The Curious Urinal Sept. 3, 2010

The Curious Urinal Interview: Paris Hilton

In recent days, Paris Hilton has found herself in trouble with the law once again. And The Curious Urinal decided that crack reporter, Juan Motyme, should travel to L.A. to speak to her. The following is what took place.

CU: Thank you for sitting down with me today so you can give your side of the story.

PH: Uh huh.

CU: So, you have had several run-ins with the law as of late. First, back in 2007 you were charged with an alcohol-related reckless driving charge. You were sentenced to 45 days and served 23 days. Then this past June, you get in trouble again. Then in Las Vegas, you were found with cocaine in your purse...

PH: It wasn't my purse!

CU: Excuse me?

PH: It wasn't my purse. I was... Uh, holding it for a friend. Yeah, that's it!

CU: Your friend let you carry her purse with cocaine in it?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: Some friend!

PH: It wasn't my fault.

CU: But what about the marijuana in the vehicle at the time you were arrested?

PH: It wasn't mine. I wasn't smoking it.

CU: But you were in the vehicle.

PH: I needed a ride is all.

CU: So, you were in a vehicle in Las Vegas, with marijuana being smoked inside the vehicle and carrying someone else's purse with cocaine in it?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: I'm sure the readers will find that a bit hard to swallow.

PH: Oh, you saw my movie?

CU: Excuse me?

PH: You know, the porn thing I did a few years back.

CU: Actually, no.

PH: It was some of my finest work as an actress.

CU: Perhaps so, but we're talking about the drugs in the purse.

PH: It wasn't my purse.

CU: So you have said.

PH: I prefer that we talk about something else. This subject bores me.

CU: But this is news, and the public wants to know...

PH: All they need to know is I'm beautiful, rich and talented. The rest they don't need to know.

CU: But it's made national news.

PH: And I simply love the publicity. But now we need to move on.

CU: So, you're saying you don't wish to talk about it?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: So, what would you like to talk about?

PH: I dunno. Maybe how I have a terrific smile and I'm so beautiful that all women are jealous of me?

CU: Do you think that, really?

PH: Uh huh.

CU: Then maybe we could talk about your being arrested on the felony cocaine possession charge? You could face up to four years in jail.

PH: I doubt that they will do that. I mean, really, do I look like I have that kind of time to commit to something like that?

CU: Excuse me?

PH: Look, I need to go. I have a photo shoot for Skank Magazine in a little while, and I need to make myself even more beautiful than I already am.

CU: Uh huh.


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The Curious Urinal Sept. 2, 2010

Gunman takes network hostage; gets ventilated!

James Jay Lee, professional nutcase and part-time protester, stormed into Discovery Channel Headquarters in Silver Springs, MD and took three hostages yesterday. He wore a vest with pipe bombs and canisters of explosive gases attatched. Apparently he was ready to martyr himself for his beliefs that humans, and most notable children, are parasites on the planet.

Local exterminators, the Silver Springs SWAT team, popped a cap in the parasite and took him down. He died the way he lived... As just another nutcase who thinks he knows better how to run the lives of everyone else... Much like what Congress believes.

All of the hostages, and all of the employees of the Discovery Channel were uninjured, including 100 children.

Rabbi condemned, Ahmadinejad hailed

The U.S. State Department on Sunday issued a statement criticizing an Israeli rabbi who reportedly wished God would send a plague to kill off all Palestinians, including the "evil hater of Israel," Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.

"We regret and condemn the inflammatory statements by Rabbi Ovadia Yosef," State Department spokesman Philip Crowley said, noting that the rabbi's comments do not reflect the views of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

"These remarks are not only deeply offensive, but incitement such as this hurts the cause of peace. As we move forward to re-launch peace negotiations, it is important that actions by people on all sides help to advance our effort, not hinder it," Crowley said.

But, in a related story, Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, called for the death of Israel, America, and all infidels worldwide. The U.S. State Department hailed the president of Iran for his moderate views.

Let's Get Stoned?

PARIS – About 300 people from rights organizations have demonstrated in Paris to urge Iran to stop its plans to carry out the death sentence on an Iranian woman convicted of adultery.

The protesters carried banners reading "Let's Save Sakineh," in honor of Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, a 43-year-old mother of two who's been sentenced to death by stoning for adultery.

After international protests, Iran lifted the stoning sentence last month, but she could still face execution by hanging. "A far better method to deal with women who go against Sharia Law!" Claimed President Ahmadinejad, who also condemned Israel, America and all other western nations for their lack of Sharia Law. "We could kill everyone and have a glorious peace!"

Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, said that, "Ahmadinejad is an ambassador of peace and understanding in the Middle East. And I can't wait to wear a burqa!"

The Curious Urinal Sept. 1, 2010

Surprise Town Hall Meeting From The President

In the 'Never will happen in Buzzardbait' Department, history was made yesterday as the presidential motorcade rolled into Buzzardbait. Throngs of cheering people... Okay, there were three people who happened to be standing on the corner of Main and Pudding Streets, and they waved at the presidential limo as it passed by.

The motorcade came to a stop at Buzzardbait High School, where the Secret Service quickly hustled the president inside the gymnasium. Following close behind the motorcade was two buses full of Acorn volunteers and SEIU members, all cheering as they pulled up to the high school and quickly ushered inside. A legion of national media types set up shop in the parking lot. As the media began to set up, SEIU members and Acorn workers quickly beat up the Fox reporter and a couple of old ladies for good measure.

A few locals were also allowed inside. One was Bisbee Hollings, a local farmer. Another was Leslie Buttermounds of Hooter Heights. They were told that they would be allowed to ask the president a question after his speech. As the crowd milled inside, they were being ushered through a metal detector, and then patted down, being searched for weapons. One older woman asked, “I wonder if they will strip search me like they did at the Lousyville Airport last month? They let those nice Arab fellers on without so much as asking them to be searched, but they took me into a room and made me strip down to my birthday suit. I'm 80 years old. I don't think I look like a terrorist!” She soon was allowed inside without a strip search. The other few locals that were allowed inside were hustled unceremoniously to the bleachers.

Suddenly the president was on the stage, walking proudly toward the dais, waving to the cheering Acorn workers and SEIU members seated in the chairs on the schools basketball court. Once at the podium, surrounded by teleprompters, he began speaking about how he had turned the nation around, how he created or saved countless millions of jobs, and he personally took charge of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, defeating the Taliban and how he has brought peace to the Middle East, all the while doing what the American people wanted, transforming America from the leader of the free world, to just another nation state full of obscene taxes, chaos and turmoil.

After his speech ended, he began taking questions from the audience. One of the Acorn workers asked if it had been tough to work his miracles. The president replied, “Although I inherited a great deal in way of problems from the previous administration, I have risen to the challenge and cured the world of its ills.”

Another softball question followed from an SEIU member about the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. The President answered, “Since I inherited the Bush Wars, I took it into deep consideration what to do, and implemented a plan that would end both wars, withdrawing our troops, and prosecuting those who we could spend billions on in kangaroo courts all over New York.”

Yet another question on the economy. The President's answer, “Bush's fault!”

And energy costs... “Bush's fault!”

And moral decline... “Bush's fault!”

The cost of health care... “Bush's fault!”

Lack of medical advances... “Bush's fault!”

Sports issues... “Bush's fault!”

Reality TV... “Bush's fault!”

The weather... “Bush's fault!”

Finally, Leslie Buttermounds was allowed to ask her question. “Mr. President, I have been studying history. The Carter administration had a deep recession back in the late 70's. There were gas shortages, high unemployment, and the Iranian Hostage Crisis just to name a few problems. Who would you say was to blame then, and how would you have fixed it?”

