The Curious Urinal Aug. 31, 2010

Scientists Warn: Time to Abandon Earth

It's time to abandon Earth, warns the world's most famous theoretical physicist. In an interview, Stephen Hawking warned that the long-term future of the planet is in outer space.

But local science teacher, Dr. Wilber Fizzlepop, suggests that is may already be too late. Speaking to a group of angry parents at the Buzzardbait School Board meeting last night, Dr. Fizzlepop said that in order to leave the earth, radical changes would first have to take place.
“First we need to develop large spaceships with warp drives to haul thousands of people away from the planet and out to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. Then we need ray guns to shoot any aliens that may be living on those planets and take over!”

The angry mob began laughing when Dr. Fizzlepop began describing how he had been secretly building a time machine in his basement and would soon leave for the future, steal their technology and return to this time to begin the process of building these huge ships.

School Board Director, Erma Witherdither, had the teacher removed and placed into the Buzzardbait Hospital and Lawn Care Center for observation.

No word as to when he plans on traveling into the future.

School Children Told National Anthem is Verboten
Recently, a group of high school students attending a conservative leadership conference in Washington, D.C. said they were ordered by a security guard to stop singing the national anthem during a visit to the Lincoln Memorial.

“They told them to stop singing,” a spokesman for the Young America’s Foundation said. “I was taken aback. You wouldn’t expect a display of national patriotism to be censored."

U.S. Park Police confirmed that the students were in violation of federal law and their impromptu performance constituted a demonstration in an area that must remain “completely content neutral.”

But just a few feet away, several socialists protestors were singing anti-American songs, burning an American Flag and denouncing America as a country that must die. The U.S. Park Police ignored them, siting freedom of speech as their reason.

Cat Soup, Anyone?

BUFFALO, N.Y. -- Police say a traffic stop led to animal cruelty charges after they found a live cat "marinating" in oil and peppers in the trunk of a car.
Buffalo police say officers heard the cat meowing when they stopped 51-year-old Gary Korkuc of Cheektowaga to ticket him for running a stop sign Sunday night.
They say they checked the trunk and found 4-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chili peppers.

Police say Korkuc told them he did it because Navarro was ill-tempered. Korkuc was charged with cruelty and released; his phone number isn't listed.
Police say he told them he was going to cook Navarro. But they say Korkuc also complained that the neutered male cat got pregnant after he was spayed.
Animal advocates have cleaned Navarro and put him up for adoption.

McTantrum?

TOLEDO, Ohio
A security video from a McDonald's in Ohio shows a woman punching two restaurant employees and smashing a drive-thru window because she couldn't get Chicken McNuggets.

The tantrum caught on tape in Toledo earlier this year shows the customer reaching through the drive-thru window, slugging one worker and then another. She then grabs a bottle out of her car and tosses it through the glass window before speeding off.
It happened early on New Year's Day. Police say Melodi Dushane was angry that McNuggets weren't being served, because it was breakfast time.

Dushane says she was drunk at the time. She was sentenced to 60 days in jail last month and ordered to pay McDonald's for the broken window.