language of Klingon.

The opera was called "u," and it kicked off a three-day run at the Zeebelt Theater in The Hague, Netherlands last week. The title "u" is the Klingon word for "universe" or "universal." Since opera occupies a large part of Klingon culture, the creation of such a show here on Earth seemed like a logical choice, opera organizers said.

The 90-minute production follows the journey of Kahless the Unforgettable. After being betrayed by his brother and bearing witness to his father's brutal death, Kahless faces his bitter enemy, the tyrant Molor.

Along the way, Kahless fights to regain his honor by traveling into the underworld, waging epic battles, and reuniting with his true love, Lukara.


There's no word if it is coming to America any time soon, but if it did, there are millions of Trekkers that would pour into the theaters and critique it to death!

The Romulan Ambassador to Star Fleet did not have any comment on the Klingon Opera, but sources within the empire say that it was stolen from them, and they may invade Federation space if it's not stopped.

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The Curious Urinal Wednesday, 9/15/2010

Obama's Latest Plan to Save Failing Economy

With his approval numbers falling faster than pigs being tossed from an airplane, President Obama unveiled his latest proposal to bolster the miserable economy. In a press conference inside of a McDonalds Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH, Obama touted his ultimate plan.

"We'll start selling parts of America back to Mexico, France, Canada and Saudi Arabia. Then, we take your houses from you and give them to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who will then rent the houses back to you for a small 10,000% mark-up. Then, we rob Fort Knox like Goldfinger did in that old James Bond movie... And then, just for fun, we'll sell conservatives for scientific experiments by the pound!"

The raved reviews from Acorn workers and SEIU members drowned out the boos and hisses from the rest of the restaurant, who began pelting the president with Chicken McNuggets and hunks of cheeseburgers. The Secret Service wrestled the crowd to the ground, and then allowed the Acorn workers and SEIU members to beat them to a bloody pulp.

No word if Ronald McDonald approves of the plan.

New Oil to come from Mexico?

Even though President Obama imposed a moratorium on U.S. deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, the U.S. Export-Import Bank intends to guarantee $1 billion in loans to PEMEX, the Mexican state oil company, to bolster the company's oil drilling in the region.

The bank, which is the official American export credit agency, loaned more than $1 billion to PEMEX in 2009 -- when the company was the bank's largest borrower -- in support of its drilling activities. That year, the bank also guaranteed two loans totaling $300 million made by a commercial lender.

The latest request comes during a drilling moratorium that was first imposed by Obama in May to find out what was the cause behind the April 20 Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion killed 11 workers and led to 206 million gallons of oil spewing from BP's undersea well.

After a federal court struck down the ban amid complaints that it threatened thousands of jobs in the offshore oil industry, the Obama administration issued a new moratorium in July on most deep-water drilling activities that is in effect until Nov. 30.

Obama says that it's a win-win situation for everybody. "We can bring in cheap oil from Mexico, and use illegal immigrants to carry a 55 gallon drum with them as they cross the border. The more illegal immigrants, the more oil we get! This should make those SUV-driving conservatives happy!"

A Note For Dewaine From Kelsey Grammer

The Curious Urinal Monday 9/13/2010

Holy Backfiring Stimulus Plan

U.S. poverty rankings are nearing an all-time high. The number of people in America who are in poverty is heading for record increases on President Obama's watch; the ranks of working-age poor is fast approaching 1960's levels that led to the national war on poverty.

According to Census figures for 2009 — the recession-ravaged first year of the Obama presidency — are to be released in the coming week, and demographers expect grim findings.

"It's unfortunate timing for the president and the democrats," said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous. "With just seven weeks left before the mid-term elections, when control of Congress is at stake, the president looks to be failing badly as far as the numbers of poor people in the U.S."

The anticipated poverty rate increase — from 13.2 percent to about 15 percent — would be another blow to Democrats struggling to persuade voters to keep them in power.

Even the president said, "The most important anti-poverty effort is growing the economy and making sure there are enough jobs out there. If we can grow the economy faster and create more jobs, then everybody is swept up into that virtuous cycle."

But with a failing stimulus plan, over-spending taxpayers hard-earned dollars, and spending more time on vacations and golf outings than time actually spent inside the White House, Obama is well on his way to making Jimmy Carter look like a fiscal conservative.



News Reporter Quits On-Air

OSLO, Norway-- A Norwegian radio news reporter quit on the air after complaining about her job and saying she wouldn't read the day's news because "nothing important has happened" anyway.

Pia Beathe Pedersen accused her employers at the radio station of putting too much pressure on the staff. She went on, saying, "I mean, seriously, the station plays too damn much Justin Bieber! No one can stand that kind of pressure!"

The Curious Urinal Tuesday 9/14/2010


Christians Attacked and Stabbed

BEKASI, Indonesia — Several assailants stabbed a Christian worshipper in the stomach, then pounded a minister in the head with a wooden plank as they headed to morning prayers Sunday outside Indonesia's capital.

No one has yet claimed responsibility for the attacks, but a certain Islamic hard-line group - who have warned members of the Batak Christian Protestant Church against worshipping on a field housing their now-shuttered church - are being targeted for the blame.

In recent months, they have thrown shoes and water bottles at the church members, interrupted sermons with chants of "Infidels!" and "Leave Now!" They have also dumped piles of feces on the land.

Police say that a worshipper was on his way to the field when assailants jumped off a motorcycle and stabbed him in the stomach. Then the pastor, who came to the parishioners defense, was smashed in the head.

An anonymous Muslim militant, his face covered with a mask, said, "Islam is a religion of peace. And we'll behead anyone who says otherwise!"


Hamburger anyone?

A new survey of America's favorite fast-food restaurants may have Ronald McDonald crying in his glop-like, nasty-tasting milkshake . Some critics are saying that the best part of the hamburgers at the Golden Arches is the toppings.

"I only eat the McNuggets," said a random person from New Jersey after lunch yesterday at a McDonald's. "The burgers taste like rubber that had been squeezed out of the ass of a bear. The food really sucks, and the clown scared the bejesus out of me!

Despite record sales at McDonald's, burger lovers surveyed by Consumer Reports gave the chain's basic beef patty a thumbs-down. The nationwide survey of 28,000 ranked McDonald's a lowly 18th out of 18.

Local hamburger chain, Phurrburgers, was not in the rating this year as they have only one location. But many local residents prefer Phurrbugers over the rest of the restaurant chains combined. Take Oliver Closoff; he's the Ammo County Road Commissioner. He enjoys a Phurrburger every chance he gets. "There's nothing like a Phurrburger to brighten my day!"

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