The President looked at his teleprompter and replied, “The Bush Policies created a Reverse Time Warp Effect, or a RTWE, that caused the recession, the gas shortages and the Iranian Hostage Crisis. Had I been there, I would have negotiated with the hostage takers, and freed the hostages within a day. Ronald Reagan took credit for something that I would have done had I been president back then.”

Bisbee Hollings stood, his overalls greasy and soiled from years of hard Tobacco-flavored cumquat farming, and asked, “Back when I was a boy, we had the Great Depression. Now I was a yungin' back then, but I remember how hard times were. What's happening today ain't shit compared to back then!”

The president smiled, consulted his teleprompter and replied, “When the Great Depression was in full force, George Bush never turned a hand to try to fix it. I used my Way Back Time Machine and fixed the economy, saving or creating countless millions of jobs!”

Bur Mr. Hollings wasn't done. “Then what about the Civil War?”

“Again,” the President began, “George Bush allowed that to take place, and we all know how things turned out. Had I been president back then, I would have done what was necessary to end the war. I would have told the generals to withdraw all of their troops in eleven months and let them solve their own problems!”

As the pro-Obama crowd cheered, another Buzzardbait resident asked, “When Rome was burning, where were you?”

The president replied, “As you know, it was the failed Bush tax policies that led to the downfall of the Roman Empire. I am trying my best to implement a new world order to make sure that we all live under the same laws, the same taxes, and that you people can live your lives without having to worry about little things like freedom and the ability to live past 60.”

Yet another Buzzardbait resident asked, “When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and the serpent tempted Eve with the apple, did that cause the world's problems?”

The president looked at his teleprompter and said in a strong, commanding voice, “Uh, well, George Bush relied too much on tax cuts, and got us into the mess we are in today. Seeing how I could have been able to show Adam and Eve that Universal Health Care could have saved them from being without insurance when one of them needed to go to the hospital, then you could say that George Bush misled them like he did with the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan.”

Before anyone else could ask a question, the president waved to the zombie-like Acorn and SEIU members and walked off stage.

Minutes later, as the motorcade left, along with the cheering SEIU and Acorn folks, the small crowd of Buzzardbait locals gathered around and shrugged. When asked what he thought of the president's speech, Bisbee Hollings simplified the entire thing. He said, “I hope when the next president gets into office that they blame Obama for everything. I bet those liberals won't like that one derned bit!”

Leslie Buttermounds added, "Maybe Sarah Palin might be the next president? She's got more brains in her little finger that that Obama guy has in his swollen head!"

The Curious Urinal Aug. 31, 2010

Scientists Warn: Time to Abandon Earth

It's time to abandon Earth, warns the world's most famous theoretical physicist. In an interview, Stephen Hawking warned that the long-term future of the planet is in outer space.

But local science teacher, Dr. Wilber Fizzlepop, suggests that is may already be too late. Speaking to a group of angry parents at the Buzzardbait School Board meeting last night, Dr. Fizzlepop said that in order to leave the earth, radical changes would first have to take place.
“First we need to develop large spaceships with warp drives to haul thousands of people away from the planet and out to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. Then we need ray guns to shoot any aliens that may be living on those planets and take over!”

The angry mob began laughing when Dr. Fizzlepop began describing how he had been secretly building a time machine in his basement and would soon leave for the future, steal their technology and return to this time to begin the process of building these huge ships.

School Board Director, Erma Witherdither, had the teacher removed and placed into the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center for observation.

No word as to when he plans on traveling into the future.

School Children Told National Anthem is Verboten
Recently, a group of high school students attending a conservative leadership conference in Washington, D.C. said they were ordered by a security guard to stop singing the national anthem during a visit to the Lincoln Memorial.

“They told them to stop singing,” a spokesman for the Young America’s Foundation said. “I was taken aback. You wouldn’t expect a display of national patriotism to be censored."

U.S. Park Police confirmed that the students were in violation of federal law and their impromptu performance constituted a demonstration in an area that must remain “completely content neutral.”

But just a few feet away, several socialists protestors were singing anti-American songs, burning an American Flag and denouncing America as a country that must die. The U.S. Park Police ignored them, siting freedom of speech as their reason.

Cat Soup, Anyone?

BUFFALO, N.Y. -- Police say a traffic stop led to animal cruelty charges after they found a live cat "marinating" in oil and peppers in the trunk of a car.
Buffalo police say officers heard the cat meowing when they stopped 51-year-old Gary Korkuc of Cheektowaga to ticket him for running a stop sign Sunday night.
They say they checked the trunk and found 4-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chili peppers.

Police say Korkuc told them he did it because Navarro was ill-tempered. Korkuc was charged with cruelty and released; his phone number isn't listed.
Police say he told them he was going to cook Navarro. But they say Korkuc also complained that the neutered male cat got pregnant after he was spayed.
Animal advocates have cleaned Navarro and put him up for adoption.

McTantrum?

TOLEDO, Ohio
A security video from a McDonald's in Ohio shows a woman punching two restaurant employees and smashing a drive-thru window because she couldn't get Chicken McNuggets.

The tantrum caught on tape in Toledo earlier this year shows the customer reaching through the drive-thru window, slugging one worker and then another. She then grabs a bottle out of her car and tosses it through the glass window before speeding off.
It happened early on New Year's Day. Police say Melodi Dushane was angry that McNuggets weren't being served, because it was breakfast time.

Dushane says she was drunk at the time. She was sentenced to 60 days in jail last month and ordered to pay McDonald's for the broken window.

The Curious Urinal – Monday Aug. 30, 2010

Microbes Eating Gulf Oil?

WASHINGTON - A newly discovered oil-eating microbe is flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Scientists discovered the new microbe while studying the underwater dispersion of millions of gallons of oil spilled into the Gulf following the explosion of BP's Deepwater Horizon drilling rig.

“The microbe is eating the oil without significantly depleting oxygen in the water.” Says Larry Leaky, a researcher for the Save the Gulf Foundation. He also added, “Now if we could find a microbe that would eat liberals without barfing, then we’d really have something wonderful!”

Boehner says: Fire the WH Economic Team!

President Obama should ask for and accept the resignations of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, National Economic Council chief Larry Summers and the rest of his economics team, House Minority Leader John Boehner said last Tuesday.

And in a related item, the vast majority of Americans wish for Obama and the entire administration to resign, and be replaced by Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hanity and Glenn Beck.

Rangel to Obama: FU!

Rep. Charlie Rangel suggested last Monday that he's not going to take any lessons on dignity from young whippersnappers like President Obama.
The New York Democrat, currently embroiled in an ongoing ethics investigation, lashed out at the president, saying that Obama, 49, is too young to judge him on such matters.

"Frankly, he has not been around long enough to determine what my dignity is," Rangel was quoted saying by The New York Times.

But an anonymous spokesperson for the Truth in Government Society said, “Hey Charlie, you have to have dignity before someone can actually make a determination on it.”

Say it ain’t so, Bozo

Prior to his death in 2008, Larry "Bozo" Harmon penned the recently released memoir "The Man Behind the Nose,” about his adventures. Harmon, who was a professional clown, ran for President, bonded with dangerous cannibal tribes in New Guinea, and was saved from being swallowed whole by a murderous python in Thailand by his 83 AAA shoes according to his autobiography.

But now Harmon’s second (of four) wife, Sandra Harmon, the author of two relationship books and “Elvis & Me” with Priscilla Presley, is biting back with claims that the crazy tales are a result of him being a “pathological liar.”

Sandra Harmon is writing her own book entitled “Sleeping with Bozo and Other Clowns” to expose dirty details of her marriage to Larry, who she alleges was unfaithful. According to her, Bozo slept with anyone and everyone, and enjoyed doing so while in make-up.

This just in: Tiger Woods has denied sleeping with Bozo, although he did say that he enjoyed a healthy relationship with the clown.

And People in L.A. Thought the Traffic Was Bad There

BEIJING — A massive traffic jam in north China now stretches for dozens of miles and has lasted over 10-day mark as of last Tuesday. It all started when China began road construction in Beijing that won't be finished until the middle of next month, an official said, not wanting her name released in fear of death by the Communist-run nation.

The bumper-to-bumper gridlock, which spans over 60 miles, with cars moving little more than a half-mile a day at one point has improved since this past weekend. But then she said she wasn't sure when the situation along the Beijing-Zhangjiakou highway would return to normal.
History of the worst traffic jam in history: The traffic jam started Aug. 14 on a stretch of the Beijing-Zhangjiakou highway. That section has frequently been congested, especially after large coalfields were discovered in Inner Mongolia. Traffic volume has increased 40 percent every year.

Drivers stranded in the gridlock in the Inner Mongolia region and Hebei province, headed toward Beijing, passed the time sleeping, walking around, or playing cards and chess. Local villagers were doing brisk business selling instant noodles, boxed lunches and snacks, weaving between the parked trucks on bicycles.

Also, a chain of motels and several restaurants have opened along that stretch of highway. And three Walmart Superstores have been built to accommodate the needs of those stranded on the highway.

A spokesperson from the China Peoples Highway Department (who wished to remain anonymous due to fears for her life) stated, “Since we export more crap to the rest of the world than anyone, we figured we might wish to make a few extra yen selling the crap to our own people.”

The Curious Urinal Interview -

Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama.

We here at the Curious Urinal try to bring you the best interviews with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars, controversial figures or political leaders. And today is no exception. The Curious Urinal was granted a special interview with the current and two former presidents. The following is the result of a hard-fought process to speak with the three gentlemen at once.

CU: Thank you all for agreeing to take a few minutes to talk with us.

WJC: My pleasure.

BHO: Any time.

GWB: Always good to speak to the press.

CU: Let’s cut to the chase. Mr. President, you are pushing for more and more government control over the lives of all Americans. The question is why?

BHO: I assume you are talking to me?

CU: Yes.

BHO: Uh, well, er, I wasn’t prepared to , uh, answer any questions pertaining to, uh, policy.

CU: But you can at least tell us what your agenda is pertaining to spending trillions of dollars, which has many economist baffled, by the way, to stimulate the economy?

BHO: Bill, you want to answer this one?

WJC: Sorry, you’re on your own.

BHO: Uh, well, you see, uh, it’s like, uh, I've been busy cleaning up the mess left by the previous administration...

GWB: There you go again. How many times are you going to blame me for what the democrats have been doing since 2006? And what you're doing now?

BHO: George, I believe the question was directed toward me.

CU: Well, anyone who would like to answer for you, Mr. President, would be fine.

BHO: Bill?

WJC: (Phone ringing) Sorry, Hilary is calling. (He answers the phone)

GWB: Come on, Barack. Answer the man’s question.

BHO: I’ll have to get back to you on, uh, that particular item. I’ll, have Rahm send you, uh, some propaganda... I, uh, I mean information.

WJC: (hanging up the phone) Uh oh!

CU: What’s wrong, Mr. Clinton?

WJC: Hilary just found my collection of Hustler Magazines hidden in my sock drawer. She’s pissed!

GWB: I’ve seen her pissed. It’s not a pretty sight!

WJC: Even when she’s not pissed, it’s not a pretty sight!

(laughter)

CU: Okay, getting back to my original question. President Obama, can you tell our readers why you feel it necessary to continue spending taxpayers dollars on stimulus packages, over-bloated healthcare bills and bailouts when people are simply looking to find gainful employment?

BHO: I wasn’t aware of economic questions, er, being, uh, brought up. I’ll defer to Bill.

WJC: You know, I call Hilary my anti-gravity wife.

GWB: Why’s that?

WJC: Because she’s always up in the air about something!

(laughter)

CU: Gentlemen, if we could continue with the interview.

(laughter between the presidents continues)

GWB: You know, I kept America safe after 9/11. Old Barry here can’t keep Charlie Rangel out of trouble, much less stop terrorists from entering the country.

BHO: I take, uh, offense, uh, to that!

GWB: Why are you stumbling over your words?

WJC: Because there’s no teleprompter handy for him to read.

(laughter between Clinton and Bush)

CU: Gentlemen, I have to ask about mistakes made during your administrations. What do you think was your biggest mistake?

GWB: Not getting Bin Laden!

WJC: Monica. But damn it was good!

BHO: So far, I have been too busy trying to clean up the mess left by the previous administration to make any mistakes!

GWB: You know, if you weren’t the president, I’d pop you one right on the nose for that.

WJC: Hell, Barack, you’ve spent over four times the money in a year and a half than what George did in eight years.

BHO: Uh, I, er, had to, uh...

GWB: Clean up my mess! Yes, I think everyone has heard that song and dance routine before!

WJC: (phone ringing) I have to take this. I’ll be right back.

CU: So, gentlemen, next question: When you sum up your experience as Commander in Chief, how did, or do you think you have done?

GWB: I think I instilled pride in the military. Having had some experience in the military helped me to do so.

BHO: Come on, you were in the National Guard. Your military experience means nothing.

GWB: At least I served in something besides the Socialist Party and Acorn!

BHO: And you can’t even say nuclear, much less have the intelligence to deal with nuclear treaties and dealing with rogue nations like Iran and North Korea.

GWB: If your party hadn’t blocked me at every turn, I could have dealt with that. And speaking of not being able to pronounce words, Mr. Smartypants, what the hell is Epantsapation?

WJC: Sorry, that call was important. I know what Epantsapation is! The inability to remove your pants while on the internet. Hilary saw to that!

(laughter between the presidents)

CU: Seriously, gentlemen, The country is in turmoil and needs direction. Who’s leadership would be better at this moment?

BHO: Mine!

WJC: Mine!

GWB: The two of you together couldn’t run a whore house on a slow night!

WJC: I think I might be able keep em busy!

(laughter between Bush and Clinton)

BHO: I have been dealing with the mess left from...

WJC and GWB: The previous administration!

GWB: You sound like a broken record!

WJC: I balanced the budget, So my leadership would straighten out the current mess!

GWB: You borrowed money from Social Security and fudged the books. I saw the budget, remember?

BHO: And you spent money on two wars and cut taxes for the rich!

GWB: And everything was going just fine till Nancy and the gang took over in 2006. Then all hell broke loose!

CU: Could we have a civilized discussion here?

BHO: Look, uh, I have a tee time to get to. I’ll have someone send you a picture of me and that should suffice.

WJC: And I just got a call from an old friend who wants to have some fun this afternoon. I have to go.

GWB: Well, I suppose I need to go too. I have a meeting with Jeb about maybe continuing the Bush Dynasty in 2012.

CU: So this is it? I get 5 minutes and not one straight answer?

WJC: We’re politicians. We don’t give straight answers!

BHO: Good answer!

GWB: Yeah, what they said!

A personal note: When the interview ended, I went to the bar and had a few drinks and several aspirin. My head was killing me!

My summer vacation to Boston (Or - How to survive your summer vacation without the need to shoot anyone).

Wednesday, August 11th: The first day of vacation was beautiful. It was in the 90's and muggy. How muggy was it? Well, I'm glad you asked. It was so muggy that the flies decided to forgo flying for swimming.

Louisville: We started out by loading the car and heading out to get lunch. But when we arrived at the restaurant, my lady-friend (my friend-girl in homiespeak) informed me that she had forgotten the maps to our destination, Boston, MA, and her favorite lipstick. Twenty-three miles later, we were back at her house, retrieving said items. The neighbors had all placed bets and money was being traded up and down the street. Only three came out ahead in the betting. Had I been informed that there were odds laid on the return trip, I would have put down a $20 on the return trip betting.

Back on the road again, we drove down I-64 and through scenic Eastern Kentucky. The best part of the trip was when we left Kentucky for West Virginia. And that was not much of an improvement. While driving in the mountains heading toward Maryland, we ran into a wee bit of rain... Who am I kidding? It rained like pouring piss out of a boot. It was monsoon season in West Virginia as the torrential downpours lasted pretty much until we reached Maryland.

We were 2 hours behind already because of the rain, and it was getting late, so we stopped in the lovely little burg of La Vale, MD. A nice, homey place, run by two spinster sisters and a few Arabs that owned the hotel, the 7/11 and the gas station. They took as much money from us as they could before allowing us to depart the next day.

The next stage of the trip involved traveling through the rest of Maryland, laughing at the names of some of the mountains. Two stood out as politically incorrect. One was Polish Mountain, and the other was Negro Mountain. I bet the NAACP will be looking into that name!

Anyway, we traveled onward. We drove thru Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. Let me say to the wonderful drivers of each state: YOU SUCK! You drive like rabid Yaks in heat. Your road skills are the equivalent of someone in a demolition derby (And I thought driving thru Atlanta was bad). I had the distinct privilege of driving with at least three million would-be Nascar Drivers. Geez, Where do you people learn to drive? Thank God I made it through that ordeal without having a freaking coronary.

And a small bit of thanks (a big shout-out) to the Garmin people who put out the new Nuvi GPS thingie. Aside from taking directions from a squirrel with a walnut fixation, and getting us LOST twice (we visited an airport in New Jersey[the big one I cannot think of the name of right now], and then ended up driving thru the city streets of the Bronx and onward into Connecticut on some parking lot, uh, I mean parkway. That threw us 2 hours behind getting to Boston, thanks to the rabid freaking Squirrel... (Ah Nuts!). Other than that, the Garmin Nuvi worked just fine.

Finally we made it to Boston. The nearly thousand mile trip ended with a very nice room at the Hyatt in Cambridge. The room had a balcony overlooking the Charles River. It was a beautiful view of Downtown Boston at night. It makes Louisville look like Hooterville... And it really is! Thus ends day two.

Day three: My lady friend, Susie, and I started our day at the hotels restaurant. The breakfast buffet was great, especially since all 1,000 guests choose the same exact time to eat as we did. The pickings was slim though as I gnawed on a rubber biscuit with some orange juice.

Afterwards, we spent the day doing the tourist thing. We took the hotel shuttle to some park, where we were unceremoniously booted out and left to fend for ourselves in the big city. We walked across one of the many bridges spanning the Charles River and ended up in Boston Commons Park. From there, we choose to walk the Freedom Trail without the tour guide hustling us along (we're walking, we're walking).

We walked along the red brick trail (some red stripes too) and saw Boston on our own terms. We visited The Old North Church. Walking inside, we both felt as if we were standing in the middle of history. That was where the midnight ride of Paul Revere began. Two lanterns were secretly hauled up to the steeple and the ride began. That was the birthplace of the Tea Party and the American Revolution. God, I was inspired!

After leaving the church, we walked along the path until we ended up at Bunker Hill. The 221 foot monument built there was a surprise. I was very impressed by the view as well. I could imaging what all transpired there and felt that odd twinge of history again in my heart.

From there, we ventured onward to the USS Constitution. Actually getting to step aboard the ship was fantastic. Touching the ship made it seem even more real. Tactile sensation is a wonderful thing.

Finally, after 4 hours of walking, we began the return trip. We had dinner reservations at 6:30 p.m. - and it was 4:30 then. Susie located a cab and we both hopped in and were back to the hotel in a half hour (as opposed to another 2 hours of fast walking).

Dinner was formal. We were dressed to the nines; she was dressed in a very chic black dress with a gray jacket. I was dressed in my basic black and blue, with a purple tie. we were fashion plates! Dinner was a bit of a let-down though, as I ordered scallops and got 6 and some cheesy rice and some green looking stalks of some steamed weed. I really could have gone for McDonalds afterwards, but opted not to. That would have meant another cab ride into the city and a Big Mac is not worth that!

Saturday rolled around and we again went to breakfast. We ended up eating at the bar, as there were no tables available. Note to the Hyatt: MORE TABLES! We actually got to eat some real food too. Pancakes, eggs and fruit. It was delicious.

After breakfast, we walked along the shore of the Charles river, dodging manic bikers and joggers. It was like trying to dodge bullets for some time, but finally they thinned out. It might have been the scowl on my face, or the handful of rocks I was tossing at them that caused them to disappear. I'm not sure which.

We went back to the room, thinking that housekeeping would have already visited and cleaned the room. Nope. They had yet to begin. So we went back downstairs and sat outside of the hotel for almost three hours. Thank God it was nice outside. It was barely 80 and we were in the shade. So we took the elevator back up to the eighth floor and discovered that the room was still unvisited by the crack cleaning staff. Susie made a call to the front desk to ask when they were, in fact, going to clean the room. We had been out of the room for 5 hours and it wasn't like they were far away and short-handed. The cleaning cart had been parked in the same spot all morning and into the afternoon.

A few minutes later, some nice Hispanic lady knocked on the door and asked when we would like our room cleaned. We weren't going to vacate the room at that point and she said that they could clean it later in the day while we were at the concert. Great... then she said that we both could have a complementary kiss at her ass in Spanish and smiled while doing so. We shut the door and began getting ready for the show. Aerosmith and J. Geils were awaiting our arrival at Fenway Park. We took a cab to the ball park and stood there with about 30,000 other invitees for about a half hour before they opened the gates and began scanning the tickets. Soon we were up in the nosebleed section of the ball park, sitting near the Green Monster.

At around 6:30, some band that won a contest got to open the show. I never caught the name of the band, but they seemed to be a throwback to some 1960's lounge act. They were pretty good, but it got me to wondering... This was a rock concert. If this band was the winner, how bad were the rock bands that entered the contest? They all must have sucked big time!

Finally after 4 songs, the lounge act left the stage and the roadies set up for The J. Geils Band. They rocked! They played all of their hits, but one. They didn't do the old blues tune Boom Boom (Out Goes The Lights). I had really hoped that would have been on their playlist. Other than that, those old men simply rocked Fenway Park.

I had an uncle that spoke about Big Band music as opposed to Rock and Roll. He called it the "Men with the music and the boys with the noise!" Well, the old men of Rock n Roll proved to be the Men with the Music that night. The J. Geils Band proved that and so did Areosmith when they took the stage. I was amazed. The stage show itself was impressive, but the music was even more so.

Now, just to let you know - I had seen Aerosmith three times prior to that night. In the 70's and early 80's. They sucked in concert back then. I assumed that they were high or drunk (or both) and the sound systems back in the day were not as good as they are now as well. They were loud, out of time, and either didn't know, or care. But that was then. This show, they were the masters! They played three plus decades of hits and never let up. They sounded awesome! It was a great show, and well worth the trip to Boston just to see them!

Sunday: Check-out day. After another rushed breakfast at the bar (Ahem, Hyatt, not enough tables and not enough time to eat), we quickly packed our suitcases and hauls buns out of Boston. It was 11 a.m when we hit the road. The Garmin Nuvi got us lost once more. And in a rest stop of all places. We ended up taking four tours of the same rest area before the Nuvi righted itself and allowed us the right way back onto the highway. We drove like crazy to get back to Maryland to the nice motel, but traffic, the Rabid squirrel and more road construction caused us to be set back almost 2 hours again. We ended up in Sheppensburg, PA. I think that was the name of the town. I can tell you that it was a podunk, hole-in-the-wall town. It had two motels and a convenience store. That was pretty much it.

The Roadway Inn was our choice of destinations that night. It looked okay from the outside, but upon entering, the roaches and flies were already occupying the room. We left as soon as the nice woman (Hindu of Muslim?) cursed at Susie in her native tongue. We ended up at a Best Western. The room was clean, but the beds were not conducive to sleeping without feeling the springs jutting into ones ribcage. But we were both too tired to venture onward and sucked it up.

Monday: Leaving Pennsylvania, we entered Maryland then a couple of hours later we were in West Virginia. Road construction set us back another 2 hours, but at least it wasn't raining this time. The sun was peeking thru the clouds and it made for a very pleasant trip. Entering Kentucky, we met with even more road construction in several spots. Note to Kentucky Road Commissioner... Do one side of the road at a time, not both sides where you cut three lanes into one for 40 miles at a time. Use your heads... Wait, we are talking about Kentucky here. No one in government used their heads for much.

Now: I'm finally home. I'm unpacked and sitting in my underwear, typing the adventure into a few paragraphs. To detail everything would have taken too long, and would have probably been boring as hell to read. But the trip wasn't boring, and the company was good. It was a great trip, and for those of you who have never been to Boston, I recommend that you go visit. It's a great city, and there is a lot of history to be discovered there. Americans take for granted the freedoms we have. The founding fathers didn't take anything for granted. They fought with their fortunes, their lives and their sacred honor to insure that America was free.

Let's not allow anyone to ever take those freedoms away from us! They were purchased with precious blood!

And finally, a note to Boston: Thank you for not pressing charges for two conservatives to enter such a liberal bastion. We had a great time in your fair city. And we left it the way we found it... Aside for a few rocks being lobbed at passing bike riders and joggers, that is.

Breaking News:
Darth Vader embraces the Dark Side of the Force by robbing a bank.
On July 22nd, A man dressed as the Star Wars villain entered a bank and took an undisclosed amount of money. He wielded a handgun instead of a lightsaber. I suppose times are tough, even for the Dark Lord of the Sith.
Note to George Lucas: More Star Wars Films! Put Darth Vader back to work!

Friday 7/23/2010

The Curious Urinal Interview - Milo Days

Today, we speak with Milo Days... The Best Bluesman in the Business! So, when we learned that we were fortunate enough to land this interview with one of America's busiest Bluesmen, we did our homework.

MD: Welcome to my humble abode.

CU: Thanks. This palace is wonderful!

MD: I call it the old country dump!

CU: 30,000 square foot of country dump, I’d say!

MD: Yeah, man, but I had to build a place big enough for my studio, and to put up all my gold records!

CU: Speaking of which, what’s happening with your career, Mr. Days?

MD: Call me Milo, man. I don’t do that Mister stuff. That’s so passe.

CU: Okay, Milo. So what’s the latest?

MD: Well, I’m working on my latest CD. It's gonna be called: Milo Days, The Blues Done Got A Hold On Me! I’ve been working my fingers to da bone all over that guitar. And man, I've been diggin’ it!

CU: Milo, your fans are very loyal to you. They sell out every venue you play. They buy every CD you put out. How can you keep being fresh in today’s music market and still be true to the fans?

MD: First of all, the fans are what I live for... Well, that and some Dingleberry Wine.

CU: But to remain relevant in the world of Hip Hop and Rap, Rock and Country, you somehow manage to make the Blues sound more appealing to the masses.

MD: Man, that ain’t no problem. Lots of folks are singing the blues lately! With the way things are today, most everybody is livin' the blues! And I know the blues, baby! I grew up on the mean streets of Buzzardbait. I have lived the blues!”

CU: But your parents were both professionals, if I’ve done my homework correctly. Your father was the first black dentist in Buzzardbait, and retired a wealthy man. Your mother was one of three of the founders of Kentucky Fricasseed Chicken here in Buzzardbait. She later sold her interests to some New York investment firm for millions of dollars. You went to the Buzzardbait School for the Well-To-Do, and graduated at the top of your class. You attended college at Yale and didn’t take up being a musician until after you retired from the Findem, Suem and Skrewem Law Firm.

MD: Man, did you dig up my arrest record, too?

CU: Actually, you have never served time in jail, and as far as we could find out, never did anything that was considered illegal, immoral or remotely related to living the Blues Lifestyle.

MD: Are you trying to ruin my career? Look, I am trying to earn a livin’ here! Stop telling everyone about my past, okay? Yeah, I did my time in corporate America. I paid my taxes and lived a damned good life. But the Blues got a hold of me and changed me from what I was into what I am today!

CU: Fair enough.

MD: Damn, you ain’t right; trying to mess up a good thing for me!

CU: Now, you do a lot of promotions for Dingleberry Wine. We checked the records and found that you made nearly a half-million last year for your commercials and other endorsements for the local winery.

MD: Yeah, so?

CU: Isn’t that like living the anti-blues lifestyle?

MD: Look, here’s the deal. I drink the wine and they pay me for my services and promote my CD’s and concerts heavily. Now, you got a problem with makin’ some dough?

CU: Not in the least. What I’m trying to get at is that...

MD: Look, man... I ain’t got no reason not to make money. It’s what America is all about! When some respectable person makes money, it’s called business. When a musician makes it, it’s called making a damned living! And I make a damned good livin’!

CU: Yes you do. Last year was a banner year for you. Your four releases sold nearly ten million CD’s last year. You get $5 a pop from the sales of your CD’s. That’s nearly fifty-million dollars!

MD: And rightly so, man! I earned my livin’! I play my ass off nearly every night somewhere across this great land of ours! Don’t think for a minute I haven’t earned every last dime of that. Now if I could just keep what I earned. The damned government wants to keep on takin' and takin' and handing it out to the banks, the car companies and a bunch of welfare cheats! I say screw em! Let em get out there and get a real job!
I earn my money, and I wanna keep it! You got a problem with that?

CU: I’m not saying that. I’m saying...

MD: Look, man... I have spent my career trying to be the very best bluesman on the planet. I've record more CD's than that damned BB King ever thought of doin’! Old John Lee Hooker never did half of what I do! And don’t even get me started of the damned Blues Brothers... Although they did give me the idea of making music instead of representing gutter scum, morons and thieves in court!

CU: You represented politicians in court?

MD: Yeah, man. Some of them needed to go to jail and stay there too! Old Charlie Rangel's done enough to serve life several times over. And he's just one of many that needs to see the inside of a jail cell and live the blues, iff'n you know what I mean? Maybe be some hoss' prison bitch. Oh, they'll be singing the blues in no time! But to answer your question, yeah! And that's what I like about the blues. I can play my music and not have to deal with those lowlifes!

CU: So, in other words, you have enjoyed your career?

MD: Damn skippy, I have!

CU: I hate to ask this, but what are your political views?

MD: I am an non-political kinda guy, man. Politics are for those that can’t hold down a steady gig, iff'n you know what I mean?

CU: Would you call yourself a Democrat, Republican or Independent?

MD: Are you asking me who I voted for in the last election?

CU: Well, not in so many words, but yes!

MD: Between you and me, I didn’t like either guy running. The old dude is a waffler and the other dude is a commie-loving... Well, you catch my drift!

CU: So you didn’t vote for anyone?

MD: I voted for the chick, baby!

CU: Hillary?

MD: Not that skank, man! The good looking one from up north!

CU: Sarah Palin from Alaska?

MD: Yeah, man! She’s the kinda woman I could be hanging out with and drinkin’ some wine and... Well, you know how that goes?

CU: But she’s married.

MD: So?

CU: Uh, never mind!

MD: Look here, man, I live the blues, baby! And there ain’t nothing that says the blues more than shaggin’ some married woman and making her man cry the blues!

CU: Or hunting you down and shooting you with a moose rifle!

MD: Well, there’s that, yeah!

CU: Well, thanks for sitting down with us today, Milo. Our readers will appreciate the open and honest story of your life.

MD: My pleasure. (Checking his watch) Damn, it’s time to go record. I better make a liquor store run before though. I’m running low on Dingleberry Wine!

CU: Need a ride?

MD: Nah, man. I got my limo driver for that!

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, it usually is snuck into the hospital he happens to be recovering in.

Tres Equis - Stay thirsty... And away from the bulls, my friends!

Thursday 7/22/2010

Author Arrested Over Book.

SINGAPORE (AP) — This past Monday, Singaporean police said they arrested a British author as part of a criminal defamation investigation. The investigation was related to a book the author had written on the city-state's death penalty policy.

The author, Alan Shadrake, who is 75, was in Singapore, promoting his book, Once a Jolly Hangman: Singapore Justice in the Dock. Police arrested Shadrake based on a complaint by the government's Media Development Authority. They are also investigating him for other offenses. They declined to give any further details.

But one of the known charges the Singapore Attorney-General's office is seeking is a contempt of court charges. “Because statements in the book allegedly impugn the impartiality, integrity and independence of the judiciary.” A spokeswoman said. She spoke anonymously in fear for her life.

The contempt of court charges will be heard by judge Imgona Hangya at the country's High Court on July 30.

Singapore's leaders have sued journalists and political opponents several times in past years for alleged defamation. The government says restrictions on speech and assembly are necessary to preserve economic prosperity and racial and religious harmony in the multi-ethnic city-state of 5 million people. It says any statement that damages the reputations of its leaders will hinder their ability to rule effectively.

Currently the White House is looking into the matter to see if such rules could make life better for the liberals in America.

“By stifling all free speech and freedom of assembly, we could stop those pesky Tea Party people from demanding liberty and lower taxes. Then we could make sure that the president can become Emperor and rule the galaxy with the repressive iron fist of The Sith!” A White House spokeswoman said anonymously, in fear for her life.

Singapore applies capital punishment by hanging for offenses such as drug trafficking, unlawful use of a firearm, building treehouses or eating western-style foods.

The hangings are what inspired the drink, the Singapore Sling.


Investigation into Hours Before Oil Spill

Federal authorities are investigating the BP PLC's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They are looking specifically at the bad decisions, missed warnings and worker disagreements in the hours before the April 20 inferno aboard the Deepwater Horizon. That blast spawned one of the worst environmental disasters in U.S. history.

Investigators are looking at one person in particular. He is a gnome that was seen hanging around the oil rig in the moments before the accident. “He was jumping up and down,” said Billy ‘Bubba’ Saifaux of Rusty Springs, Louisiana “I saw the little feller with the pointed hat just jumping up and down like something that didn’t have good sense. Then all of a sudden, his little pointed hat stuck into a pipe, causing a spark that caused the explosion.” He went on to say, “And then, the gnome disappeared. But I saw him last night in a commercial on TV. Someone ought to be looking into this!”

Wednesday, 7/21/2010

Iran to File Complaint on Mosque Bombing

TEHRAN, Iran — On Sunday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran will file a complaint to international bodies over the deadly mosque bombing by an insurgent group he claims the U.S. supports.

The twin suicide bombings of a mosque in southeast Iran killed 28 people last Thursday night, in an attack claimed by the Jundallah insurgent group. This was in retaliation for the execution of its leader by Iranian authorities in June.

Ahmadinejad did not specify if the complaint would be specifically against the U.S., but he did tell state TV that America supported the bombings. "If Obama is not aware of actions by American forces, we tell him that American troops based in Afghanistan and Pakistan support these actions," he said about to the bombings.

He went on to say, “If we had bombed Israel - and we really, really want to, mind you - that would be okay! This just isn’t fair!” He then threw a tantrum, had some cookies and camel’s milk, then took a nap.


Earthquake in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A powerful earthquake has shaken an Aleutian Island area in Alaska but there is no threat of a tsunami.

The U.S. Geological Survey says the 6.7-magnitude quake struck at 9:56 p.m. Saturday and was centered in the Bering Sea about 110 miles northeast of Dutch Harbor or 930 miles west of Anchorage. The quake hit about 21 miles beneath the seabed.

Tina Fey, doing her impression of Sarah Palin, said, “I could feel it in my backyard!”


18th Century Ship Unearthed at WTC Site

NEW YORK, NY - Construction workers at the World Trade Center site in Manhattan have discovered the remains of a ship that had been buried back in the 18th century. The ships 32-foot-long hull is now being carefully taken out of the area.

Items found in the ship so far include a few gold coins, an anchor, and an old New York Times newspaper. The newspaper’s front page read: Democrats Blast Bush for Revolutionary War Spending!

Tuesday 7/20/2010

So-called Comedian’s Unfunny Joke

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown slammed non-funny comedian Kathy Griffin for making a crude joke about his two daughters last week.

Griffin, star of “My Life on the D List” made the comments on the Bravo network Tuesday night. The segment features Griffin being shown a photograph of Brown by two CNN reporters. Griffin identifies Brown in the picture, saying, “Scott Brown, who is a senator from Massachusetts and has two daughters that are prostitutes.” The CNN reporters erupted in laughter at Griffin’s comment.

But Brown isn’t laughing. Instead, he is blasting Griffin and Bravo for the segment. “People can call me any name they want, but families are off limits!" He said in the statement made through spokesperson.. "Kathy Griffin and Bravo ought to be ashamed of themselves.”

At the end of the clip, Griffin runs a disclaimer “from Bravo’s legal team,” saying the girls are not, in fact, “prostitutes.”

Griffin also insults former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin in the segment, saying “Remember when the Republican’s tried to get that nutbag Sarah Palin to sound credible before the vice presidential debates? They had a board and ran flash cards to teach her the tough stuff, like there is both a North and South Korea. Well, that’s sort of like what they (the reporters from CNN) did for me.”

Ms. Griffin, the terminally unfunny comedian, can be seen in an upcoming Bravo Special, entitled: My Life as an Annoying Bitch!


Embarrassing iPhone calls bring complaints from customers

Just when you think technology can’t get any better, here comes the iPhone 4. The latest craze for the “Wired” generation. The apps alone are mind boggling. But there are a few small problems, even with the “Perfect Phone.”


If you touch it around the middle area (the metal ring built into the Phone) the signal is lessened; if you move it, you can drop calls and lose data streams. Apple is currently offering a bumper case to remedy the interference and save face.

But the kicker is that it can randomly call old girlfriends/boyfriends from your past without your knowledge.

“I know first hand what kind of embarrassment this can cause,” says Billy Hordogg of West Virginia. “I was driving down the road, just minding my own business, when all of a sudden my old high school girlfriend, Ivana Grabudinkie, was shouting at me for daring to call her after I had dumped her for some other tramp back in high school twenty years before.”

This is not uncommon.

Betty Beddwedder of Oregon said, “My iPhone 4 accidentally called The New Life Church and called them all sorts of hateful things, then started uploading images of me naked to the pastor. I was so embarrassed!”

A spokesperson with Apple, Connie Ewetospendmormonet, said that there have been but a few complaints, mostly with software issues. “We are currently rethinking how we, as a company, will be able to create a new app to fix these small problems and make millions in the process!”

But one over-the-road trucker, Willie Haulinarse, isn’t very happy. “My new iPhone 4 called my dispatcher, told him I never wanted to work for his company again, and now I’m stranded in the middle of South Dakota, surrounded by miles and miles of...” The call suddenly dropped.

Weight and Memory Loss Linked

If you are a middle-aged women who also happens to be overweight, then you might just have another reason to take off those excess pounds: The more a postmenopausal woman weighs, the worse her memory is, researchers have announced..

The negative impact on memory was more pronounced in "pear-shaped" women who carry excess weight around their hips, and less of a factor in "apple-shaped" women who carry it around their waists, the study also noted.

When asked about this, overweight women were of mixed feelings.

Wilma Largtush of Hooter Heights said, “You know, I really don’t care what the studies show, I am... What were we talking about again?”
Georgia Onmamind agreed. “Yeah, What she said!”

The two women later went to Greasy Louie’s House of Mostly Pancakes and had lunch.

Monday 7/19/2010

Is the NAACP or the New Black Panther Party Racists?

According to one minister, they are. “When they both become ‘Equal Opportunity Employers’ then we can say no!” Exclaims Reverend Rex Z. Terd, leader of the What’s So Wrong About Having Faith Church in Midget Falls, ND. Reverend Terd also said, “When they blast the Tea Party for being racists and bigots, and at the same time some of their member are calling for the black community to kill ‘krackers and their kracker babies,’ you know there is a double standard at work. So when The Congressional Black Caucus will allow Whites, Hispanics and Asians in their midst, and the NAACP and The Black Panthers allow Whites, Hispanics and Asians in their midst, then I’ll believe they are being non-racists!”
He continued by saying, “I have 254 members of a congregation who are of multi-ethnic backgrounds. We all believe in God! If the NAACP and the Black Panthers believe in God, then they should believe that no color is better than anyone other color! Everyone is equal in God’s eyes... Except the French! They just plain suck!”

Muslim Mother Free to Kill More of Her Children?

A Canadian judge's decision to free a devout Muslim mother convicted of strangling her 14-year-old daughter with a head scarf has prompted outrage. The judge gave the mother a suspended sentence. The Judge of The Court of Queen's Bench Justice passed his judgement last October, stunning a national victims rights' group based in Toronto.

"I really strongly disagree," said a spokesperson for the Canadian Crime Victims Foundation. "It sends a message to the rest of the community and the world that her daughter's life was valueless.”

The Muslim mother was acquitted in October of last year of second-degree murder and found her guilty of manslaughter in the death of her 14-year-old daughter. The judge placed her on three years probation along with several conditions, including taking grief counseling, depression and anger management classes, and not killing any of her other children for at least two years.

When asked what she planned on doing after being set free, she said, “I’m going to Disney World! There, I can kill other infidel children and ride Space Mountain!”

Children Nearly Arrested for Praying

A group of Christian students was ordered to stop praying outside the U.S. Supreme Court building on May 5 because a court police officer told them it was against the law.

The junior high school students were a part of the American History class at Wickenburg Christian Academy in Arizona. After taking pictures on the steps of the Supreme Court building, their teacher gathered them to a location near the side of the building, where after forming a circle they began to pray.

According to the report, a police officer interrupted the prayer and ordered the group to cease and desist. They were told to stop praying because they were violating the law and they had to take their prayer elsewhere, otherwise they would be arrested for being Anti-American Religious Nutbags and America didn’t need their kind anywhere in Washington!

“The Marshal of the Court will look into the alleged event. But I can assure you that the Court does not have a policy prohibiting prayer,” This according to a Supreme Court Spokesperson. “The officer must have confused law with his own political views on religion!”

Finally, the group of 15 students and seven adults left the Supreme Court and relocated to a sidewalk – where they continued their prayer. As they did so, a group of Atheists came up and beat the crap out of them.
The groups of praying students and teachers, beaten into unconsciousness, was quickly arrested for loitering and will be sentenced sometime next week.


Oil Spill Fix Looks Promising

NEW ORLEANS -- It only took 88 days, several millions of gallons of oil and the ruination of the gulf of Mexico for perhaps decades to come, but British Petroleum (BP) said its capped-off well appeared to be holding steady as of last Friday morning. Currently, there are two underwater robots scouring the sea floor looking for signs of new leaks.

Also, President Obama said BP's capping of the spill was "good news."

On a related note, BP is said to be considering opening the first ‘Open Water Oil Change Service Station’ in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Spokesperson Melika Oilybeach said then since there is so much oil in the gulf now, it would be very cost effect to build the new facility there, and could change the oil in millions of cars, trucks, vans SUV’s and fishing vessels that come by. Of course, in order to get to the ‘Open Water’ facility, folks would have to load upon a barge, spend the bulk of the day on the gulf to get to the facility, but that BP could offer coupons and specials to offset the inconvenience to their customers.

The Curious Urinal Interview: Mel Gibson.

In an exclusive interview with The Curious Urinal, Mel Gibson sits down with us to explain about his troubles with ex-girlfriend Oksasa Grigorieva.











Warning, some details of this interview are not intended for children under the age of 18!

CU: Thanks for sitting down with us today, Mr, Gibson.

MG: No problem. Always happy to speak to my fans.

CU: Let's get straight to it. Pertaining to your recent problems with you ex-girlfriend, you have been recorded saying some rather hateful things. At one point calling Ms. Grigorieva a “Las Vegas whore that looked like a bunch of (explicative) could gang rape her.” First of all, are these allegations true? If so, why would you say such things?

MG: I thought this interview was going to be about my career! You (explicative)! Where the (explicative) do come off (explicative) asking me such a dumb (explicative) question? What the (explicative) did I (explicative) do to you? Are you a (explicative) dumb (explicative)? I could snap your (explicative) neck like a (explicative) toothpick, you fat little (explicative) (explicative)(explicative)!

CU: But I thought that if you could calmly enlighten the readers...

MG: I've got your (explicative) calmly (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) right here, mother (explicative)! You little (explicative)! I'll bust your (explicative) head open like a (explicative) water (explicative) melon!

CU: Mr. Gibson, details of the case have been leaked, including the recording of you saying these awful things. We at the Curious Urinal simply want to allow you to set the record straight.

MG: The Curious (explicative) Urinal can kiss my (explicative) (explicative)! What kind of a (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) piece of (explicative) name is that for a (explicative) newspaper?

CU: Mr. Gibson...

MG: (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative)! And furthermore, (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) and the horse you rode in on! (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative)!

With that, he punched me in the nose and walked off. Then he came back and said,

MG: And something else! (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) (explicative) you!

And with that, he stormed out of the room.



And now for something completely different...



Facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the word threshold.

(And you thought this was a stupid blog, didn't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

Now you know where some of our customs and sayings come from!

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Is the New Black Panther Party Racist?

Malik Shabazz, the head of the New Black Panther Party, is defending his organization against accusations that it is racist against white people. This comes after a voter intimidation case against Black Panther members from the 2008 election returned to the spotlight this month, all amid accusations that race played a factor in the Justice Department abandoning the case. Shabazz says the organization is focused on civil rights, not racial attacks. He said this while grabbing an elderly white woman in a headlock and beating her repeatedly in the face with a Jim Crowbar.

The accusations also comes after a video showing King Shaber Shabaz (who gives their children names like this?) stated that White "Krackers" should be killed, along with their "Kracker Babies!"

The Department Of Justice, led by Eric Holder, dropped the case. Holder then resigned from the DOJ, joined the New Black Panthers, and changed his name to Butcher Whitie. He later declared war on White America.

Klu Klux Klan head, Joe 'Bubba' Mitiwite, has Twittered that he has invite the Black Panthers to Alabama to have it out in a no-holds barred, fight to the finish. So far, no word if the Black Panthers will accept the invitation to the smack-down.

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Pastor Fired For Saying 'Jesus'

A North Carolina pastor was relieved of his duties as an honorary chaplain of the state house of representatives after he closed a prayer by invoking the name of Jesus.

“I got fired,” said the pastor of a Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, NC. He had been invited to lead prayer for an entire week but his tenure was cut short when he refused to remove the name Jesus from his invocation.

The trouble began during the week of May 31. He said a House Clerk asked to see his prayer. The invocation including prayers for our military, state lawmakers and a petition to God asking him to bless North Carolina.”

“When I handed it to the lady, I watched her eyes and they immediately went right to the bottom of the page and the word Jesus and she said ‘We would prefer that you not use the name Jesus. We have some people here that can be offended.’”

When he decided to not remove Jesus from the prayer, the pastor was immediately fired.

The House Clerk, Basheba Muhammed, screamed 'Allah Akbar' and then blew up the assemblage. No word if charges will be filed against the pastor.

Government: Gulf Seafood Being Tested

So far, government testing shows no worrisome levels of oil contamination in shrimp, grouper, tuna and other seafood caught along the fringes of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "They are are safe to eat," according to a federal agency inspector, Ima Lyon.

"We have taken around 400 samples of commonly consumed species caught mostly in open waters and have chemically tested them. So far, none of them have shown levels of contaminant that concerns us.
The Food and Drug Administration began catching seafood species in the Gulf within days of the April 20 BP rig explosion off the Louisiana coast that generated a massive oil spill.

"We're looking for polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, or PAHs. That's the most common carcinogenic components of crude oil. Seafood inspectors also have been sniffing out oily product. One fish sample has failed the smell test, but did not show concerning levels of contaminants" She added. "The guys said the seafood smelled just like a New Orleans hooker, and that was bad!"

But local seafood restaurant owner, Charlie DeTuna, stated, "I just changed the oil in my El Camino with three shrimp, a sea bass, and one of those three-eyed groupers. Afterwards, I sold them to my customers and they said they were delicious!"

Uganda Attacks Mark Bloody End to World Cup

Two suicide bombers blew up a home in Uganda during a World Cup party. The attack marks the first time al-Shabab has reached out beyond the borders of Somalia, where the militia has seized control of large swathes of territory and established a strict and brutal form of Islamic law in its wake.

The group claimed responsibility for the blasts Monday, saying its militants would carry out attacks "against our enemy" wherever they are. "No one will deter us from performing our Islamic duty," said Sheik Ali Mohamud Rage, a group spokesman in Mogadishu. He made the statement while brutalizing some women and children.

Sheik Yusuf Sheik Issa, an al-Shabab commander, told reporters early Monday that he was happy with the attacks. "Uganda is one of our enemies. Whatever makes them cry, makes us happy. May Allah's anger be upon those who are against us," Sheik said. He then beheaded a cat because it had dared not respect his authority.

It was earlier believed that the group had bombed the house because they had vuvuzulas there.

In Local News

County Bomb Squad Explodes Suspicious Package

The Ammo County bomb squad blew up a suspicious suitcase. It turned out to be a couple of cans of food and a can opener.

Officers investigating a suspicious suitcase found in Buzzardbait Park and Mud Bog took X-rays of the package. What they saw was several cylinders inside and something that looked like tools, wires, C-4 and packing.

They cleared the area and blew the suitcase up.

A closer inspection after the blast revealed that the suspicious items were a can of cream corn, two cans of tuna, a couple of cans of soda , a container of Cheese Wizz and crackers. And the tools? A can-opener, a fork, an Ipod and a pair of earbuds. The packing was a picnic blanket. No bomb.

After the blast, Johnny Snuffsniffer of Poon Point was arrested for leaving the suitcase near the restrooms. Mr. Snuffsniffer was in the bathroom at the time of the discovery, having a bout of the grippers. He tried to explain to the officers that the sign on the door of the restrooms clearly indicated that nothing could be brought inside, thus he left his suitcase outside the door.

There is no word on when bail will be set for Mr. Snuffsniffer.

The entire incident cost taxpayers $35,000 for the botched investigation.

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News Items from Across the World

Barefoot Bandit has Excuse

19 year old Colton Harris-Moore, a.k.a. known as the Barefoot Bandit, was captured earlier this week in the Bahamas after a high-speed boat chase. Once captured, he began giving excuses for his notorious behavior for the past couple of years.














He claims that someone stole his shoes, thus driving him into a life of crime.


Is Lindsey Lohan's Star Fading?

Lindsay Lohan's star power can't be relied upon to draw large audiences to TV or movie screens any more. In fact, the washed-up has-been can't seem to do anything right these days.

Her latest role, as a defendant in the courtroom only garnered limited interest as her star power has dwindled below that of Pee Wee Herman and Willie the Wonder Weasel (whose last role as Hamlet actually garnered more interest that Lohan's work for several years combined).

Her last starring role, 2007's "I Know Who Killed Me" grossed just $7.5 million. Her TV appearances are now usually shunned by fans of those shows. "Basically, Lindsey Lohan is a star who had her 15 minutes, and should now go back to the trailer park where she can live out the rest of her life as a washed-up drunk that thinks she's better than anyone else!" Ethel Judgya, famed Hollywood Critic for The Daily Crap recently stated. "Hopefully a judge somewhere will sentence her to life in prison for being a bad actress and save our children from seeing her vile, so-called talent ever again!"

But one fan disagree. Judy Drooler, a self-proclaimed Lindsey Lohan fan, said, "I love her. I want to have her babies! I'll do anything to make her happy. I'll cook, clean, do her laundry, then sue her for everything she has once I get tired of her!"















Also, rumor has it that the Mean Girls star is at least $2 million in debt. Allegedly she has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on ho-dog clothing and drugs. No word as of this report is she has found a new attorney since her former lawyer threw up her hands and gave up after Ms. Lohan wrote her a cold check.

And in Publishing news:

Sarah Palin Autobiography Targets Children

A biography of the former Alaska governor and self-described "mama grizzly" is set for release in September by a Christian book publisher.









"Speaking Up: The Sarah Palin Story" is one in a series of biographies aimed at 9- to 12-year-old readers. Others feature 2007 Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and U2 frontman Bono.

On a similar note, "My Life as a Terrorist-loving Marxist: The Barack Obama Story" is being targeted toward people who hate America and "The Wit and Wisdom of Joe Biden" is coming out as a comedy book aimed at no one in particular.

Breaking News:

Switzerland says it will not extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. over 1977 child sex case!

A Swiss judge has declared the Roman Polanki, the famed and infamous director accused of a 1977 sexual abuse case in California, will not face extradition to the US.

Speaking on behalf of the director, Little Sally Victim stated, "Mr. Polanski is very happy with the verdict, Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go see him because he has offered to give me a special lollipop for being such a good little girl!"

International News From The Curious Urinal

A Special Report:

Arabs Issue Fatwa Against Vuvuzela

For those of you that don't know, the Vuvuzela is a plastic trumpet, whose drone has been likened to a swarm of bees. It has become the unmistakable background sound of the World Cup. And an annoyance to many who follow the game of Soccer.

Earlier this week, a fatwa was issued by the UAE's General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowments says that above 100 decibels, the buzzing sound of the vuvuzela is "haram"(harmful), The National newspaper reported Friday.

According to the fatwa, the horns can be used only in stadiums if they pose no harm. "And since they sound so damned annoying, the harm is there, so these infidel pieces of plastic must die!" Said Abdul Camelhumper, Head of the Society of Fatwa Issuers Union (SFIU) at the United Arab Emirate's 'We Hate Everything About The West And They Should All Die Community College.'

"Importers and traders must ensure that the power of this infidel thing is not over 100 decibels so as to avoid damaging people's hearing," the ruling declares. "The vuvuzelas in the markets now could produce sounds reaching 127 decibels. Thus they should all die!"

Meanwhile, a few traders cancelled orders for more vuvuzelas after they found the horn could be harmful.

One trader found out that the horns had originally been used by African shamans and witchdoctors. "I searched on the Internet and found some articles regarding it. They were used to bring out devils," he said. "That explains the fatwa! The devils in the UAE have all be unleashed now. Thanks South Africa!"